Thursday, January 3, 2013

These are a Few of My Most Hated Things

In the style of “My Favorite Things.”

asdfasd

Rain on my glasses, smalltalk, and proposals;

Fast cars and loud bars and stinky disposals;

Your face, DVD players, and tangled up strings;

These are a few of my most hated things!

asdfasd

Rouched sleeves on t-shirts and dogs without leashes;

slow walkers, loud neighbors, and warm, sunny beaches;

overwrought novels and actors who sing;

these are a few of my most hated things!

asdfds

Yes, your poem bites!

No, you can’t sing!

People are “whos,” not “thats!”

These are a few of my most hated things;

And it’s not the pants, you’re fat!

asdfds

Happy New Year, assholes!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Baller

I finally plucked the last of my Fu Manchu. Movember’s over, but apparently, not forgotten. This holiday season get your very own Bauballs, testicles for the tree. Is it just me or does this look more like a big juicy butt than a set of nuts?

via BuzzFeed

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Oh My Gourd

I realize we’re over a month out from Halloween, but if ever there was a product made for this blog, it’s Pornkins, porn stencils for your pumpkins. Here at BHG, we keep it simple with wieners and boobs, but if you have the steady hand to pull off actual intercourse, we tip our pumpkin stems to you. Perv on, perv-y.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

DIYDS: The Ghost with The Most…Rage

Halloween was Wednesday, but minus a prescription for Seasonique, your period haunts you (and all those idiots you know) once a month. So if now is your time — OMG, MINE TOO WE ARE LIKE SO SYNCED UP — make this and celebrate the joys of crying at reruns of Reba.

via Tampon Crafts, an entire blog dedicated to crafting with tampons

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Party Time?

Ewww. Sick. Regular heads are so stupid, but Hip Hop Heads are HOT. Buy these tiny trucker party hats/teenage pregnancy makers and make your head suck less. You can write on them, too. Just be sure to make the “p” in dope backwards. Why? Because it’s not just tits. It’s grandma tits. (They’re so gross they’re cool!)

I mock what I love. I want these so bad it hurtz.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Child’s Play

While I love the idea of these piñata cookies, I still think there are way more fun things to break. Namely, your spirit.

via Incredible Things

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Be Mine?!?

If this applies to you in any way, you need to give me a call ASAP. I’m practically brimming with purpose. And peanut butter pretzels. But mostly, purpose.

 

Friday, February 17, 2012

Candy Gram

The sweetest, sweetest thing anyone can do on Valentine’s Day is murder your enemies, but the next sweetest thing is this — using effeminate hands to turn an ice dispenser into a candy machine. Awww, but seriously, why does this guy’s girlfriend like such crappy candy? Where them G. Bears at???

Thursday, February 9, 2012

An Apocalypse of the Heart

Roses are red. Violence is, too. I got you these zombie chocolates because I love…zombie chocolates. I mean, I assume that since you’re vomiting that means you’re not going to be eating these, right?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Toe Up

Remember when it was January, but I force fed you Christmas ornaments? Yeah, I remember that, too. It’s called now.

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