A co-worker sent this to me and said, “Definitely an ornament that knows how to hang.” Mostly because it looks a penis with a pug head. Just wanted to make sure you’re getting that… It’s too bad, too, because that’s a pretty cute mug on that pug, eh?

You may recognize this as the wrapping paper I used to wrap all those fantastic gifts I left on your doorstep last night. Wait? You didn’t get them? Damn you Hamburglar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, this wrapping paper is $2,000 away from being real. Go help them out on Kickstarter, because God knows I’m too cheap to.

This year you can buy Jersey Shore ornaments for your tree. Buy all three and they’ll throw in self-tanner, a bottle of Chaser and a case of the clap.

Pillowmob let’s you upload a photo and turn it into a pillow which is an awesome gift idea. Especially if you’re into burning life-sized face effigys.

It appears our ritual sacrifice worked — Wantist.com featured us on their blog today. If you’re interested in gift tips from us, go here. But if you’re interested in just the tip, hit up the Sigma Chi House.

If you don’t know what Wantist (the website, not blog) is, it’s online gift finder and it’s awesome.

Here’s a little Pleasant Holidays with the Family tea – each leaf hand-selected by Jim Jones – to make your Thanksgiving extra fugue-state-y. I’m sure it will be just the thing to keep the sibling stabbing shallow and non-life-threatening. As for the Be a Better Parent tea, I’d say play it safe and just go ahead with that abortion.

First off, we’ve posted this bubble wrap calendar before. But it was like two years ago and we’ve probably long ago alienated our original readers. Second off, this calendar is now on sale at Urban Outfitters. And if having a store stocked exclusively with poop brown, shapeless, backless minidresses won’t bankrupt you I don’t know what will. But don’t let it get you down because:

Halloween is practically over. Time to start decking the halls for Giftsmas, the nondenominational, non-offensive retailer junk orgy formerly known as Christmas. First on my list: the inflatable fruit cake. I know my relatives will never know the difference. Not because fruit cake tastes like plastic, but because by the time the dessert tray comes out, they are all too busy lighting their farts to notice.

This card is called “Happy Winter Holiday Card: Sisters” but I only see one kid and a Photoshop flip tool…so…there? I’m not entirely sure who I’m sticking it to here…

P.S. I love this idea. Walgreen’s Picture Blankets are sooo last year.

Flameel, Flamazle, Flamingo Pink Incorporated!

If you, too, have been wandering the earth for millennia in search of the holiday-themed yard flamingo that will free your eternal soul from it’s Earthly shackles, today is your lucky day. Flamingo Pink has enough stick-legged seasonal schtick to force open the gates of heaven. Just throw a few of these  into the clouds outside the pearly gates, wait for Jesus to run out with his shotgun yelling to get off the lawn, then run into the open arms of paradise.

Choose from Skelemingo (above), Santamingo, Turkeymingo, Eastermingo and the rest.