There are three bears in this bowl and one cougar at my desk. Seriously, lock up your ‘tweens. This kitty cat is on the prowl…statutory rape style.

The only thing I have in common with the owner of this dry erase clock is that we both spend time vibrating at 4:00, if you know what I mean. (I mean masturbating). But instead of dreaming, loving and all that crap, my daily breakdown looks like this:

12:00 – Drunk Driving

1:00 – Raping

2:00 – Arson

3:00 – Reflecting on My General Awesomeness

4:00 – Vibrating (wink, wink)

5:00 – Buying Myself Gifts

6:00 – Gazing at Myself in the Mirror

7:00 – Judging Others

8:00 – Pillaging

9:00 – Vehicular Manslaughter

10:00 – Naptime

11:00 – Body Shots

My days are clearly pretty full. Speaking of which, I gotta run. It’s past Rape :45 and I’m late for an “appointment.”

Sweet Jesus, the mere production of this thing set back women’s rights like 18,000 years. And it’s only been 24 hours, but I’ve already had my butt patted, my boob grabbed and that’s just when I dropped my dad off at the airport…oh don’t worry, that just made me throw up, too.

I’m keeping this short because I’m super busy vomiting onto my keyboard. This Coco Mirror looks like toenail clippings and even typing that makes me want to die. OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE THEY’RE IN MY MOUTH. Gag gross puke vom oh my God, ick sick my guts are wrapped around the spacebar.

via Robin, who I will forgive for this eventually

True: Cats love pita pockets.

False: They love you.

Untimely, but true: Rats make poops in your Kix.

They should move that litterbox to the bottom of the slide. That way when Smoofy Flufferpants needs to take a kitty tinkle downstairs, he can just slide his furry little hiney right into his widdle baffroom. Also, I’m gonna give birth at the top of the slide and let the baby land in the litterbox.

If we were in England I’d tell you to be the belle of the bloody ball. But since we’re not I’ll just point out that this chandelier doesn’t come with any applicators. Which means you can stick your hand way up in it. And sure, it might feel a little funny at first, but remember, it’s your chandelier. Finger it.

via The World’s Best Ever

Oh look, it’s a trick! You think it’s wood planks, but it’s really a rug! Just like you think you’re buying it from Urban Outfitters, but you’re really buying it from a Pretentious Douche Factory! What’s that you say? They’re one in the same? Carry on then, dickbag. Carry on.

P.S. I told my non-lesbian work partner Clint that this was a rug and he said, “As in carpet?” No, Clint, it’s a wood-paneled toupee. Jesus.

If Ben Franklin would have minded his own goddamn business, we could use these instead of electricity. But noooo, that bespectacled bastard had to go and ruin everything. Including butts. That’s right, he was an inventor, but also an ass raper.

I’m gonna get this Zodiac pillow for my couch. Then when people say, “Oh, cute, were you born in July?” I can say, “No. And I only have three months to live.”