You can buy these Solar Powered Animal Nightlights at Nigel’s Eco Store. That’s right, Nigel’s Eco Store. The only thing getting less laid than that store is no one. Not even that fucking Welch’s Grapes guy. And that guy hasn’t seen a vagina since the day he was born and even then his mom, like, totally blitzed out on an epidural.

While I can clearly see the aesthetic appeal of this music box, the movement of which causes the barley to sway, I can’t shake the aw-shucks, redneck, hillbilly flavor of swaying barley. SWAYING BARLEY. Yeah, that’s some kissin’ cousin bullshit. I’m pretty sure this is the next thing those beer-eating bumpkins are gonna deep fry and mouthfuck at the State Fair of Texas.

“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll suplex your pussy.”

Throwdown Bed, $999

Dudes, this bear rug is only $1800, which is quite a steal considering how rare Pink Tapestry Bears are in the wild. Fun fact: 96% of all Pink Tapestry Bears are gay. The other 4% just pretended to be bisexual in college.

Mirror, mirror on the wall… Your ass is fat. That is all.

Fairest Wall Art, $24.95

You can doodle on this picture frame to make it match all your photos. And if I know you, there’s going to be a whole lot of wiener and butt doodlin’ goin’ on.

True love waits…until you’re willing to do anal.

Via Chad “Butt Stuff” Ballew

Golden Girls Nesting Dolls with complimentary Blanche cleavage?! I’ve never needed anything more in my whole entire life. Not even that time I was a bad guy and needed a new face so I could look like a good guy and get away with espionage/murder/being John Travolta.

I’m obsessed with gray and yellow as a color palette. But I’m also obsessed with the idea of Zack Morris and Stacey Corosi living happily ever after with the corpse of Kelly Kapowski buried in their sandy beach-hut backyard, so maybe you shouldn’t pay much attention to my opinions.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, there’s no possible way this could get any more adorable, but that’s where you’re wrong. If I owned it, I’d add a conversation bubble that says, “Whooo gives a fuck?” See? Cussing = The Cutest.