Sloppy drunk has never been so clean. Until now, the shower was the one place American companies had neglected to shoe-horn a cup holder. Of course, Tub Mug likely means the death of my cup-holder shaped breast implant concept. But there are plenty more ideas where that came from. Quick, someone pass me that box of fortune cookies.

There’s a much easier way to hide your thermostat, garage door opener, fuse box or whatever. Just leave bodies laying around your house. No one notices the walls when they’re constantly stepping over rotting Grandmas. Especially if it’s their rotting Grandma. Think, people. THINK.

Four out of five firefighters agree that the owner of this chain lock deserves to burn to death.

True to pre-Thanksgiving-give-up-a-thon form, the magnet may be quintuple-nutted, but the post is still half-assed.

I don’t know which one of you numbnuts can’t light a match without burning your fingers, but if it’s you, here’s another product you might want to put on every day. You know, just in case.

Well, kick me in the crotch and call me Shirley. That’s how them boys know a tornader’s a-comin’. Mama, tape up the trailer door, batten down the hitches and drop your drawers! We’s about to make a Twister Baby!

I have my own form of Kitchen Bull. And it goes a little something like, “Of course I didn’t soak your meatloaf in ipecac.”

This trash can reminds me of that Batman villian, what’s his name again? Oh yes, The Penguin. Just kidding. It’s Two-Face. This trash can reminds me of Two Face…and elderly Caucasian women because only a Golden Girl could love that wicker.

I’m sensing a theme with my posts lately. So while you look at this curtain that looks like a used tampon, I’ll share the unrelated comment my boss said to me today: “You’re in danger of losing your reputation as a cold-hearted bitch.” Just in case ya’ll thought it was an act for your benefit. Nope, I really AM a horrible person.

To do this sepia-toned effect your damn self, you simply put a picture of you and your man in a mason jar and fill it with olive oil. Or, if you’re still in high school, you can skip the olive oil and fill it with grease scraped off your boyfriend’s face and bacne. It’s a money saver!