Tampon lights? Pssshhhh…. my vagina already lights up a room. Related: if anyone’s skilled in flashlight removal, please contact me immediately.

I’m fully aware that nom nom nom has run it’s course, but just like that Honey Badger, Nikki don’t give a shit. I think this pillow rules and honestly, couldn’t we all use a little more Internet meme in our lives?

Traditional anniversary gifts are so outdated. Paper? Wood? Who do I look like, David the Fucking Gnome? From now on, the anniversary list looks like this:

1st: Indelicate Doilies. Because you’ve been together long enough that you hate each other, but not long enough to lose your sense of possession territorialism.

5th: This is the iPhone anniversary. So you can text the people you’re having affairs with on the sly while you pretend you’re playing Angry Birds. (You’re stupid, so Angry Birds is more believable than Words With Friends.)

10th: Negative pregnancy test. Nothing says love like the mutual realization that you’d rather die than have another shithead kid running around. Also, you probably just missed your period because of fibroids or because Jesus likes to fuck with you.

25th: Weed. The kids don’t live at home, so now’s when you incorrectly remember that you used to be cool and pathetically try to recapture your free-spirited youth in the same vein as my lovable scamp of a boyfriend, Dan Conner.

50th: Divorce papers. Just like the opposite of your herpes, the flame is no longer burning. The only reasonable question is, what took you so fucking long?

via the caffeinated and pulpy Brandon Smith

Put these pillows on a couch and they immediately become “cloudy with a chance of fart catching.”

I always thought a Manhole Cushion was a urethra pillow, but I guess I missed a memo or something.

Here’s a fun little trick you can do your damn self. Just remember that “jizz” is spelled with two z’s.

We encourage readers to send us submissions, but one went above and beyond and wrote my damn post for me:

Dear Baddest Bitches,

Who wants a package from Santa’s pants? Too bad he only comes once a year and it’s down someone’s “chimney.”

-Jewlz Frytini

Much like the Goonies, that’s good enough for me. And it’s Friday, so my work here is done.

*kicks feet up, knocks back whiskey, punches boss in face.*

How cool is Hipster Fridge? PBR was into Hipster Fridge before it was cool.

Via Pinteterst

Since my apartment is apparently lined with lead and I’m the only human left on Sprint, The Now Network, I’m going to have a landline installed in a couple weeks. Last night I started my search for cordless phones and I found this. Trouble is the only calls I’ll get are from critters, varmints and Larry the Cable Guy.

These egg candles are on sale right now in the MOMA store. They’re unscented, but I think they should take the egg theme all the way and make them smell like period blood.