Cigarette smoke contains over 4,000 chemicals, which is precisely how many times this fugly-ass candle ashtray will be repinned on Pinterest (follow me!) by black-lunged, porch-lounging vegans who work as part-time baristas until their spoken-word poetry careers take off.

This doormat is like a statement t-shirt for your house. It’s says, “Hey, isn’t this funny? I didn’t think of it at all. But I think it’s funny therefore I must be funny. Pull my finger.”

I once had a roommate who was trying to clean paint out of an outlet and I said, “Why don’t you try a butter knife?” She said, “Oh, that’s a good idea.” Then she died to death of dumbness.

Ouchlet Outlet Covers, $4.99

via Incredible Things

You know what I love the most about these candlesticks? The fact that I can finally say, “Oh my gosh, I love your camel toe.”

P.S. These are on sale on Fab.com right now. Sign up, you schmucks.

Oh, I see how it is, Internet. The paper towel cubby is sooooo genius, but my corpse cubby just gets me put on another government watch list.

If you don’t actually have shit for brains, you’ll save yourself $598 and make this Bubble Wrap Vase your damn self. Just use real bubble wrap, you dummy, or if you want to take up glass blowing, go right ahead. I hear you’re pretty good at blowing stuff…

If you’re a loremaster, mathlete or this guy, you should totally buy these sheets. It’ll be the first time in history that you share a bed with boobs.

via James “Ain’t No Joke” Hoke

Let the world’s most renowned analrapist carry your prayers directly to Jesus’ ears. Do I really need to say anything more about this Tobias Funke prayer candle? Oh, yes. You’re welcome.

Via fuckyeahdementia

Sloppy drunk has never been so clean. Until now, the shower was the one place American companies had neglected to shoe-horn a cup holder. Of course, Tub Mug likely means the death of my cup-holder shaped breast implant concept. But there are plenty more ideas where that came from. Quick, someone pass me that box of fortune cookies.

There’s a much easier way to hide your thermostat, garage door opener, fuse box or whatever. Just leave bodies laying around your house. No one notices the walls when they’re constantly stepping over rotting Grandmas. Especially if it’s their rotting Grandma. Think, people. THINK.