“I miss, like, love, adore, admire, fancy you.” What a sweet sentiment. I hope the other side says, “As long as you stay fupa-free.”

What do “God, I Need to Talk to You About Vandalism“…

…and the BIC Mark It Color Collection Marker in Rambunctious Red have in common?

No, it’s not that together they lead to a life of crime. No, it’s not that they both reference the blood of Christ. It’s that they both cost $1.19 on Amazon.com.

That’s right. It’s time to share my secret with the world: The Amazon Filler Item Finder. It lets you add awesome crap of any useless amount of change to your basket to reach the elusive Free Super Saver Shipping total. So when your kids ask why you bought an Athena Waterproof Mini Massager, you can tell them it was a filler item… that will soon be filling your vagina.

Did you know there’s an entire community of people that pimp their Ikea? It’s called Ikea Hackers and it’s legit. This bonehead turned a ho-hum drum shade into a three-tiered dream come true. It’s like peach puddin’ in a cypress tree. Or candy corn on a lily pad. Holy shit, what just happened? Did I have another Southern Belle black-out?

I know what you’re thinking and yes, it’s handcrafted collector-quality. And yes, there’s rush shipping available. And yes, if you buy this you might as well stitch up your vagina because because no one’s ever going to use it ever again.

Mollie and Ollie Vinyl Orangutan Dolls, $149.99!!!

via Alan “Who Dat?” McCoy “Ya Heard”

This is called The Inception Chair and the blog that blogged it says, “Wrap your head around this shit for a while, huh?” I clearly can’t top that…except I totally can. Try this on for size…”Wrap your head around this shit for a while, Dickbag.” See what I did there? I called you a dickbag. Isn’t blogging fun?

via Ralan RcCoy

You know what they say, people that live in paper house mobiles…should probably move. Those aren’t real living quarters. Why are you being an idiot?

via Modish

This weekend I saw a hoodie made out of a towel and now here’s a chair reupholstered in a blanket. What’s next a dildo made out of linoleum? That waxy build up is going to be a real bitch.

Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you sad I didn’t write something funny about the new Slide To Unlock doormat? Well, get over it you damn titty-baby.

This is called the Cosmopolitan Elephant. It comes with a sex quiz, a how-to on trimming your thighs with a belt sander and tips on 4,000 ways to tickle his taint!

Just let him leave his robe on while you’re humpin’. It totally tickles his sickle.

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Pennant via Stephanie Fisher.