If you’ve ever suspected that your parents screwed you and your name is longer than five letters, it’s officially official. They did. Krazystraws are personalized straws that can say anything you want under five characters. Silver lining? ALL the four letter words fit.  Even ‘pube.’

I love this lamp and it’s available at Land of Nod implying it’s for children which is bollocks if you’re from the UK and bullshit if you’re from the US. This is far too cool for kids. But you know what isn’t? Child labor.

The Pinterest/DIY/Mommy Blogger bullshit is killing me. You know what you can do instead of making – or, excuse me, crafting – a shoe tie practice board? You can let your stupid kid practice on SHOES. Where’s my fucking feature in ReadyMade?

Not only does this roller fork make eating pizza much easier, but it also greatly improves the efficiency of wiener-based cannibalism.

This portable play mat is for the fancy-pants baby who’s too good for the floor. Well, baby, let’s hope you’re not too good for boarding school. Or the black market.

If you have a cut, you’re going to need these and if you don’t have a cut, call me. It can be arranged.

Did you know the longest mountain system on Earth is the Mid-Oceanic Ridge? And it’s actually underwater? Did you also know that spouting off facts likes that makes people like you less? It’s true. Try it.

In other news, check out this Snow Mountain Wool Felt Toy Box on etsy.

I never learned how to play dominoes. Honestly, who had the time? Even as a child I had a lot of revenges to plot. I’m just saying, walk off with my red felt tip pen once and it’s a mistake you won’t make again.

If you want your wittle Princess to be a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, hang this chandelier over her crib for inspiration. And if you want your little Baby Bro to be a douchey dude in a date-rapey world, hang it over his crib. Hellooo, tiny upskirts.

I know these ice cream cone balloons have been around for-fucking-ever, but so have I, and that’s why my Alzheimer’s is starting to kick in. So moving on, have you seen these ice cream cone balloons? I hear they were invented tomorrow.