…said the balloons that I was loudly popping in the face of your soundly sleeping newborn.

Oh, that’s a genius idea, parents. Teach your dumb kids to draw on the bedding. Next thing you know they’ll be engaging in horseplay, thinking for themselves, or loosening their restraints long enough to dart into the living room, dial the maddeningly slow rotary phone you thought was “so retro!” and make a desperate plea to 911 before dashing back into the attic and pulling up the ladder just as they hear the sound of your keys crashing onto the tile floor as you, drunker and crazier than yesterday, yell and slur your demands for a gallon of whiskey and a vegan banana split before passing out face down on the futon bathed in the flickering glow of Nick At Night’s Perfect Strangers marathon. If that doesn’t sound fun, do yourself a favor and just go to Bed, Bath and Beyond like a normal person.

The only problem with this Brush Buddies Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush is the fact that it will make your teeth look like a total lesbian.

Hey, kids, this super-duper yummy and oh-so-nutritious Spaghetti O’s Pizza is brought to you by a severe Number 2 and the letters CP and S!

It’s hard to open a business in a shaky economy. It’s hard to open a bank account when you have bad credit. You know what it’s not hard to open? A GODDAMN BANANA.

Where the hell is the bandage for Pimp Stab? Uh… I’m asking for a friend. And yes, the friend and I do doubles. Just negotiate a price with my pimp.

I’m so not impressed, Butt Lightning. You may have a lighting bolt coming our of your butt, but I have ?#&*@^! coming out of my mouth.

Dudes, a tent with a mouse on it is super dangerous. Mice attract hungry snakes. Snakes attract hungry hawks. Hawks attract hungry bears. Bears attract hungry leather daddies. Leather daddies attract major chafing, and no one EVER remembers to pack baby powder when they’re camping.

Here’s a simple way to kill two birds with one do-it-your-damn-self stone. While you’re at The Home Depot picking up a shovel to dig out the yard for this project, go ahead and snag some cement mix. Then while your husband works on this for the kiddoes, you can kill the bitch he’s cheating on you with, pour a pair of cement shoes and toss that whore in the river. A couple hours of labor and you have a sunken trampoline and a sunken tramp. Easy-sleazy!

via the Pinteresting fingers of Sherry from Young House Love

Step 1: Meet Jerry Sandusky.

Step 2: Drop the soap.

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