This post is like the Doublemint Twins of BHG. Except you don’t want to tittyfuck it. (Or do you?!?) Up for grabs we have two items illustrated by Oliver Jeffers…

1. A hand-drawn map of the world and some pushpins. (Yay. Holes.)

2. A book called, “The Incredible Book Eating Boy.” (Let’s crap words!!)

via swissmiss

I desperately want the Candelier: a chandelier made of fifty pounds of gummy bears. The price is available upon request, but I can only assume that it costs a billion dollars. Maybe some of that is hush money, so they don’t write in your obituary that you died from a severe case of simultaneous electrocution and constipation. They’ll say it was something way less embarrassing, like Toxic Shock Syndrome.

this is a space holder and also a space cowboy

via Swiss-Miss

Yes, the tattooed old man doing the macarena is kinda scary. And sure, the half-toad, half-boy with a dash of Gene Simmons thrown in freaks me out. But the creepiest thing about this Night For Modern Living nightlight (besides its name) is that Freak Boy’s head is totally a penis. Don’t fret, you poor, terrifying bastard. I’ve found your dad!

Can I assume that this Super Mario cookie is made in various shades of brown because dude’s a plumber? Whatever, when you do it your damn self, I recommend using brighter colors so you don’t have to feel like you’re eating shit. Oh, and don’t feed it to the Princess. Nobody wants to save a fat chick.

via Technabob

Oh that’s so weird that I’m posting about birthday candles when I have a birthday coming up this Wednesday. But seriously don’t get me anything. Seriously, you guys. Don’t. I don’t want a plastic Happy Birthday tiara or this ring or anything for Anthropologie, anything at all. Nope, your well wishes and virtual friendship are gift enough. And please, consider my sarcasm and lies as an early thank you.

via Incredible Things

Fishbowls are extremely depressing. Every gynecologist I’ve ever had, however, has functioned under the impression that they’re a calming agent. Guess what, gynie? A fishtank in the waiting room doesn’t soothe my nerves. It makes me have to pee, which is really unpleasant when you’re about to shove cold metal up my parts.

But I digress. These fish bowl bookends should be cute, but really they’re just sad, because the poor fish are trapped in a tiny, watery prison cell with a giant window to your embarrassing reading choices. Spending his life swimming around next to A Night Without Armor: Poems by Jewel is pretty much a fate worse than death.

This book is called Fifty Dangerous Things (You Should Let Your Children Do). Sounds like a wonderful idea. The list includes Lick a 9-Volt Battery, Throw a Spear and, of course, Kiss Hello Like the French. Though I’m pretty sure that last one is just a holdover from the talent portion of Toddlers and Tiaras.

Remember when I ripped on Barney Rubble’s wiener some weeks ago? Well, the little son-of-a-bitch has redeemed himself by lending his mug to these vintage hangers. Seriously, how fucking cool are they? If I were a kid I would totally hang my kiddie halter tops on these. I was such a kinder-whore.

Cute! Keyboard stickers that replace the letters with cartoon representations of the letters. QWERTY is now Quaker Walrus Elf Radio Tooth. Now I’m sure you think that I’m going to suggest dirty pictures to replace the letters instead like, oh, Queef Wanking Ejaculation Rectum TilaTequila YourMom, but I’m not going to do that. I’m above that. So you can go ahead and Fellatio Underwear Cankles Knob Oral Fart Fist.

If my brother and I ordered personalized silhouettes representing our childhoods, they’d have to show him in his standard defensive fight position of laying on the ground and bunny-kicking the shit out of me, and me in my not-even-remotely defensive position of being tied to the banister for an hour by my own sweatshirt sleeves.

P.S. Is that Shiloh the Mermaid Girl? I know, I know… too soon.