You can buy these Solar Powered Animal Nightlights at Nigel’s Eco Store. That’s right, Nigel’s Eco Store. The only thing getting less laid than that store is no one. Not even that fucking Welch’s Grapes guy. And that guy hasn’t seen a vagina since the day he was born and even then his mom, like, totally blitzed out on an epidural.

If I were crafty in the “knitting needles, glue sticks and glitter” sense of the word instead of just the “hatches elaborate plans to steal change from tip jars to feed her meth and Homies habits” sense of the word, I’d totally do it my damn self and make a fucking Michael Jackson doll. And I do mean a fucking Michael Jackson doll. He’d be the perfect penisy playmate for my stash of naked Kewpie dolls, who I dare say are far too sexually repressed for a batch of inanimate toddlers.

But I digress. You, dear readers, will have to fulfill my crotchy crocheted fantasies by purchasing the pattern and making this Pedo Play Pal for me. Just don’t bother making the pants.

“Yo’ baby so fat, he use an Earf Mover to eat his English peas.”

Constructive Eating Utensils Set, $19.95

“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll suplex your pussy.”

Throwdown Bed, $999

I heard your OB/GYN used these to scoop yeast-y chunks out of your cooch. True or false?

This handmade wooly mammoth puzzle is only $42.75. Which is cheaper than traveling back in time and disassembling an actual wooly mammoth, but not as cheap dressing up a date and jigsawing him or her. And by date, I mean pocket vagina.

I did a report on Clara Barton in Mr. Avery’s 6th grade English class, therefore I’m an authority on this Red Cross-esque Folding Picnic Set. It also makes me an authority on sawing the legs off of wounded Civil War soldiers. Honestly, it’s just like cutting wood. Well, it is when you’re doing it very seductively and your saw slips a few inches to the north.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, there’s no possible way this could get any more adorable, but that’s where you’re wrong. If I owned it, I’d add a conversation bubble that says, “Whooo gives a fuck?” See? Cussing = The Cutest.

Modern Playhouse? More like Evidence that Your Parents Don’t Love You. Plywood isn’t for play time, people. It’s for building last-minute, makeshift backyard coffins when your Match.com date turns out to be way less hot than her picture.

A fun, poppy print, “And now let the wild rumpus start” is equally at home in a child’s room or at an orgy. And that’s not something you can say too many things, except, maybe, Pete Townshend, Roman Polanski and the the late Michael Jackson.