Looks like somebody finally dethroned John Madden for Biggest Head in the Goddamned World.

I just got back from a vacation where I had to wear flip-flops (barf party) every day for a week. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I felt homeless, just like this stupid flip-flop phone looks homeless. Phone homeless. ET Phone Homeless. The ET stands for Embarrassing Travesty. Also, I left my brain on vacation, did you notice?

Unless someone builds me a marinara swimming pool, a melted cheese hot tub and a Hazmat-certified solid gold panic room*,  this pretzel pool float can move the fuck along.

*Sometimes a gal just needs a panic room, mkay?

This Converse pillow is cool, but I’ve been sleeping on a Chuck for years. Your father says hello, by the way.

Here’s a fun tip: if you know a slutty girl named Ivy, nickname her “H.” I did it once, and I still consider myself a certifiable genius. Also, here’s an ivy bike lock. Perfect for the town bicycle, wouldn’t you say?

While this Scrappy Ribbon Garland is perfectly lovely, I’d make just a few minor tweaks… Instead of ribbon I’d use tampons and instead of white lights, I’d use red. Then I’d hang it and shout, “It’s about to get menstrual up in this bitch.”

If you beat your disobedient children with cloud-shaped wire hangers, it’s completely within the law to call their tears, “The Gentle Rain of Submission.”

Boys, if you keep porn on a USB, you can use this poodle to doodle your noodle.

In the all-gum version of Star Wars, Chewbacca was played by a very small man named… Peter Maychew.

Worse joke than my last post? Hard to say, dickbags. Hard to say.

Hey, those pants make your ass look really tacky!

…I’ll go wait in the car.