Thursday, July 26, 2012

Air Apparent

I know these ice cream cone balloons have been around for-fucking-ever, but so have I, and that’s why my Alzheimer’s is starting to kick in. So moving on, have you seen these ice cream cone balloons? I hear they were invented tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Also, Tastier Nuts

Looks like somebody finally dethroned John Madden for Biggest Head in the Goddamned World.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Waiting for the Other Call to Drop

I just got back from a vacation where I had to wear flip-flops (barf party) every day for a week. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I felt homeless, just like this stupid flip-flop phone looks homeless. Phone homeless. ET Phone Homeless. The ET stands for Embarrassing Travesty. Also, I left my brain on vacation, did you notice?

Thursday, June 28, 2012


Unless someone builds me a marinara swimming pool, a melted cheese hot tub and a Hazmat-certified solid gold panic room*,  this pretzel pool float can move the fuck along.




*Sometimes a gal just needs a panic room, mkay?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Don’t Bed on Me

This Converse pillow is cool, but I’ve been sleeping on a Chuck for years. Your father says hello, by the way.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Keep Thinking… You’ll Get it…

Here’s a fun tip: if you know a slutty girl named Ivy, nickname her “H.” I did it once, and I still consider myself a certifiable genius. Also, here’s an ivy bike lock. Perfect for the town bicycle, wouldn’t you say?


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

You Must Be Tribbon

While this Scrappy Ribbon Garland is perfectly lovely, I’d make just a few minor tweaks… Instead of ribbon I’d use tampons and instead of white lights, I’d use red. Then I’d hang it and shout, “It’s about to get menstrual up in this bitch.”

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cloud Nein

If you beat your disobedient children with cloud-shaped wire hangers, it’s completely within the law to call their tears, “The Gentle Rain of Submission.”

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This Dog; Pants

Boys, if you keep porn on a USB, you can use this poodle to doodle your noodle.








Thursday, April 26, 2012

Gummin’ Up the Jerks

In the all-gum version of Star Wars, Chewbacca was played by a very small man named… Peter Maychew.


Worse joke than my last post? Hard to say, dickbags. Hard to say.

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