I love this balloon invitation, but I like the variation that they used at the end of that one movie (I can’t remember the name) for that charming, intimate little gathering out in the country. You know, where they had, like, a scavenger hunt and there was a guessing game?

Oh, that’s right… it was Se7en. That party looked so fun!

via Stephanie Fisher, who didn’t even know it

Chances are, if I’m behind you, it’s a swift roundhouse kick to the Mom jeans.

There’s a place that turns children’s drawings into toys and I can’t wait for my little squiggle-drawing turd of a nephew to start stepping it up. Seriously, I’m tired of “admiring” your pictures of tangled string. Get it together, toddler.

via BuzzFeed

I’ll build the toy if you build the baby. Make him a cross-eyed, breakdancing Canadian with an overbite. And make sure he’s cool with reenacting scenes from Gypsy for his dinner. And budget in a strictly-coveralls-and-Heelys wardrobe. And for the love of God, don’t ask me any questions.

This time-out chair is absolutely genius. I mean, just look at that huffy, miserable little jerk. The tinge of fear in his eyes comes from his correct assumption that I’m gonna kick that stool out from under him right when the sand runs out. That’s what you get for interrupting Mommy’s drinking games!

Okay, I know Pinterest doesn’t count as a source, but I don’t know where this came from, so deal with it.

What a super cute idea for sleepovers! But where am I going to find a spoon large enough to fit, “I don’t remember your name, but here have a parting gift?”

This is the lazy man’s version of the Q-tip skeleton craft. People with real dedication insist on the natural look of a decaying skeleton, easily achieved by using all the Q-tips first. Jab really deep to get the good, hard brown stuff. If you jab too hard and it comes out all red, it’s cool. Everyone knows skeletons are period-laden Commies.

After reading the front of this card, I’m really, really, really glad it’s a boy.

This little piggy went clubbin’.

This little piggy got stoned.

This little piggy took ecstasy.

This little piggy did blow.

And this little piggy cried, “Untz untz, untz,” all the way home.

We encourage readers to send us submissions, but one went above and beyond and wrote my damn post for me:

Dear Baddest Bitches,

Who wants a package from Santa’s pants? Too bad he only comes once a year and it’s down someone’s “chimney.”

-Jewlz Frytini

Much like the Goonies, that’s good enough for me. And it’s Friday, so my work here is done.

*kicks feet up, knocks back whiskey, punches boss in face.*