Nice bicycle seat cover, dork. Listen, if you really want a bear up your ass, you should ditch the bike and look into rollerblades, if you know what I mean.

How sweet. You can make a wittle mousey bed for your wee kiddies in your Altoids tin. Or you can put joints in it like a normal red-blooded American citizen. What’s that you say? Those mice are stuffed with cocaine? Carry on, good Sir. Carry on.

I once had a roommate who was trying to clean paint out of an outlet and I said, “Why don’t you try a butter knife?” She said, “Oh, that’s a good idea.” Then she died to death of dumbness.

Ouchlet Outlet Covers, $4.99

via Incredible Things

These are called Cupcake Kebobs, but I’ll probably still call them breakfast. Eating whatever I want is the only reason I became an adult, bitches. Suck my D, Food Pyramid.

via Poppytalk Handmade

Well, thank the Lord that someone finally invented self-standing cutlery. Trying in vain to balance my forks and knives on end has really been a bitch with my advanced Parkinson’s Disease and more advanced alcohol withdrawal symptoms. (I haven’t had a drink in at least 45 minutes.)

You should never let a dude into your vagina on the first date. That’s what second dates are for. But you can let him into your fauxgina. He may even think it’s the real thing… from what I’ve heard, they’re about the same size.

Check out this radical art book by Scott Campbell. The forward is by Jack Black so you know what that means — It’s going to be bloated and sweaty. Unless it’s a different Jack Black and then boy is my face red…

Last Thursday a male friend and I were at a coffee shop. He ordered an herbal tea and the barrista said, “maybe you should try yoga for your cramps.” Later that day he sent me this Romantic Star Projector and I shouted, “Knock off the herbal tea, Linda.” We laughed and laughed…and then he punched me in the ovaries…with his tampon.

I love this pillow beast so much I wanna marry it. How does that work, again? First ladies can marry ladies, then ladies can marry toddlers, then ladies can marry dogs, and THEN ladies can marry pillow beasts?  Correct me if I’m wrong, Republicans…

I hate to break it to the company that makes these, but little boys come equipped with their own tube toys.