This utensil has a lot going on. On the one hand it might stab you, but on the other hand it might just redneck you to death.

With just a flick of the wrist you, too, can enter the enchanting wonderland of high blood pressure, bloating and swollen ankles. Welcome to your 30s, snitches.

Magical Wand Salt & Pepper Shaker, $15

I’m a little teapot,

Short and stout.

Here is my handle,

Here is my spout.

When I get all steamed up

I will shout

That you’ll probably get gastroenteritis from non-pathogenic microbial bone-decay residue contaminating your tea, or possibly even contract cadaverine or putrescine from ingesting toxic doses of the substances.

You can’t put a price on the simple thrill of offending people. Oh, wait. You can. It’s $10. I thought this was a print, but it’s actually a t-shirt. You could technically use it as an apron with some strategic cutting, and that’s home-and-garden enough for me. You kids have a problem with that? Because I’ll turn this internet around! That’s what I thought.

Via Pinterest.

Add “tranquilizer” to the end of this thought and you’ve got my Saturday night.

The most important thing about these fruit stands is fact that they appear on a site called holycool.net so please shout that the next time someone tells you something amazing or even remotely interesting. HOLYCOOLDOTNET!! It’s even more obnoxious than you’re imagining right now.

via Clint “Murderball” Martin

Surely it’s no coincidence that a dish used for making pie looks like a package of birth control pills. Either way, I can’t wait to pop your cherry…

…pie into the oven.

I hate the Rubix cube. That is all. No wait…I hate it when people say “that is all.” So that is all.

via Liz “No Preservatives” R.

In the game of “I could so do that,” Mark Rothko is the ultimate winner. Now you really can ‘do it’ by making his cookies and eating them. Oh yeah, I want to eat Mark Rothko’s cookies. It shouldn’t sound dirty, but it does. Now let’s just hope they’re moist. Ewww. Sick.

via CMYBacon

A recipe for Unicorn Poop cookies. Looks like their diet consists mainly of rainbows or the Lisa Frank section of your local Target. I’d stay away from both. They pack a mega-lot of poop into those glittery colons.