I love the shit out of these magnets, but that’s not really what this post is about. This post is really a special announcement letting you know that we are officially receiving bondage spam! I know what you’re thinking, “What the hell took them so long?” Right?

A Mr. Tea Towel?!? I feel like we all should have thought of this one million Murdochs ago.

You may recognize this as the wrapping paper I used to wrap all those fantastic gifts I left on your doorstep last night. Wait? You didn’t get them? Damn you Hamburglar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, this wrapping paper is $2,000 away from being real. Go help them out on Kickstarter, because God knows I’m too cheap to.

First, they fill the cupcake with frosting! And then they fill you with self-loathing! Fun-da-middles! Fuck you, clothes that fit!

P.S. I do hope you all realize that these will be (literally) stuffing the (gut) stockings of every single loved one in my life because they sound ridiculously delicious.

Can’t decided what to make for dinner? Don’t commit suicide. There’s another solution: Dinner Dice. Just roll to compose a unique meal. Wait a minute. I don’t see leftover pizza or box of Cheez-Its in here. Just kidding. I’m an amazing cook. I’m practically Martha Stewart. And after I consume her heart, I actually will be. Serial killer stuff. You wouldn’t understand.

Look, someone upcycled an AT-AT  into a deepfryer / grill / griddle combo with a cutting board sidecar (as if anyone fucking eats vegetables anymore). It doesn’t come with a replacement colon. But it does come with free apathy. Fat pants and Segway sold separately.

I recently stumbled across the Partners & Spade shop. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it looks pretentious so we should totally rip off those 1%ers and their hoity toity designs. Like these $45 salt and pepper shakers. Step 1: steal tiny S&P shakers from your local bistro; Step 2: Steal tiny cars from your local private preschool; Step 3: Glue together; Step 4: Head to your local Occupy Wall Street protest to show off you’re new J. Crew coat. It sounds wrong, but it feel so right.

Apparently this pepper mill is a “faithful reproduction of the Scandinavian classic.” I don’t know about the Scandinavian part, but I hope for salt’s sake that it remains faithful, because with an appearance that penisy, it damn sure looks like it can reproduce.

I have my own form of Kitchen Bull. And it goes a little something like, “Of course I didn’t soak your meatloaf in ipecac.”

I told you, no squeeing at the table. Where are your table manners? I traded mine for a pirate eyepatch. Deal of the century.