Edible google-y eyes?!? Fuck you, Jonas Salk and your precious Polio vaccine… This is the greatest invention of all time.

Here’s a tea towel that mocks all those Best Cuts of Meat placemats. But I think we can all agree those placemats are kind of a waste and the real best cut of meat is whatever you can drag home on a Friday night.

First the Brits give us the Beckhams, then Pippa Middleton’s ass and now this heated butter knife? You slender-shouldered bastards spoil us, you really do.

Speaking of Beard Koozies… Look for my new line of Bike Merkins coming to a cycle shop near you!

Nothing classes up a bucket of chicken like owning all your original teeth. (Classier still if they’re attached to your gums.) But since that’s not doable for most of you hillbillies, the next best thing is this Necktie Bib. Well, that and maybe stop sleeping with your cousins…

via CMYBacon

The next time I have the queen over, I’m using these to serve her tea. I just want to see if she turns into a wolf, bugs her eyes out and blows steam out of her ears.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! And when life gives you a lemon-powered clock, make a call to the patent office and ask them why they’re wasting everyone’s time on this shit when there are diamond kittens to be invented.

via Bobby Finger, whose last name wants to make out with my last name.

Technology takes the fun out of everything. (Not you, TV. You know I love you the best.) Case and point, the Milkmaid smart milk jug which pH tests your milk to see if it’s spoiled. That’s like drug testing pilots before a flight. Or making surgeons say the alphabet backwards before ganking your tumor. Some of us like to live on the edge. Ok?

If this silverware was any manlier, the fork would have a penis and the spoon would be Melissa Etheridge.

In this version of Russian Roulette we each lift our bun to see who gets the hamburger I dropped on the ground. Also, the dog licked it a little. And there’s a pube on it. That’s the “secret” in my “secret” sauce. Tell no one.