Breakfast: an important part of any well-balanced murder. Below, the FDA’s homicide pyramid for your reference. And if you’re wondering what happened to the usual breakfast-touting cartoon character you’d find hanging around any given box of Toasty-Os, let’s just say I “murdered” him.

breakfast

eye-contact & strangling

bullets to groin and other non-essential bits

shallow knife stabbings spaced out over days, weeks or months.

*Read to the tune of Bell Bottom Blues by Derek and the Dominoes.

Your favorite blue jeans are great and all. But can they fry bacon? I thought not. That’s one in the WIN column for the blue jeans butt pan (now on sale for just $7.99!). This acid wash pan both fits and flatters. Speaking of which, does Gap still make those reverse fit jeans? What does that mean and who wears those? Inside out people?

Via, Copyranter. 

Even though these three glasses are shaped differently, they hold the same amount of liquid. Just like how Sarah, Nikki and I are shaped differently but hold the same amount of rage, contempt and quinoa fried rice.

The product description for this soy sauce dropper says it’s mouth-blown and gives you control over how much flavor you want. I say if you plan on breaking this out at your next dinner party, don’t be surprised if some of the ladies and gents get a little confused about exactly what kind of party you’re hosting. Know what I mean, Vern?

Oh, even our cheese graters have to be twee now? For the love of Gouda. Check back tomorrow to learn whether grating the fuck out of my wrists has resulted in a successful suicide.

Oh, like it’s new news that stroking it changes the size of your beater.

Good news, this post isn’t about another excruciating bacon product. It’s about Benny’s Beef Straws for your Bloody Marys. Straws made out of beef, y’all. As a Texan, Ron Swanson aficionado and high-functioning alcoholic I personally endorse this product. Benny, you can pay me in cash, credit or beef straw middles. I know you don’t just throw those away.

Dirty Doilies are just the thing you need the next time your in-laws are in town. Nothing says “you’re not really welcome here” quite like penises, high heels and open leg squats.

via Incredible Things

I got so excited when I saw these and then I saw the price tags. $430 for each state? Fuck you, iron skillet states. They claim to be pre-seasoned, but with what? Pioneer tears? Buffalo semen? No? Then they’re too expensive, dammit.

via CMYBacon

I come from a long line of domestic goddesses, so I already have my Grandmother’s recipes framed and hanging in my kitchen. And by that I’ve mean I’ve stapled the label from a bottle of Tequila onto the wall above my Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.