Saturday, January 5, 2013

A Dirty Trick

Looks like I can finally upgrade my bath style from Whore’s to Cowboy. Cowboy Bath lets you scrub dem dirty parts when you’re on the go, like camping, mountain biking and probably also semi-professional backyard mud-wrasslin’. Plus it’s from fucking TEXAS where all amazing things are created. I’ll just leave exhibits A and B right here.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

These are a Few of My Most Hated Things

In the style of “My Favorite Things.”

asdfasd

Rain on my glasses, smalltalk, and proposals;

Fast cars and loud bars and stinky disposals;

Your face, DVD players, and tangled up strings;

These are a few of my most hated things!

asdfasd

Rouched sleeves on t-shirts and dogs without leashes;

slow walkers, loud neighbors, and warm, sunny beaches;

overwrought novels and actors who sing;

these are a few of my most hated things!

asdfds

Yes, your poem bites!

No, you can’t sing!

People are “whos,” not “thats!”

These are a few of my most hated things;

And it’s not the pants, you’re fat!

asdfds

Happy New Year, assholes!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Extra Meat, Pleas

Not only does this roller fork make eating pizza much easier, but it also greatly improves the efficiency of wiener-based cannibalism.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Tap that Ass

Nothing says “I’m still a bachelor” like a stadium seat that makes it look like you’re pissing yourself and drinking your own urine. Newsflash: your seat may be camouflage, but we can clearly see that you’ll die alone.

 

 

Via Caleb, who’s a poet blog contributer and didn’t know it.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Soda Jerk

Apparently you can use your washing machine to store cold drinks for parties. Just remember to separate your white drinks from your colored drinks, you goddamned racist.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Nailed It!

According to the internet, polydactylism is very rare in celebrities, which I find quite disappointing…

*BEGIN INNER MONOLOGUE*

Fuck, do I go with a disapPOINTing pun or soldier on with my intended, half-baked post idea? On the one hand -

Goddamn it, I did it again! What magical pillow powers does this thing have? Okay, focus and write your first idea, which is decidedly terrible.

*END INNER MONOLOGUE*

According to the internet, polydactylism is very rare in celebrities, which I find quite disappointing. So I vote we cut off Justin Bieber’s weiner and give Regis Philbin a new pinkie.

 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Salt/Water/Fool

Unless someone builds me a marinara swimming pool, a melted cheese hot tub and a Hazmat-certified solid gold panic room*,  this pretzel pool float can move the fuck along.

 

 

 

*Sometimes a gal just needs a panic room, mkay?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Song of So Low Man

 

Hey, I sure hate you,

Cuz you’re so lazy,

I’ve got your number:

You’re no Scorsese

 

I know for sure that

Your future’s hazy,

“Deep” thoughts and slumber,

You fucking baby

 

And all the other guys

Have advanced degrees

But you’re encumbered

By Art Star Crazies.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Free Throw in the Towel

They call this the Lazy Man’s Football Chair. Not nearly lazy enough, if you want my opinion. Hit me back when you create the Lazy Man’s Refrigerator Chair with built-in toilet and jumbo-sized cup holder. Also, make it a motorized cart so I can go to the grocery store for more Cheetos.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Two is the Stupidest Number

Is there a Nobel Errand prize? Because there should be and it should go to the inventor of The One Trip Grip. Here is a comprehensive list of things that are NOT worse than having to make two trips to get your groceries out of the car:

1) Nuclear apocalypse

2) Trying on bathing suits

3) The line at Wal-mart

4) Roaches

5) The smell of the shit Rush Limbaugh took in his pants when he heard this. Woot!

6) The ending of Lost

7) Anything by Michael Bay

8 ) Cancer

9) Satan

10) High heels that look like sneakers

11) When both cable and the internet go out

12) Airports

13) Butt pimples

14) The Twilight books

15) The Twilight movies

16) Ironing

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