Fittingly, I’m too lazy to click through to see exactly how The Original Shirt Plate holds a plate conveniently with in lip’s grasp of your gaping maw. However, I can tell you, on the off chance you work up the energy to get up before the butt-chair graft is complete, this product pairs perfectly with this:
This beautiful wooden hammock is very Kafkaesque, wouldn’t you say? Très Gregor Samsa post-arthropodal transformation.
That’s right, dear readers, I totally took 9th grade English. Three times!
Get those guys from To Catch a Predator on the horn because someone has finally invented a teenager trap with the discerning molester in mind. Now if we can only find a away to convert angsty, disenfranchised napping into energy, all the world’s problems will be solved. I’ve been working on a equation, but so far this is is all I’ve got:
88’0$ = 58008
Don’t tell my bosses at the Department of Defense, but that’s not technically an equation. It’s just a “secret code” informing my coworkers that I’ll flash for $0.88. Don’t judge. Sometimes when you need a fucking Snickers Bar, you really need a fucking Snickers Bar.
When I’m not busy thinking of ways to add ‘period face’ to a post, I like to unwind by inventing products that no one thinks they need, but trust me you do. Introducing Fart Stickers. They’re vinyl decals that you can stick anywhere and make it look like anything is farting. And the best part is, all the proceeds go to a charity of your choice*.
*Chad and Nikki’s Break-Even Fund
It’s sort of sad to think that the complex bouquet of human emotion can be boiled down into a keyboard of 16 emoticons…because everybody knows that emotions are for pussies! Jesus. Weren’t you listening when you’re dad told you to stop being a man-gina and to stop massaging your tears of woe into your giant, drippy man-gina and to stop wearing your Carebear footie pajamas because caring is for Commies and bears are just a lie the Democrats invented so that California could have a less gay flag? His words, not mine.
This is the perfect bed for anyone suffering from Stigmata, as it appears to be wrapped in Always Dri Weave.
The best defense against shark attack is an emphatic toot to the mouth. Just be careful not to scare yourself. It’s impossible to fend off a shark while looking incredulous about your own flatulence.
PS – I get the vague impression that one of us may have posted this before and so what. I may be lazy, but I’m not the one who’s drinking White Out right now. Oh, wait. I am.
These knockers enjoy the occasional squirt. Out their wieners. Wait, I’m confused. But, first booby joke of 2011! First pee pee joke of 2011! First transgendered booby /dog joke of 2011! Consider all of yourselves served.
Snurk Bedding‘s trompe l’oeil bra and thong comforters are dual purpose: they remind you that you’ll never have a real girl in your bedroom, but they also distract your mother from the stains caused by your jizz and tears of loneliness.
I don’t know how necessary a Pac Man Cookie Cutter is, but apparently it’s being made. So for all you knob jobs out there too lazy to cut a piece out of regular cookie, here it is. Complete with three ghosts. Guess you’ll have to make your own pellets. Yes, that’s a doodoo joke. Yes, I’m 32. Your point?
