Monday, March 12, 2012

Rock Hard Flabs

Call me a feminist, but I think men should be under as much soul-crushing social pressure to stay thin and beautiful as women are. In the interest of this somewhat self-serving goal, I am posting fatty fat fat David, a giant fat statue of the clit-shriveling way you look when I wear my X-ray specs. So stop pushing your 28″ pants down further under your bellies and  go to the gym already. And get me a cheeseburger on your way home, Fatty.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Jack Be Nimble

If you’re going to launch a sneak masturbation attack, it’s best to do it in a camouflage bed. That way they’ll never see you coming.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Because I Said So

These are called Stamps of Disapproval, but they should be called Stamps of Maternal Guilt. They say things like “Missed Opportunity” and “Are you happy with this?” And the truth is no, it’s not my best work, but I’ve had a lot to do today and my face is really dry and peeling and it’s freezing in here and yet I’m still sweaty and why are you so mean to me?!? You never let me do anything I want to do ever!! I’m going to runaway and never come back and then you’ll see!! *Slams door, Packs “Goin’ to Grandma’s” suitcase, Blasts 311.*

 

Friday, October 7, 2011

Post Title Goes Here

I’ve spent my entire Friday intermittently napping in my cube and taking my shoes off to see if I can smell them from under my desk. Yet I couldn’t muster the mental energy to write a decent post about the art of Alex Pardee. True story. I did, however, dream that I invented a device that allows you to fart in your own face. So, I’m just going to coast on that for awhile.

Via  Super Punch.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Meh-rry Christmas

We encourage readers to send us submissions, but one went above and beyond and wrote my damn post for me:

Dear Baddest Bitches,

Who wants a package from Santa’s pants? Too bad he only comes once a year and it’s down someone’s “chimney.”

-Jewlz Frytini

Much like the Goonies, that’s good enough for me. And it’s Friday, so my work here is done.

*kicks feet up, knocks back whiskey, punches boss in face.*

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Calendurrr

Apparently the Do It List thinks you only have one thing to do. So here’s my Do It List for the day:

Make fun of this asinine product in a public forum.

Check! Thanks, Do It List!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Bitches and Pussies: Krappa Stigma Epsilawn

The Porch Potty may be for dogs, but I’m guessing at least one fraternity has this on their porch for drunken party pissers. The premium model only costs $279, which is the cost of, what, three pre-date rape dinners, some cab fare and a morning after pill? Worth it!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Beerly Able to Function

I’m totally the ideal demographic for this remote-controlled rolling cooler. Not only am I too lazy to walk five feet to get a drink, I’m even too la

 

 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A Half-Baked Idea

Gotta run. I need to put some boots on over my sneakers, load a smart car into my SUV, head to the store where I’ll put a basket inside my shopping cart and then pick up some of these flour and sugar bag storage containers.

Question: would getting knocked up first for that whole “person inside another person thing” be taking this too far? I sense that it might, but I need to explain why I’m drinking for two.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Two Kernels, One Bowl

It took us awhile, but we’re finally getting around to posting the Corn Kerneler. It removes your corn for you since you’re too lazy to eat like a big boy/girl. And since you’re such an incredible layabout, may I also suggest saving yourself further energy by going ahead and pouring the whole kernels directly into the toilet. We all know how it’s going to end, now don’t we?

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