These knockers enjoy the occasional squirt. Out their wieners. Wait, I’m confused. But, first booby joke of 2011! First pee pee joke of 2011! First transgendered booby /dog joke of 2011! Consider all of yourselves served.

Snurk Bedding‘s trompe l’oeil bra and thong comforters are dual purpose: they remind you that you’ll never have a real girl in your bedroom, but they also distract your mother from the stains caused by your jizz and tears of loneliness.

I don’t know how necessary a Pac Man Cookie Cutter is, but apparently it’s being made. So for all you knob jobs out there too lazy to cut a piece out of regular cookie, here it is. Complete with three ghosts. Guess you’ll have to make your own pellets. Yes, that’s a doodoo joke. Yes, I’m 32. Your point?

I won a map-folding contest when I was in 11th grade.

That’s pretty much all I have to say…just wanted to brag a little…

What’s that? You have actual accomplishments? Like you’ve done things that matter? Not just some meaningless victory over a group of idiots?

Oh.

Well fuck you then.

Crumpled City Map, Made for Wadding Up, €12,00

From the seller:

“Tapeworm emerging from a Cassette Tape. This guy is confused! “I’m a tape-worm, right, I eat tapes?”

The tapeworm is bendable so you can rearrange its positions as to your own desires.

The tapeworm is glued into the tape and is not able to be removed. The tapeworm is made of pure wool felt, and supersoft wire (this makes it really easy to adjust his position).”

I didn’t even phone that in. I had my secretary text it to some child laborers and they tweeted it back to me so that I could ALT V it here.

This working xylophone table is better than all of your other childhood memories combined. Because you can’t set your beer on any of your other childhood memories. Don’t forget to use a coaster.

These little jars are the perfect place to keep the cuff links that match your hirsute. Thank you. Thank you. I’ve been here all week!

This is the perfect lamp for the slutty Black Widow about town. The gun turns the light out and knocks back the shade. So if tonight’s male companion doesn’t live up to your *clears throat* expectations when he drops trow you can either put the lights out or put his lights out.

Here’s an illustrative guide to why you should never tell people they have food on their face. For those of you too old to see that small (or too lazy/disinterested in my artwork to click to see the large version), the summary is you tell them there’s stuff on their face, they can’t find it, there’s a protracted back-and-forth about where the stuff is and you end up hating each other. That’s what broke up Britney and Justin, Pontius Pilat and Jesus, and Donald and Ivana. It’s better your bestie have a thimble full of guac hanging out of her nose all night than you compromise your precious friendship. Plus, when the schmutz really starts to build up, the results can be quite interesting.

This clock pillow from Gretel Home is an awesome dichotomy. On the one hand, clocks are for telling you it’s time to do stuff. And pillows are for sitting around doing nothing. And if you’re sitting around on a clock pillow, it’s definitely time to get the fuck up. When you can’t feel a second hand drilling repeatedly into your anus, something is seriously wrong.

Via Lucky Magazine, that bitch.