You can buy these Solar Powered Animal Nightlights at Nigel’s Eco Store. That’s right, Nigel’s Eco Store. The only thing getting less laid than that store is no one. Not even that fucking Welch’s Grapes guy. And that guy hasn’t seen a vagina since the day he was born and even then his mom, like, totally blitzed out on an epidural.

“Yo’ baby so fat, he use an Earf Mover to eat his English peas.”

Constructive Eating Utensils Set, $19.95

“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll suplex your pussy.”

Throwdown Bed, $999

I heard your OB/GYN used these to scoop yeast-y chunks out of your cooch. True or false?

This sofa looks pointy but it’s made entirely of soft, cushy foam. That means no sharp corners, stray nails or “do not remove by penalty of federal law” tags to terrorize your kids. So, give ‘em some blow, kick back, and, you know, just see what happens.

This handmade wooly mammoth puzzle is only $42.75. Which is cheaper than traveling back in time and disassembling an actual wooly mammoth, but not as cheap dressing up a date and jigsawing him or her. And by date, I mean pocket vagina.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, there’s no possible way this could get any more adorable, but that’s where you’re wrong. If I owned it, I’d add a conversation bubble that says, “Whooo gives a fuck?” See? Cussing = The Cutest.

A fun, poppy print, “And now let the wild rumpus start” is equally at home in a child’s room or at an orgy. And that’s not something you can say too many things, except, maybe, Pete Townshend, Roman Polanski and the the late Michael Jackson.

If you’d like to see my underpants, meet me at the docks. 7ish. Wear something weighted.

I See London, I See France Milk Glasses, $15

Shaped like a Game Controller and scented with Monkey Farts?! This soap is like sex repellent. Which is a good thing since I presume it’s for kids.