Monday, October 18, 2010

Loose Bitches: Mission Apparition

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least to ditch our cohorts and buy some art-horts.

I’m pretty sure you guys are sick of me waxing Brazilian about Blake Wright and his general badassery, so I’ll leave you with one parting image before we move on…

…to the rad pants worn by one mister Erik Schuessler.

That picture was taken mere moments before Hammertime. Anyway, on Friday night, I gathered my gaggle of man friends and hit up Guerilla Arts for the joint Blake N’ Erik show, which is not what it was called.

Dudes, there were so many captions on the guys’ art that I should have gotten a damn Personal Pan Pizza after reading all that shit. Not that I’m complaining, of course. The boyfriend and I loved it all so much that we bought ourselves some hot-tubbin’ ghosties. I’m putting each piece’s caption underneath it so you can get the full wrecks in effect:

Ghosts love to go hot tubbing only parrots can see them, and they keep their distance.

Ghosts love large family portraits so much they tend to build theme parks around them.

Ghosts can only float so high, after a while they need help so they get ghost ladders, but this one was caught on the clock tower.

Ghosts are always very generous at birthday parties, however no one really sees ghost gifts so they feel unappreciated sometimes.


I was super impressed that Erik is so talented at photography that he can both travel back in time and also capture the supernatural on film. Those skills alone mean that his work is gonna skyrocket in price by, like, 4:30 this afternoon, so you should probably go to Guerilla Arts and buy it right now. Trust me: I’m the one who gave Martha Stewart all her advice on the stock market.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Straighten Up and Buy Wright

Hey, numbnuts, remember The Blake Wright? Of course you do, because he awesomes all over your face during your art-filled wet daydreams. Anyway, tomorrow is your chance to fork over the hard-earned dollars and cents you get from your sugar daddy to buy his artstuffs and officially make yourself cooler than all your friends. Plus we’ll be there, which takes that shit to an eleven.

In conclusion, local yokels and private jet owners: we’ll see your ugly mugs at the show tomorrow. You can find us by the bar waiting for you to buy us drinks.

Friday, October 15th from 7:00 – 9:00

1900 Haskell, Dallas TX, 75204

Monday, September 27, 2010

Bird Brains

It’s almost migration season, which means flocks of frostbitten, flying little chippies are headed my way with their chirpy repertoire of hangover-multiplying morning choral arrangements. This year I’ll be sending those birdies a message with these seedy spice skulls from artist (and local yocal), Helen Altman. The message being, “So long as you’re here making me want to kill myself, could you at least eat the corpses I left in the back alley? Thanks.”

Monday, September 20, 2010

Loose Bitches: Fancy Meating You Here

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least stuff our faces with dead animal parts.


Thus went the rallying cry at Meat Fight 2010. The Cheap Bastard end-of-summered our piggy faces off with a meat feast like nobody’s beeswax. Competitors from around the globe (that’s what I call the tri-neighborhood area) ponied (and pigged, and cowed) up their beefy wares, and the competition was impressive. Peep this brisket, ya’ll.

The winners took home some sweet “trophies,” aka “future family heirlooms.”

The commemorative cups were large enough to puke into after eating forty pounds of assorted beefstuffs.

Of course, I didn’t puke. I was in prime meat-gorging shape after doing driveway lunges for three-and-a-half hours pre-meat fest.

Nikki feared for my life, but I didn’t even break a sweat! And it’s is a fucking miracle, because I consumed enough barbeque sauce that it would have leaked right outta my pores. But so did everyone else, so instead of feeling disgusting, I just felt irrationally superior to everyone around me. But what the hell else is new?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Specs Appeal

I love this cat print from Audrey Jeanne, even though it’s common knowledge that boys don’t make passes at pussies in glasses. They pretty much only make passes at pussies in edible underwear, pussies in hot tubs and pussies that act as serving dishes for warm Corn Nuts. It’s the white trash version of eating sushi off of naked women, and trust me when I say it’s all the rage in Arkansas.


via Dallas darlings We Are 1976

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Barley Legal

While I can clearly see the aesthetic appeal of this music box, the movement of which causes the barley to sway, I can’t shake the aw-shucks, redneck, hillbilly flavor of swaying barley. SWAYING BARLEY. Yeah, that’s some kissin’ cousin bullshit. I’m pretty sure this is the next thing those beer-eating bumpkins are gonna deep fry and mouthfuck at the State Fair of Texas.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Local Yocals: Oh, Bee-have

Thanks to the mind behind lolawesome (and behind my cubical wall), I have recently become aware of Zip Code Honey. The Dallas company places beehives in yards and on roofs around town – there’s even one on the roof of fancy-pants eatery Bolsa – and sells their citified honey down at the Dallas Farmer’s Market. This is fantastic news for me. If I had my own beehive, I’d train the bees to fly in the shape of a man and buzz in Morse Code. They’d join the police force and become the world’s best cop. And when they weren’t cornering bad guys on the mean streets of Dallas and oozing crime-preventing sticky stuff, we’d just sit around and chat. I’ve just been dying for some intelligent conversation on Middle East politics.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Loose Bitches: The Mural of the Story

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least avoid the 112 degree heat index in an air conditioned bike shop.

There are two factors that’ll make us break our own rules and stand in close proximity to a bunch of fixies: talented friends and Texas summers. Seriously, Dallas, what the fuck?

By the way, I’m taking volunteers to dust my dashboard. Which isn’t a euphemism, but probably should be.

Anyspray, Nikki an I strapped on our bitchfaces and headed to Transit Bike Company to make like an underwire pushup bra and support the tits out of Connor Hill and Matt Brinker, aka The Magnificent Beard. They do sweet-ass shit like this:

So what are the morals of the story? The Beard on the left (Connor) is more talented than you will ever be. The Beard on the right (Matt) is also more talented than you will ever be. And, finally, if you’re supporting your friends anywhere near The Gap,  Nikki will bully you into buying half price t-shirts that you don’t even want in the first place. Fact.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Loose Bitches: White Rocked

This weekend my mom and I went to check out the White Rock Local Market bi-monthly locals-only farmer’s market. I’m not one to dole out praise. Complimenting people gives me hives. But this market is awesome. It’s held the second and fourth Saturday of every month at the Green Spot on Buckner.

Since I hate anything that requires getting up early, putting on sunscreen, sweating profusely and operating a motor vehicle I figured I’d grab some organic tomatoes and get the eff out of there. But we ended up hanging around for an hour and sampling delicious baked goods from Village Baking Co., fresh lard-free tamales from The Tamale Company, organic produce from Farmer Jones, homemade jams from Rosey Ridge Farm, and some fantastic Viognier from Brennan Vineyards.  Plus I got the boys from the Texas Olive Ranch to pose for this sweet-ass photo after sipping a spicy olive oil they claimed was made with real rattlesnake. Whether that’s true or not, it was totally delicious.

In conclusion, forget whatever you had planned for the second Saturday in August and go get your socks White Rocked off. You’ll be glad you did because anyone who isn’t out there supporting our local businesses is going to have to answer to my fist. He has a PhD in physics so you know the questions will be real hard.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Loose Bitches: Austin’s Renegade Craft Fair

Every now and again, we are let loose from our cages to roam the countryside in search of craft fairs and greasy food.

Last weekend I braved a massive rainstorm and the flooded, decrepit highways of Dallas to make the 3.5 hour drive to Austin to a) bum free room and board from my beloved brother and sister-in-law, b) attend the first-ever Austin Renegade Craft Fair, and c) eat a bunch of pork and fried sugary sweets.

The craft fair was great. To start things off there was no entry fee. Yay! To continue the party, there were women without breast implants, blonde updos and Spanks. There were men who probably don’t wear Axe body spray (plus 2) but definitely do wear sandals (minus 1 for Hobbit feet). Still a net gain. The booths were great, and in spite of the massive crowd, no one was punched, stabbed or otherwise maimed.

Shirts from Campfire.

Posters from Two Rabbits Studios. I bought the wolf with socks, so don’t even think about copying me.

Presidential Pillows from a wahl designs

Me in the Magnolia photo booth with my brother and sister-in-law, who literally ducked out of this photo to avoid the embarrassment of an association with the literary atrocities of this blog.

We did a tour of the best of Austin’s oh-so-trendy trailer park eating and got some Holy Cacao Cake Balls at the South Austin Trailer Park & Eatery.

Here I am near some cake balls. Use your imagination.

I just find this sign hilarious.

And, here are some other artists I thought were really cool but didn’t photograph because taking photos makes me feel like a jackass:

McCheek’s Ceramics

Krank Press

Gnome Enterprises

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