Friday, May 4, 2012

Hobby Lobbying

If you live in Dallas, you probably already know that Diorama-O-Rama is on like miniature Donkey Kong next Saturday, May 12th. Why am I telling you now? So you can preregister today (May 4th, LAST DAY) and make your diorama over the weekend. You’re welcome for the generous notice. Less of a giver, more of a taker? No big, just show up. It’s one of those everyone’s invited events. You know, the kind pleat-front khaki wearers live for.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The League of Funny Bitches

Well, I’ll be damned. Look how happy we are to be on the League of Funny Bitches Podcast with the lovely and fabulous Noa (that’s her pokin’ her cutie mug in) and Alicia (who’s face, fist and foot will make appearances) of your new favorite blog, Oh Noa. Watch us squirm! Hear us swear! Remember that horizontal stripes and the camera each add ten pounds!

Here’s that link again in case you’re as stupid as you look: League of Funny Bitches Podcast

And here’s the Field Day link, since I said the wrong effing url like a tool. FIELD DAY!!!

And here’s the Fart Party link, because hello, it’s a Fart Party.

 

 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Loose Bitches: Zip It

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least head to New York, Texas and kick some treetops.

Saturday, Krista and I headed to New York, Texas to handbrake our hearts out. Tragically, there is currently no zipline connecting Dallas to Austin so Sarah just had to stay in her cooler city and fillibuster. (It’s the capital, dummies.)The object of ziplining is to not stare directly into your male friends’ crotches. Alan made that an impossibility.The other object of ziplining is to not die. Krista had a Dayquil/Claritin/Nasonex/Other Medicines I Can’t Remember Right Now cocktail coursing through her body so she was kind of headed the wrong way. But that’s just a testament to how awesomely amazing ziplining is — you’ll risk hospitalization (and helmet hair) to do it. Seriously. It’s the coolest. And you know how we don’t like people ever? We found a handful of people we actually like. They work at NY/TX Ziplining and they give you freezer pops at the end of your zip sesh. And they don’t beat you for calling it a zip sesh. Yay?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Loose Bitches: Blogger Socialites

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least attend a Blogger Social with Dallas’ bevy of design blogging bitches.

The three of us strapped on our socializin’ faces and attended the Post Blogger Social at Nest, a thuper rad Dallas boutique in a double-fab new location in the Knox-Henderson design district. It was hosted by Hello, Splendor and Fabulous K, sponsored by Nest Interior Design and had absolutely nothing to do with this.

Wanna see what you can buy us for Christmas? Boy, do you EVER!

Skully chairs for our bony asses.

This wax head made Nikki regret her last-minute decision not to wear wax lips. (Down there.)

The sock monkey was court-ordered to wear pants after an unfortunate incident involving a playground, a Girl Scout troop and tub of off-brand petroleum jelly.

These little skis turn almost any chair into a rocking chair. Just like how Sarah’s little fists turn almost any face into hamburger meat.

Yipes, Stripes! Fruit stripe rug! (And great little retro chair, too.)

Are your eyeballs bleeding from jealousy yet? No? Then let’s keep on truckin’, shall we?

A moment on the lips is totally worth a lifetime on the hips, amiright, ladies? (Cuppycakes by Citizen Sweet)

Beautiful and poorly-photographed flowers by Bows and Arrows. Also by Bows and Arrows?…

Adorable boutineers on adorable boy-tineers. (Crisman and Adam, respectively, who probably hate being called “boy-tineers” since it makes no goddamn sense.)

And, finally, a chair that looks like a dildo version of The Noid. You’re welcome.

Ta da! This post was brought to you by the letters K, N, S and the number 666. Air kisses!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Deco-Rated R (For Rad)

Halloween just happens to be my favorite holiday. Last year, I was out of town and didn’t really get to enjoy it. So this year I went all out with a house-wide terrification. Photo evidence below.

My dining room was under siege by giant, prehistoric birds (courtesy of a Martha Stewart Living article from a few years back). You might also notice my googly-eyed ghost photos there on the wall.

And here’s my anatomical Jack O’ Lantern in action.

For the boys and ghouls, I made a little Nilbog milk (recipe here).

The rest of the house spent the evening in various forms of infestation. Spiders in the living room…

roaches in the bathroom…

sneaky roaches behind the bathroom mirror…

and rats on the fireplace.

My friend Kristen and I went as The Year 2000.

And my dog Billie went as a Hot Dog. My other dog, Thora, went as a Scared Dog Hiding in the Bathroom. At least she didn’t pee on the rug, which is more than I can say for old wiener, here. I guess someone didn’t like her costume after all.


Monday, October 18, 2010

Loose Bitches: Mission Apparition

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least to ditch our cohorts and buy some art-horts.

I’m pretty sure you guys are sick of me waxing Brazilian about Blake Wright and his general badassery, so I’ll leave you with one parting image before we move on…

…to the rad pants worn by one mister Erik Schuessler.

That picture was taken mere moments before Hammertime. Anyway, on Friday night, I gathered my gaggle of man friends and hit up Guerilla Arts for the joint Blake N’ Erik show, which is not what it was called.

Dudes, there were so many captions on the guys’ art that I should have gotten a damn Personal Pan Pizza after reading all that shit. Not that I’m complaining, of course. The boyfriend and I loved it all so much that we bought ourselves some hot-tubbin’ ghosties. I’m putting each piece’s caption underneath it so you can get the full wrecks in effect:

Ghosts love to go hot tubbing only parrots can see them, and they keep their distance.


Ghosts love large family portraits so much they tend to build theme parks around them.


Ghosts can only float so high, after a while they need help so they get ghost ladders, but this one was caught on the clock tower.


Ghosts are always very generous at birthday parties, however no one really sees ghost gifts so they feel unappreciated sometimes.

.

I was super impressed that Erik is so talented at photography that he can both travel back in time and also capture the supernatural on film. Those skills alone mean that his work is gonna skyrocket in price by, like, 4:30 this afternoon, so you should probably go to Guerilla Arts and buy it right now. Trust me: I’m the one who gave Martha Stewart all her advice on the stock market.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Loose Bitches: I Do…It All

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city, attend a wedding and not pose for pictures.

Our friends Lindsey and Noah decided to tie the knot with a bit of folksy flair. They’re 2 cute 4 words and so are their decorations — which they handmade all by their damn selves. Let’s hit the highlights.

Kissing Booth – Perfect for a quick smooch (or an oil check).

Wildflowers – Symbolism: Their love can’t be tamed.

Wish Tags – Write a wish (or a toot joke) for the happy couple.

Jumbo Balloons – Surprisingly fit in the backseat of a sedan.

Yellow and White Striped Curtain – Rumored to be Jon Bon Jovi’s favorite colors.

There was more, but my typers are tired so I’ll leave you with this – she (Lindsey) plus me (Nikki) are for hire. We’ll decorate our pants off for your next event. And we won’t even wear underthings. Website coming sooooon.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Loose Bitches: Fancy Meating You Here

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least stuff our faces with dead animal parts.


MEEEEEEAT FIIIIIIIIGHT!

Thus went the rallying cry at Meat Fight 2010. The Cheap Bastard end-of-summered our piggy faces off with a meat feast like nobody’s beeswax. Competitors from around the globe (that’s what I call the tri-neighborhood area) ponied (and pigged, and cowed) up their beefy wares, and the competition was impressive. Peep this brisket, ya’ll.

The winners took home some sweet “trophies,” aka “future family heirlooms.”

The commemorative cups were large enough to puke into after eating forty pounds of assorted beefstuffs.

Of course, I didn’t puke. I was in prime meat-gorging shape after doing driveway lunges for three-and-a-half hours pre-meat fest.

Nikki feared for my life, but I didn’t even break a sweat! And it’s is a fucking miracle, because I consumed enough barbeque sauce that it would have leaked right outta my pores. But so did everyone else, so instead of feeling disgusting, I just felt irrationally superior to everyone around me. But what the hell else is new?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Loose Bitches: The Badder Girl’s Guide to Portland

Portland. A city where designer organic cocktails and tiny horse abuse abound (see above photo of random street art in the Pearl art district). And my new favorite place ever. Last week, my family and I flew to Seattle to attend Cheese-a-topia, the Oscars of the American Cheese Society. Let’s just put a pin in that for now because after the cheese thing we drove to Forks, WA, home of Bella and Edward. Uh, put another pin in that because after Forks we went to Portland. We really only went there to drop my brother and sister-in-law off for their return flight, but we ended up spending the rest of the trip there. Why? Food, booze and really nice people.

There first must-taste stop is Voodoo Doughnuts. You may have seen their work on one of those Food Network shows. We waited in line for 30 minutes, and as a person who hates waiting more than she hates Communism, I promise you it is 100% worth it. I’m not saying it’s the absolute best doughnut I have ever eaten, but it is the most fun doughnut experience I’ve ever had. One of the doughnut chefs came out of the back door and asked us to sample his latest creation and we saw an employee pull down a ladder to crawl up into a crawl space. Apparently, that’s how they get to work in the tiny, over-crowded shop. If you’re not sold by the pink box, check out the doughnut carousel. Also, I didn’t get a photo, but they had entire plastic water buckets full of doughnuts for $7. Also part-two, their slogan is “The magic is in the hole,” which is obviously what she said … right before she gave you AIDs.

My other restaurant noms include Navarre, a fantastic and also tiny tapas bar with an ever-changing menu of hand-crafted deliciousness and Gruner, an updated German restaurant that will make you rethink the sausage (although they do make their own in-house) and kraut stereotype (see photo I stole from the internet of the fantastic spatzle I had below). I highly recommend trying the Liptauer cheese and take a look at their cocktail menu, which includes drinks made with unusual German-inspired goodies like plum brandy and elderflower syrup.

If you’re not in the mood to just stuff yourself the whole trip, your loss. But Portland has some other stuff to do. We walked to the Pearl district near downtown and toured the arty, antique-y type places. Be sure to stop by Cargo to steal their decor ideas, like this lamp shade made from vintage slides.

You can also drive to Mount St. Helens, just 70 or so miles to the North. It was pretty scenery, but I have to say I’ve cut wider swaths of destruction with my PMS tied behind my back. Maybe it doesn’t have the same impact when most of the crater is covered in clouds and you’re from a state in which the scenery is all desolate and treeless.

We also drove up to the Columbia River Gorge. On the way you can see all sorts of waterfalls.

And when you visit the dam, you can go to the basement to taunt the salmon trying to climb the fish ladder (a fish ladder is a water covered staircase that allows fish to climb over the damn). Then later you can eat them.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Loose Bitches: The Mural of the Story

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least avoid the 112 degree heat index in an air conditioned bike shop.

There are two factors that’ll make us break our own rules and stand in close proximity to a bunch of fixies: talented friends and Texas summers. Seriously, Dallas, what the fuck?

By the way, I’m taking volunteers to dust my dashboard. Which isn’t a euphemism, but probably should be.

Anyspray, Nikki an I strapped on our bitchfaces and headed to Transit Bike Company to make like an underwire pushup bra and support the tits out of Connor Hill and Matt Brinker, aka The Magnificent Beard. They do sweet-ass shit like this:

So what are the morals of the story? The Beard on the left (Connor) is more talented than you will ever be. The Beard on the right (Matt) is also more talented than you will ever be. And, finally, if you’re supporting your friends anywhere near The Gap,  Nikki will bully you into buying half price t-shirts that you don’t even want in the first place. Fact.

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