Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Loose Bitches: White Rocked

This weekend my mom and I went to check out the White Rock Local Market bi-monthly locals-only farmer’s market. I’m not one to dole out praise. Complimenting people gives me hives. But this market is awesome. It’s held the second and fourth Saturday of every month at the Green Spot on Buckner.

Since I hate anything that requires getting up early, putting on sunscreen, sweating profusely and operating a motor vehicle I figured I’d grab some organic tomatoes and get the eff out of there. But we ended up hanging around for an hour and sampling delicious baked goods from Village Baking Co., fresh lard-free tamales from The Tamale Company, organic produce from Farmer Jones, homemade jams from Rosey Ridge Farm, and some fantastic Viognier from Brennan Vineyards.  Plus I got the boys from the Texas Olive Ranch to pose for this sweet-ass photo after sipping a spicy olive oil they claimed was made with real rattlesnake. Whether that’s true or not, it was totally delicious.

In conclusion, forget whatever you had planned for the second Saturday in August and go get your socks White Rocked off. You’ll be glad you did because anyone who isn’t out there supporting our local businesses is going to have to answer to my fist. He has a PhD in physics so you know the questions will be real hard.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Loose Bitches: Austin’s Renegade Craft Fair


Every now and again, we are let loose from our cages to roam the countryside in search of craft fairs and greasy food.

Last weekend I braved a massive rainstorm and the flooded, decrepit highways of Dallas to make the 3.5 hour drive to Austin to a) bum free room and board from my beloved brother and sister-in-law, b) attend the first-ever Austin Renegade Craft Fair, and c) eat a bunch of pork and fried sugary sweets.

The craft fair was great. To start things off there was no entry fee. Yay! To continue the party, there were women without breast implants, blonde updos and Spanks. There were men who probably don’t wear Axe body spray (plus 2) but definitely do wear sandals (minus 1 for Hobbit feet). Still a net gain. The booths were great, and in spite of the massive crowd, no one was punched, stabbed or otherwise maimed.

Shirts from Campfire.


Posters from Two Rabbits Studios. I bought the wolf with socks, so don’t even think about copying me.

Presidential Pillows from a wahl designs

Me in the Magnolia photo booth with my brother and sister-in-law, who literally ducked out of this photo to avoid the embarrassment of an association with the literary atrocities of this blog.

We did a tour of the best of Austin’s oh-so-trendy trailer park eating and got some Holy Cacao Cake Balls at the South Austin Trailer Park & Eatery.

Here I am near some cake balls. Use your imagination.

I just find this sign hilarious.

And, here are some other artists I thought were really cool but didn’t photograph because taking photos makes me feel like a jackass:

McCheek’s Ceramics

Krank Press

Gnome Enterprises

Monday, December 14, 2009

Loose Bitches: On Beaver Street


On Saturday night, Nikki, Krista and I went to the Art Conspiracy auction / concert / party benefiting Resolana. The address said 511 Commerce, but the cross street was BEAVER.

Laugh. It’s still funny even if you’re not this many (FYI, I’m holding up six fingers here).


They had bands, which were good but made it too loud to talk. That is really unfortunate because pretty much every eligible single person in Dallas was there and no one could lay down any game. But, not all the eye candy was ass…




… Some of it was art, which was intermittently auctioned off live.



Unfortunately, when you get the three of us together we burn with the hotness of a thousand suns. Suns that look like Marylin Monroe, so the hotness is both literal and figurative. Anyways, we were burning their shit down, so we had to leave. But not before posing for this rare threesome photo. It’ll be famous someday, so cut it out and put it in your scrap book.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Loose Bitches: More Than a Handful

Occasionally we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city… or just peep some titties.

Last weekend I attended the Gifts and Garters burlesque show in Deep Ellum, because everybody likes boobs. It’s just a fact. Also, they had a great selection of gifts from local sellers, and an even better selection of booze – two things without which the holidays would be a total waste. No, I did not take pictures of the dancers. If you wanted some sweet jiggle action, you should have paid your $20 like the rest of us. Let’s just say it was a smorgasbord of tasteful smut.

For those of you who have yet to see your first set of boobies and have no idea what I’m talking about, the above is an artist’s rendering of the evening I made in Microsoft Paint… which may or may definitely be the worst artist’s rendering of all time.


While all the dancers were lovely and fantastic, my favorite performance came from the Jigglewatts (see above). Dressed in tinsel hula skirts and big red bows, they unwrapped their presents and lit more than a few Christmas trees, if you know what I mean. Hint: I mean they gave men boners. I just wanted to make it sound festive and crap.

I don’t do happy endings, so here is a photo of me and my friend Erin (of Haute Hardware) at the event, totally not naked. Once you stop crying, I’m sure you cheap bastards will find a bottle of store-brand Jergens out there with your name on it. Go get ‘em, Tigers.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Loose Bitches: Rain Rain Rain Fest

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or the bunch of hippies, hipsters and vegans otherwise known as Austin.


I spent the weekend at a Super 8 in Austin. Which is to say, I spent the weekend as close to camping as I plan to get so long as it isn’t the Zombie Apocalypse.

The tap water smelled like a hot Texas lake – exactly like fish vomit. And the pillows were so small they could barely contain the greasy, drooly stains.

Fun Fun Fun Fest was fun, but also rain, rain rainy. I saw some bands. I drank free beer, ate Frito Pie and used a portable toilet, for which I expect to win a Nobel Peace Prize. I saw a typical Texas bimbo in a strappy black dress and bedazzled sandals (lady, we’re at a park not Hooter’s) take a very unladylike tinkle in a bush but was too lazy to look away and/or yell, “I can see you.”


We got rained on all Sunday and then went back to the S-8 for the best pineapple/ham/bacon/jalapeno pizza I’ve ever eaten (the “Lu” from East Side Pies) and some $5 Zinfandel in a plastic S-8 glass.


On the way home, we stopped by some Austin can’t-misses.


Toy Joy contains 5000 things you really think you want but don’t need. Do you need a magic Jesus mug, a rubber unicorn with balls or an army of 1″ glow-in-the-dark zombies? No. But now you can’t stop thinking about them.


And the Spider House Cafe is a coffee shop/bar with the best name in the world. Plus, the guy who lives in the house next door walks around without his shirt on and since you can only see him from the waist up through the windows, you will believe he is naked. Spoiler: he’s wearing cargo shorts.



Finally, we stopped at Style Station, a fantastic vintage store just South of West, Texas on the I35 access road. It’s been reviewed in Lucky Magazine and is, indeed, worth the stop. Hell, it’s worth its own trip.


The store is stuffed to the gills with clothing (for both men and women), tons of vintage cowboy boots, purses, costume jewelry, jeans, pant suits, heels – you name it. This will be the highlight of your drive. Fuck those West kolaches.



And if the photos aren’t proof enough, even I was not immune to the Style Station’s charm and bought this ridiculously awesome wool cape with mink fringe. It’s completely impractical, but I love it and plan to wear it everywhere. I even took a fake fashion photo in it.


In conclusion, I’m too lazy to write a conclusion. So, the end.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Loose Bitches: Hallowieners

Sometimes, when ghouls and goblins roam the earth, we’re let out of our cages to sexually harass them until they go away.


So, last weekend Krista, Nikki and I braved the sea of drunk John and Kates to embarrass ourselves with our own ridiculous costumes, stay up too late and eat enough candy to give a small army acne.


On Friday, Krista and I pulled together a last-minute costume for our office Halloween party. In case you haven’t figured it out yet I’m a Tampax Pearl and Krista is “on the rag.” We competed in the costume contest and were robbed of the Best Costume award by a Slash lip-syncing in zebra stretch pants. Of course, since it occurred to neither of us that I shouldn’t be carrying around another human in 4″ heels, we fell on our asses and then reenacted it in the very convincing photo below.


Later that evening, I went to see the mysterious hair metal band, Blood on the Moors. Legend has it that each Halloween they play a single show before wrecking some shit, grabbing some ass and disappearing into the night. It was the most fun ever and you missed it.


On actual Halloween, Krista and Nikki went as Blossom and Six evoking painful memories of early 90s sitcoms and the eternally ill-conceived Hypercolor brand of clothing. I went as that asshole who shows up to drink your booze without bothering with a costume because they didn’t have time to make a cool costume and got really apathetic (not pictured).


In summary, no one was eaten by a zombie, cursed by a mummy or accidentally had sex with a dude dressed as Edward Cullen. So, all and all, it was a better than average night.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Loose Bitches: Puerto Rico

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or even another country (sort of).

I recently took a trip to Puerto Rico for the best wedding ever (congrats Rod and Erin). Now that Neutrogena makes SPF Vampire, it’s safe for fair-skinned, classical beauties such as myself to make an occasional, if rare, daylight appearance. I expected to find extra-crispy douche bags and Mai Tais. But instead, I found Old San Juan – a haven of cobblestone streets and Spanish Colonial buildings that looks like something straight out of a 1940s romance. Here some pictures I took specifically for the purpose of making you suckers miserably jealous.


Is it working?

Monday, October 12, 2009

Loose Bitches: Make It or Break It

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least go to Make’s Urban Street Bazaar in the Bishop Arts District.

Even though Weekend Jesus was in a grumpy weather mood and made it cold outside, Nikki, Alan, Clint and I hit the B.A.D. for some craftastical adventures. The trip was flanked by some tacky ass limos, which is usually the sign of a successful day.

Another sign of a successful day? Spotting elusive Golden Hootchie Booties out in the daytime. Usually this species is only spotted after dark, so it was a rare sighting indeed.

The event was fraught with terrifying mannequins – some more willing to perform blow jobs than others – though Nikki braved approaching one to try on a fancy-pants headband from SweetHead. (Huh. That mannequin makes more sense now.)

Alan hand-modeled some really darling satchels from Disco Dali (he wanted to put his pubes in them), and I became acquainted with Burt Reynolds’ mustache. We even ran into our friends Chad and Jenny because we’re extremely popular.

A few purchases were made, a few puppies were fawned over, a few cheesesticks were consumed, and my bladder capacity was questioned. Not so shabby for a gloom-and-doom Saturday.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Loose Bitches: Two Guys, A Girl and Some Prescription Lenses

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least go to a Dolly Python Party.


This past weekend Krista and Sarah abandoned me and left me to explore the wilds of Haskell Avenue all on my own. But not really because I dragged Patrick and Joe along and they kind of rule. What did we do? Shopped ’til we dropped. Duh. We also tried on really thick glasses that made our eyes huge. And our friend Amy gave me a jumbo Miss Piggy Paper Doll and Patrick got jealous and called me a leech. Pinky Diablo was there, too, with lipstick kisses and everything and so were paintings of velvet naked ladies!! If you live in Dallas, go to Dolly Python now. And if you don’t live in Dallas, bummerfarts for you.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Loose Bitches: It’s A Purrrrty

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least go to a party for Kitty Wigs.


This weekend, Nikki, James and I awesomed it up at the book signing party for Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs, held at a super cute salon called Shampoo.

We posed for pictures like our lives depended on it (And they do. Much like sharks who die if they stop swimming, we perish if our vanity isn’t indulged). We purchased $3 drawings from a future celebrity artist. We ogled James as he perused the wares.

There were giant cats, tiny wigs, giant wigs, and tiny cats. There were cupcakes and bubbles and Catatonic Vodka Punch. It was as fabulous as the very idea of be-wigging your pets, and, babies, it don’t get much more fabulous than that.

Pictures that don’t suck courtesy of Milton Adams.
Pictures that do suck courtesy of the fact that I suck.

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