Dudes, this bear rug is only $1800, which is quite a steal considering how rare Pink Tapestry Bears are in the wild. Fun fact: 96% of all Pink Tapestry Bears are gay. The other 4% just pretended to be bisexual in college.

There’s nothing more appetizing than a ghost baboon staring into your soul with haunted dead eyes from underneath a layer of deviled eggs, is there? No, I’m really asking because every time I see one my stomach starts growling. Now please excuse me while I go snap into a Slim Jim.

If someone’s going to eat my brains, it might as well be these gals. Now if I someone’s going to eat my other parts, I’d skew more Charlie Sheen. Just kidding, I don’t want it beat up. Or coked up.

via Rareica

You should buy this Bearded Clam catnip toy because it’s much less painful than filling your actual vagina with catnip and letting your cat gnaw on it. Just ask Nikki when she gets out of the ICU.

This doll reminds me of the time in high school when my friend Kelly taped pubes to my friend Merrick’s Cabbage Patch doll. Of course, it also reminds me of a joke Strawberry Extreme, Dallas’s #1 Prop Comic, wrote — What do you call a self-indulgent conductor? A maestorbater. Hey, I never said my thoughts were congruent. Turtles.

Being a serial killer can get hectic. There are secret chambers to sound proof, ligatures to organize and lifeless bodies to masturbate on. But every once in a while it’s nice to carve a moment out of your busy GTL (gore, torture, laundry) schedule for a little party time. Maybe grab one of these paper mache sculptures by Andy Ainger and turn it into a pinata. Call up your serial killer buddies. You can reminisce about your cold, distant fathers over a few brewskies before beheading this bad boy with your favorite scimitar. Just be sure you don’t fill it with that crap generic candy because things could get really, really ugly.

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least avoid the 112 degree heat index in an air conditioned bike shop.

There are two factors that’ll make us break our own rules and stand in close proximity to a bunch of fixies: talented friends and Texas summers. Seriously, Dallas, what the fuck?

By the way, I’m taking volunteers to dust my dashboard. Which isn’t a euphemism, but probably should be.

Anyspray, Nikki an I strapped on our bitchfaces and headed to Transit Bike Company to make like an underwire pushup bra and support the tits out of Connor Hill and Matt Brinker, aka The Magnificent Beard. They do sweet-ass shit like this:

So what are the morals of the story? The Beard on the left (Connor) is more talented than you will ever be. The Beard on the right (Matt) is also more talented than you will ever be. And, finally, if you’re supporting your friends anywhere near The Gap,  Nikki will bully you into buying half price t-shirts that you don’t even want in the first place. Fact.

Weeeee. These stickers make all the stupid crap in your house super fun. Let’s just say it’s going to be pretty hard to potty train your kids after they lift the toilet lid to confront a sharp toothed monster mouth. But your wee one’s bed wetting will be the least of your problems in the boudoir when your lover lifts up the covers to find the bug-eye-forced-grin face on your pee parts. When he / she ask you what that is, just tell them “AIDs.”

Be sure to check out all of the awesome user photos on the Think Geek site.

Sometimes when you talk, my eyes glaze over. It’s not that I’m not listening. It’s just that I’m fantasizing about how to kill you. And on the off-chance I decide a dray of man-eating squirrels is the most efficient and eloquent method, I know just who to have commemorate the moment: Scott A. A. Bibus, Rogue Taxidermist. If you like to keep the contents of your stomach in your stomach, you may want to skip his Dead Animal Art site. But if you prefer to keep your used lunch on your keyboard, have at it.

This is going right next to my horse show ribbons and my Odyssey of the Mind honorable mention.

Even though Shark Week will only ever mean bloody, crampy periods to me, I still appreciate Etsy doing a Shark Week showcase. Especially since it includes this Shark Cootchie. I mean Koozie. Eh, potato, po-tah-to, tomato, vagina.