Even
though Shark Week will only ever mean bloody, crampy periods to me, I still appreciate Etsy doing a Shark Week showcase. Especially since it includes this Shark Cootchie. I mean Koozie. Eh, potato, po-tah-to, tomato, vagina.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Go Back to the Diet Coke
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Kitty Catty
The most offensive thing about this sofa is that it’s made of crushed velvet. Seriously, assholes, the 90s are over.
Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout
Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout
would not take the dog hair out.
She’d scour the graveyards for brains for her jams.
And hit the free clinic for more dental dams.
And though her pimp would scream and shout
She simply would not take the dog hair out.
And so the dog hair piled up to the ceilings.
And, as it did, grew consciousness and feelings.
It grew eyeballs and ears and even a heart
and a nose it regretted when the pimp ripped a fart.
Dog hair covered the floors and it covered the walls.
And grew hands to scratch its big hairy balls.
And one day when Sarah came home from the store
It hairy tongue kissed her and she wanted more.
And so they were married in the little town square
And nine months later she gave birth to some hair.
Gross.
So remember the tale of Sarah Stout
And always, always take your dog hair out.
See more of Todd Baxter’s fantastical photos here.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Beiber (Scarlet) Fever
This metal band poster is awesome because the artist screenprinted it with human blood. It’s such a hit that he’s been commissioned to screenprint Justin Beiber’s tour posters using virgin tears and pubescent vaginal discharge that’s perfectly normal, sweetie, and nothing to be concerned about.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Lil’ Fuckers: Keeping an Eye on You
Remember when your mom told you she was keeping an eye on you? Apparently that was no idle threat. I hope this monster stroller comes with 30 years of therapy and a clean change of underpants.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Taste the Rainbow
I was a little disturbed when my first thought about these Pop Baby Lamps was, “I wanna eat those babies.” But not as disturbed as the time I got a job as a maternity nurse and my first thought was, “I wanna eat those babies.” I’m not kidding, guys, they looked fucking delicious.
via Stephanie “Sorry I Ruined Your Life” Fisher
Monday, July 26, 2010
Buzz Romance
This red-dye infused figure was suspended in a glass box and then swarmed by 40,000 bees who built a wax honeycomb over it. I can’t decide if it reminds me more of the Bodies Exhibit or something that Lady Gaga would wear to, like, a Bar Mitzvah. Probably the latter. Everyone knows honey is kosher, but you’re totally not allowed to bring food into the Bodies Exhibit.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Lil’ Fuckers: Flip Off the Old Block
Teach your bastard spawn that life isn’t all apples, rainbows and xylophones with these XYZ blocks from Fred & Friends. If, like me, you’re lucky enough to grow up in a scene from Pulp Fiction, the real world is graffiti, Afros and kick-ass karate. But if you’re unfortunate enough to grow up in Wal-Mart or Kentucky, it’s dentures, werewolves and sunburns. Which is a horrible combination, because werewolves who wear dentures can’t bite you to death, so they just chase you down and flick you really hard on your sunburn. What? That shit hurts.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Udderly Fantastic
I think a beer-udder coffee table would look pretty sweet in my living room. The only problem is I think it might attract frat boys to nurse at its delicious, full bodied, more-taste less-filling teats. My frat boy swatting broom is in the shop after someone told me I was an evil witch and I tried to jump off the roof with it and fly to the local Kroger. I was out of milk for my evil tea.
See more art from Zipora Fried here.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Worry Wart
Normal Guatemalan Worry People Dolls are “eh” and “shrug.” But these worry dolls come with a free spell casting. FREE SPELL CASTING!?! That’s so “whee” and “pee leaks.” I can’t wait to watch your groin catch fire and your boobs deflate!!











