Even though Shark Week will only ever mean bloody, crampy periods to me, I still appreciate Etsy doing a Shark Week showcase. Especially since it includes this Shark Cootchie. I mean Koozie. Eh, potato, po-tah-to, tomato, vagina.

The most offensive thing about this sofa is that it’s made of crushed velvet. Seriously, assholes, the 90s are over.

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout

would not take the dog hair out.

She’d scour the graveyards for brains for her jams.

And hit the free clinic for more dental dams.

And though her pimp would scream and shout

She simply would not take the dog hair out.

And so the dog hair piled up to the ceilings.

And, as it did, grew consciousness and feelings.

It grew eyeballs and ears and even a heart

and a nose it regretted when the pimp ripped a fart.

Dog hair covered the floors and it covered the walls.

And grew hands to scratch its big hairy balls.

And one day when Sarah came home from the store

It hairy tongue kissed her and she wanted more.

And so they were married in the little town square

And nine months later she gave birth to some hair.

Gross.

So remember the tale of Sarah Stout

And always, always take your dog hair out.

See more of Todd Baxter’s fantastical photos here.

This metal band poster is awesome because the artist screenprinted it with human blood. It’s such a hit that he’s been commissioned to screenprint Justin Beiber’s tour posters using virgin tears and pubescent vaginal discharge that’s perfectly normal, sweetie, and nothing to be concerned about.

Remember when your mom told you she was keeping an eye on you? Apparently that was no idle threat. I hope this monster stroller comes with 30 years of therapy and a clean change of underpants.

I was a little disturbed when my first thought about these Pop Baby Lamps was, “I wanna eat those babies.” But not as disturbed as the time I got a job as a maternity nurse and my first thought was, “I wanna eat those babies.” I’m not kidding, guys, they looked fucking delicious.

via Stephanie “Sorry I Ruined Your Life” Fisher

This red-dye infused figure was suspended in a glass box and then swarmed by 40,000 bees who built a wax honeycomb over it. I can’t decide if it reminds me more of the Bodies Exhibit or something that Lady Gaga would wear to, like, a Bar Mitzvah. Probably the latter. Everyone knows honey is kosher, but you’re totally not allowed to bring food into the Bodies Exhibit.

Teach your bastard spawn that life isn’t all apples, rainbows and xylophones with these XYZ blocks from Fred & Friends. If, like me, you’re lucky enough to grow up in a scene from Pulp Fiction, the real world is graffiti, Afros and kick-ass karate. But if you’re unfortunate enough to grow up in Wal-Mart or Kentucky, it’s dentures, werewolves and sunburns. Which is a horrible combination, because werewolves who wear dentures can’t bite you to death, so they just chase you down and flick you really hard on your sunburn. What? That shit hurts.

I think a beer-udder coffee table would look pretty sweet in my living room. The only problem is I think it might attract frat boys to nurse at its delicious, full bodied, more-taste less-filling teats. My frat boy swatting broom is in the shop after someone told me I was an evil witch and I tried to jump off the roof with it and fly to the local Kroger. I was out of milk for my evil tea.

See more art from Zipora Fried here.

Normal Guatemalan Worry People Dolls are “eh” and “shrug.” But these worry dolls come with a free spell casting. FREE SPELL CASTING!?! That’s so “whee” and “pee leaks.” I can’t wait to watch your groin catch fire and your boobs deflate!!