This is a portrait of me in Junior High. I went through a really attractive “frighteningly underweight while wearing a patchwork vest” phase. And, yes, I know what you’re thinking. Everyone did wanna hit it.

Move over, undercover Vampire who gets you pregnant during a Frat House date rape. Step aside, skeleton named Butterfingers hiding in your closet while wearing a fedora. Nothin’ to see here, High School shop teacher with a hook for a hand who you’d always catch licking his lips while looking down your shirt… something new is populating your nightmares tonight. And from the looks of this probably-murderous rock’s pervy grin, he’s really looking forward to the part where you find yourself locked out of your house without any pants.

via Alan “and then I woke up” McCoy

These are basically Kettlebells with scary faces carved in them, but they’re called Demonbells. Debutantes, I know what you’re thinking and no, this is not a new nickname for ‘dem tit-tays.

via Incredible Things

If Pride and Prejudice can “and” Zombies, what’s to stop Dick and Jane from getting some sweet, sweet vampire action? Common decency and Midwest values: that’s what. And since I have neither, I strongly encourage you to buy a copy for your little tikes. I think the moral of the story is actually a teachable moment. “Eat a snack now and then. Hell, jump out from behind a hill and scare it first if you’d like. But be sure to get a few lunges in while you do.” Shit, that’s wise.

I realized today what makes airline seats so annoying. It’s not the narrow butt clearance, the jimmy-rigged tray latch or dearth of legroom. It’s the headrest, which insistently presses your head forward like a 17-year-old getting a blow job. Yeah, someone invented a solution for this about 1000 years ago, but now that solution comes in Pierre, Dolphin Dan and Zombie Cat ($35 each). For my next post, I’ll be reinventing the wheel in needlefelt and discovering knitted fire.

I’ve spent my entire Friday intermittently napping in my cube and taking my shoes off to see if I can smell them from under my desk. Yet I couldn’t muster the mental energy to write a decent post about the art of Alex Pardee. True story. I did, however, dream that I invented a device that allows you to fart in your own face. So, I’m just going to coast on that for awhile.

Via  Super Punch.

This is the lazy man’s version of the Q-tip skeleton craft. People with real dedication insist on the natural look of a decaying skeleton, easily achieved by using all the Q-tips first. Jab really deep to get the good, hard brown stuff. If you jab too hard and it comes out all red, it’s cool. Everyone knows skeletons are period-laden Commies.

I can’t think of an occasion for which the pop-up toilet monster is not an ideal gift. Graduations, weddings, campaign victory parties – I’m installing one at a wake as we speak.

Little known fact: In Children of the Corn, the corn refers to what the children were fed before being sent to slaughter and turned into Ham and Egg McMuffins. I wrote about it on an imdb message board, and I’m pretty sure that makes it true.

This heat-activated, clothes-ditching mug “will take skirt off when you give her hot water or coffee.” So that you can “Taste delicious coffee with a beautiful girl.” Great. Congratulations on both your creative grammar and making the morning fap that much more potentially scalding, but I think we’re burying the lede here.

What the fuck is this and how can we thwart its plans for world domination?

Via Incredible Things.