Friday, October 19, 2012

The U. of Eye

There’s a fine line between creative genius and homicidal psychosis, and that line is BFA diploma viewed from the side while it’s laying on a table. There’s also a fine line between blogging and being investigated by the FBI, and that line is a Google search bar that’s constantly populated by the words “Ed Gein human skin lamp.”

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wake Up and Smell the Catastrophe

Nothing says ambiance like a nod to crushed, burning corpses. Now if only the manufacturer had the foresight to make these candles scented…

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Blighter Shade of Pale

I can’t decide if these make me want to decorate for Halloween (time-consuming!) or just go the easy route and get pregnant with “accident-prone” Albino quadruplets.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Penis Envy

Here it is, the world’s smallest working gun. Officially upsetting part of the record your penis has held for the past 30 years. I’m implying your penis is small and doesn’t work. Double whammy.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Ding Dong Bitch

The only thing worse than my phone ringing is an actual human at my door. So, yeah, let’s add annoyance to injury with a mega-tool-tastic piano doorbell. Jam your Chopsticks or Heart and Soul or whatever other song you learned at Church Camp, then pray to your god that I’m in the mood to kill you quickly.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

It’s For You

I’m a sucker for mailing things. Letters, gifts, dead rats. You name it, I’ll mail it. And now thanks to oh joy!, your blood-soaked envelope will have a pretty design on it, too.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Beef Jerky

Meat balloons: the ideal decoration for any lucky serial killer’s birthday party! Who should we celebrate… John Wayne Tasty? Buffalo Burger Bill? Albert Fish Fry? Robert Finger-Lickin’ Pickton? The Son of Ham?

Hey, don’t blame me. No one’s making you read this crap.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I’m Declaring a Mustachitorium

Hello, internet, Urban Outfitters customers and world at large, I’m pleased to introduce today’s guest blogger: the reanimated corpse of Joan Crawford. Take it away, Joan!

No… more… mustaches. What are mustaches doing on my internet when I told you: no more mustaches EVER? I blog and blog ’till I’m half-dead, and I hear people saying, “She’s getting bitter.” And what do I get? Our fucking readers… who care as much about the filthy posts we give them as they care about me. ANSWER ME! I give you disturbing drygoods, and you treat them like they’re not worthy of hipsters. Mustaches, why? Why? READERS, GET OFF OF THIS BLOG. You read the most offensive blog in cyberspace and you don’t care if your posts are tainted by more mustaches! And YOUR blog looks like some two-dollar-an-ad templated layout on some two-bit hosting service like NO MORE MUSTACHES EVER!!!


Man, what a C U Next Tuesday! Well, let’s all listen to her, shall we? The old broad just might be on to something.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Oh goodie. Now I can add “formal bitchface” to the list of languages I know.

via the Whoa!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I’ll Meat You For Dinner

Well hellooo, brass kunckle meat pounder. Just to clarify: people count as meat, right? Even before they’re dead?





Via Pablo “Pow, Right in the Kisser!” Ampuero

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