These ear guards may keep the crabs bed bugs at bay, but they won’t block out your neighbor’s vapid laughter as she smokes a doobie (yes, I say doobie) under your bedroom window with some schmo at 12:30 AM on Tuesday morning. I opened the window and suggested she take it inside. She said, “But I can’t smoke inside.” I said, “Well, I can’t shoot my rifle inside and yet I’ve refrained from coming out there and shooting you in the face.” Then I kicked back and waited for the po-po. I sleep like a baby in a holding cell.

I didn’t think it possible, but there is something out there stupider than a vague, sweeping internet censorship bill written by a bunch of computer-illiterate old blowhards who, as we speak, are probably on the phone with one of their grandkids trying to figure out how to “make the sex tweets” at their intern. Wondering if this dog rack dog humiliation device is even real? Me, too. But we’ll have to wait until tomorrow because the Fairdale site is closed to protest SOPA.

I think this Black+Blum Heavyweight Aluminum Tape Dispenser is so pretty. I’m already sad that mine will soon be covered in skull fragments and bloody hair clumps…

Can’t decided what to make for dinner? Don’t commit suicide. There’s another solution: Dinner Dice. Just roll to compose a unique meal. Wait a minute. I don’t see leftover pizza or box of Cheez-Its in here. Just kidding. I’m an amazing cook. I’m practically Martha Stewart. And after I consume her heart, I actually will be. Serial killer stuff. You wouldn’t understand.

“Voted toaster most likely to result in a felony.” – The Where’s My Fucking Coffee Times

“Toaster to the face is a surprisingly effective treatment for adult onset acne.” – Zit-Girl Magazine

“It’s not torture. It’s breakfast.” – The C.I.A.

 The See Saw Table

 Voted “Romantic Table for Two Most Likely to Result in a Murder / Suicide” – Tables Digest

“Perfect for couples teetering on the edge.” – Table Fancy

“The ideal place to split a meal and his scrotum.” - Nard Puncher Daily

I know you boys like to fantasize that girls go home every night, put on our negliges and throw a pillow fight. What your fantasy neglected to tell you is that pillow fight is to the pain. Tee hee.

I like art with a message and the message for this is, “One false move and I’ll shoot you in the dick.” Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t want it…everyone loves a double pee hole.

via Clint “Extended Vacay” Martin

Well, my kittens happen to be filled with hypodermic needles, and those needles happen to be filled with tiny guns, and those guns happen to be filled with Anthrax, so… yeah. This shit’s gettin’ adorably murdery.

I don’t waste time making knives when I could be making enemies. Enemies who are, coincidentally, a really convenient place to store my knives.