iPhone Case Instructions:

Step 1: place fingers through rings.

Step 2: make a fist.

Step 3: turn fist towards face.

Step 4: punch.

Step 5: repeat.

That headline has nothing to do with this post. It was the title for another post I was writing that ended up being not even a little bit funny. So. That brings us to today’s topic: how fucking annoying it is to have a blog. You have to post shit, like, ALL the time. I search for pictures when I could be rereading my book about child murderers*. I write swear words when I could be writing love letters to inmates (in which swear words are not allowed). And all for you ungrateful assholes who never even send me gold star temporary tattoos or gift wrapped boxes of limited edition Halloween Double Stuf Oreos. So, here. Here’s a fucking pencil. I hope you sharpen it and stab it in your eye.

*Children who murder, not adults who murder children. What kind of sicko do you think I am?

Some days you just need to chop vegetables on a hatchet-shaped cutting board. Other days you just need to chop human necks with an actual hatchet. And there’s days when a simple 9 mm will do…

Little known fact: In Children of the Corn, the corn refers to what the children were fed before being sent to slaughter and turned into Ham and Egg McMuffins. I wrote about it on an imdb message board, and I’m pretty sure that makes it true.

Ask a stupid question…get murdered. Sure, it’s extreme. But this is Texas. I’m using a live snake as a belt and, this morning, I put my vitamins inside live bees and then swallowed them. I only used bees because we were out of antimatter.

I forgot how tired I am of writing jokes about murdering your face off. But talk about foresight, I turned your blanched skull into a chalkboard so that I could write myself a note of reminder. Wait till you see the boner I drew on your occipital bone.

I’ve never seen a more appropriate pencil case for a High School girl to hide her tampons in.

You’d think the world’s cutest assault rifle would shoot  pink daisy tutu splooge. Two shovels, one terrible secret and a shallow grave later, you’d know how wrong you were.

Via Pinterest. Sort of.

I have a sneaking suspicion that we’ve posted this print of a squirrel carcass before, but I also have a sneaking suspicion that the day we posted it wasn’t the only day you’ve ever consumed food. So, basically, if there’s a chance to make you barf up your Toaster Strudel, I’m jumping on it.

That would be strawberry Toaster Strudel, of course. Warm and gooey with strawberry chunks and a shiny, slightly creamy glaze on top. Can’t you just taste it?

Don’t just think of them as iPhone App art. Think of them as the reason the jury will buy “self defense” as a reason to acquit.