Tuesday, May 8, 2012

How To You Doo?

The only problem with this Paper VooDoo notepad is it only comes with 60 sheets…and there are currently 7 billion people on Earth. To which a 90s Female Comic would say, “7 billion people on Earth?!? And I can’t find a date?!? *Taps boobs.* Hello, are these things on?”

Monday, May 7, 2012

Pinking Sneers

Slicey the Pig is an abomination to animalkind. Has the designer no decency? No respect for Mother Nature and her infinite miracles? Slicey is little more than a flagrant slap in the snout to swine across the globe. I’ll say it one time and one time only: it’s completely irrational – nay, unnatural – for a pig to have moose knuckle.

 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cloud Nein

If you beat your disobedient children with cloud-shaped wire hangers, it’s completely within the law to call their tears, “The Gentle Rain of Submission.”

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Game Set Smash

I’m not much for summer. It’s just 120 days of humidity,¬†excruciating¬†heat and bikini related soul-flagellation. But this year I have something to look forward to (other than True Blood). It’s the Amazing Bug Zapper. It uses a battery-powered electrified mesh to destroy bugs in midair. Now I’m off to find out whether or not it works on squirrels.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Summer Gun, Blasting Away

Assassinate your thirst with the Beer Blaster – the only way to literally shotgun a beer into your face, which is probably only slightly more fun that dipping your vagina into an ant mound. Continuing on the theme of classy fucking summer parties, I thought I’d throw this out there. Not sure if it’s real, but if it is there are going to be some seriously tipsy zombies come the zombie apocalypse.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Armed and Drowsy

I thought this was an under-the-bed freezer and I was like, “Yes, easy access to my Klondike Bars at last.” But it’s actually an under-the-bed gun locker with a 105 gun capacity. I can think of at least five scenarios which require 105 guns in the bedroom. Weirdly enough they all end with you getting your penis shot off.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Okay, and Skrillex

When I play Draw Something, I only draw one thing: blood.

 

 

 

 

 

brass knuckles iPhone case via Cowcat Daily News

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Good Way to Pie

Plate Roulette: it’s a lot like vagina roulette, but legal in 49 states (Vermont, you non-conformist MFer) and requiring way fewer contortionists. The amount of pizza required is, interestingly enough, exactly the same.

The League of Funny Bitches

Well, I’ll be damned. Look how happy we are to be on the League of Funny Bitches Podcast with the lovely and fabulous Noa (that’s her pokin’ her cutie mug in) and Alicia (who’s face, fist and foot will make appearances) of your new favorite blog, Oh Noa. Watch us squirm! Hear us swear! Remember that horizontal stripes and the camera each add ten pounds!

Here’s that link again in case you’re as stupid as you look: League of Funny Bitches Podcast

And here’s the Field Day link, since I said the wrong effing url like a tool. FIELD DAY!!!

And here’s the Fart Party link, because hello, it’s a Fart Party.

 

 

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Early Bird Gets the Worm and Dismembers and Buries Him in a Shallow Grave

Breakfast: an important part of any well-balanced murder. Below, the FDA’s homicide pyramid for your reference. And if you’re wondering what happened to the usual breakfast-touting cartoon character you’d find hanging around any given box of Toasty-Os, let’s just say I “murdered” him.

breakfast

eye-contact & strangling

bullets to groin and other non-essential bits

shallow knife stabbings spaced out over days, weeks or months.

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