“Voted toaster most likely to result in a felony.” – The Where’s My Fucking Coffee Times

“Toaster to the face is a surprisingly effective treatment for adult onset acne.” – Zit-Girl Magazine

“It’s not torture. It’s breakfast.” – The C.I.A.

 The See Saw Table

 Voted “Romantic Table for Two Most Likely to Result in a Murder / Suicide” – Tables Digest

“Perfect for couples teetering on the edge.” – Table Fancy

“The ideal place to split a meal and his scrotum.” - Nard Puncher Daily

I know you boys like to fantasize that girls go home every night, put on our negliges and throw a pillow fight. What your fantasy neglected to tell you is that pillow fight is to the pain. Tee hee.

I like art with a message and the message for this is, “One false move and I’ll shoot you in the dick.” Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t want it…everyone loves a double pee hole.

via Clint “Extended Vacay” Martin

Well, my kittens happen to be filled with hypodermic needles, and those needles happen to be filled with tiny guns, and those guns happen to be filled with Anthrax, so… yeah. This shit’s gettin’ adorably murdery.

I don’t waste time making knives when I could be making enemies. Enemies who are, coincidentally, a really convenient place to store my knives.

iPhone Case Instructions:

Step 1: place fingers through rings.

Step 2: make a fist.

Step 3: turn fist towards face.

Step 4: punch.

Step 5: repeat.

That headline has nothing to do with this post. It was the title for another post I was writing that ended up being not even a little bit funny. So. That brings us to today’s topic: how fucking annoying it is to have a blog. You have to post shit, like, ALL the time. I search for pictures when I could be rereading my book about child murderers*. I write swear words when I could be writing love letters to inmates (in which swear words are not allowed). And all for you ungrateful assholes who never even send me gold star temporary tattoos or gift wrapped boxes of limited edition Halloween Double Stuf Oreos. So, here. Here’s a fucking pencil. I hope you sharpen it and stab it in your eye.

*Children who murder, not adults who murder children. What kind of sicko do you think I am?

Some days you just need to chop vegetables on a hatchet-shaped cutting board. Other days you just need to chop human necks with an actual hatchet. And there’s days when a simple 9 mm will do…

Little known fact: In Children of the Corn, the corn refers to what the children were fed before being sent to slaughter and turned into Ham and Egg McMuffins. I wrote about it on an imdb message board, and I’m pretty sure that makes it true.