“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll suplex your pussy.”

Throwdown Bed, $999

If someone’s going to eat my brains, it might as well be these gals. Now if I someone’s going to eat my other parts, I’d skew more Charlie Sheen. Just kidding, I don’t want it beat up. Or coked up.

via Rareica

If I wanted an internet meme stitched on a pillow, I’d skip the double rainbow and demand Antoine Dodson. The rainbows are nice and all, but are they gonna protect you while they’re rapin’ errbody out here? I don’t think so. With Antoine under your noggin and your kids, wife and husband securely hidden in the panic room or corpse hatch, you’re free to sleep peacefully. Didn’t you ever wonder why “dream” rhymes with “meme?” Yeah…maybe you should have.

Here’s the deal, I need 39 of you boneheads to chip in $10 so we can all timeshare this typewriter. Dibs on from now until eternity.

Here’s a tiny filing cabinet for your most professional farts.

A place to store your shoes that looks like feet. Guess what? I already have two. Three, actually, if you count my five-toed vaginal nub.

Maybe, maybe, maybe you need to write something down while you’re in the shower. Maybe, maybe, maybe it’s a reminder to stop being the asshole that writes notes in the shower.

Does the name Kristy Thomas ring a bell? Yeah, I’m talking about the fucking PRESIDENT of the Babysitter’s Club. Remember in Kristy and the Snobs when she moved into the richie-rich neighborhood and met that cunt Shannon Kilbourne walking Astrid of Grenville, her gazillion dollar purebred Burnese Mountain Dog? You just know that Kilbourne bitch grew up to loooove Anthropologie, and I’d bet money she bought this Bernese Mountain Dog dishtowel for her maid to use in the kitchen while she’s in the pool house porking her Italian neighbor behind her husband Logan’s back.

Duh, of course she stole Logan from MaryAnn. Fucking mousy loser never deserved that hot piece of man meat in the first place. Not without some contacts, a boob job and a a crotchless panties allowance.

This is carpet for people that have nothing better to do than sit around and piece shit together. I, on the other hand, have farts to sniff.

You could pay $11.60 for pencils wrapped in paper or you could just set your wallet on fire. Long story short, this pen ain’t mightier than shit. And yes, that’s a piggy back on a previous post not written by me. I’ll borrow your interest anytime. Wink.