It’s a good thing this isn’t life size or, you know, you’d need a microscope to see yours. Oh wait, this isn’t a dick…

Well, you know what they say… liquor in the front, beaker in the rear.

Hey, you got nerd on my beach! Hey, you got beach on my nerd! Two great tastes that go great together until the shirts come off and the reflected light burns right through your retinas.

Via BuzzFeed’s List of 27 beach towels you’ll want to show off.

Shockingly, these chairs do not come with complimentary cat and Doctor Claw glove. That wasn’t funny. Hey, cut me some slack. What about this … Go-go Gadget Jokes! *Accidentally punches self in the face with Gadget Fist.”  I should have gone with Danger Mouse humor.

Who’s ready for this daughter of a Chemist to shame my whole family? Here goes!

You should sit on Mercury, cuz your ass is crazy!

Can your friends sit here? No, they Argon!

When I eat my meals, this is where Iodine!

1…2…3…DISOWNED!!!

Let me translate this poster for the stupid people: “Fuck off!” Of course, this is substantially less applicable since the invention of the Tropic of Cancer fleshlight.

And since it’s almost the Fourth of July: Ronald Reagan riding a velociraptor. America!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! And when life gives you a lemon-powered clock, make a call to the patent office and ask them why they’re wasting everyone’s time on this shit when there are diamond kittens to be invented.

via Bobby Finger, whose last name wants to make out with my last name.

Can you ear me now? Oh, you can? Well good day, kind sir. I daresay you’re a bag of weiners.

If you design a giant robot wine rack, let’s just say it probably only needs to hold the box kind. *Cough* Classless.

No, I’m not going to make a dumb, obvious “poke” joke. Especially since this is a wedding invitation, and pre-marital poking is terribly un-Christian. Gettin’ frisky probably just meant he winkled her voss while she zucked his berg.