“Create music at the urinal with Guitar Pee.” Pardon me, invention, but I believe men have been doing this for years. They’re called farts.

Iron Man, otherwise known as Tony Starch.

This Toast Mattress is perfect for you, Butter Face. In case you were wondering, it helps you dream up insults from the 90s.

The great thing about this pixelated fire is that it will be conveniently located in the fireplace when I burn it to the ground. I’m all for gratuitousness. So long as said gratuitousness involves violence and nudity. I love you, Game of Thrones.

The only problem with this Paper VooDoo notepad is it only comes with 60 sheets…and there are currently 7 billion people on Earth. To which a 90s Female Comic would say, “7 billion people on Earth?!? And I can’t find a date?!? *Taps boobs.* Hello, are these things on?”

You know that saying, “You eat with your eyes first”? Yeah, that’s almost as stupid as these fucking Chopsticks Glasses. Don’t bother wearing them to your local cockroach- and PostModern Art Major-infested General Tso’s Chow Town or Fit to Be Thai’d. It’s a waste of time when I have your fortune cookie right here.

Boys, if you keep porn on a USB, you can use this poodle to doodle your noodle.

You’re a Star Wars fan, but the wife isn’t. No, she’s not a Trekkie. It’s worse. She’s a cat person. But this needn’t end in divorce thanks to the AT-AT Cat Condo. It’s a thing that exists and it will go perfectly with that cat Ewok costume you got Fluffy last Christmas. You know what else you should pick up? Some Dermabond Advanced because I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but that cat is going to scratch your face off. For real, yo.

If you don’t like a song that’s playing in your office, all you have to do is throw something at this poster and it’ll skip the track. Oddly, I’ve been employing this technique at concerts for years and the only thing that’s it’s gotten me is a handful of assault charges.

In the all-gum version of Star Wars, Chewbacca was played by a very small man named… Peter Maychew.

Worse joke than my last post? Hard to say, dickbags. Hard to say.