The VHS notebook is the perfect place to compose the 500-page dissertation it will take to explain Roku to your mom. I know. As my mom is so fond of reminding me, “You’ll get old someday and then you won’t be able to do the technology either.” And as I am so fond of reminding her, “Nuh-uh!”

I love the shit out of these magnets, but that’s not really what this post is about. This post is really a special announcement letting you know that we are officially receiving bondage spam! I know what you’re thinking, “What the hell took them so long?” Right?

If you’re enough of a lonely loser to sit at your computer with a “pet rock” in your right hand, I have a feeling your left hand is doing some petting of its own, nawmean?

I just realized this is a USB rock, not a mouse. So let’s all ignore what I wrote and reflect on the fact that a chihuahua peed on my boob today.

Apparently the cast of Pawn Stars just discovered the invention of mail because all of these bacon-flavored envelopes are out of stock.

via Clint “Drop It Like It’s Hot” Martin

I think this Black+Blum Heavyweight Aluminum Tape Dispenser is so pretty. I’m already sad that mine will soon be covered in skull fragments and bloody hair clumps…

Who doesn‘t need a solid marble ice cream bar-shaped paperweight? There is a correct answer, and it’s Tom Cruise. He’s already dragging this vanilla paperweight around.

I’m so not impressed, Butt Lightning. You may have a lighting bolt coming our of your butt, but I have ?#&*@^! coming out of my mouth.

These are called Stamps of Disapproval, but they should be called Stamps of Maternal Guilt. They say things like “Missed Opportunity” and “Are you happy with this?” And the truth is no, it’s not my best work, but I’ve had a lot to do today and my face is really dry and peeling and it’s freezing in here and yet I’m still sweaty and why are you so mean to me?!? You never let me do anything I want to do ever!! I’m going to runaway and never come back and then you’ll see!! *Slams door, Packs “Goin’ to Grandma’s” suitcase, Blasts 311.*

First off, we’ve posted this bubble wrap calendar before. But it was like two years ago and we’ve probably long ago alienated our original readers. Second off, this calendar is now on sale at Urban Outfitters. And if having a store stocked exclusively with poop brown, shapeless, backless minidresses won’t bankrupt you I don’t know what will. But don’t let it get you down because:

You’re so silly, Ecological Business Cards. Hippies don’t have jobs!