It’s Friday, grab your dragon mug and let’s toast your virginity. Oh, shit. I spilled my mead on your Magic the Gathering Cards. Just kidding. Made you cry!

I’m a little teapot,

Short and stout.

Here is my handle,

Here is my spout.

When I get all steamed up

I will shout

That you’ll probably get gastroenteritis from non-pathogenic microbial bone-decay residue contaminating your tea, or possibly even contract cadaverine or putrescine from ingesting toxic doses of the substances.

This is a portrait of me in Junior High. I went through a really attractive “frighteningly underweight while wearing a patchwork vest” phase. And, yes, I know what you’re thinking. Everyone did wanna hit it.

Now you can turn the remains of your loved one into a record and even pick the song that plays. Which means there’s going to be a run on “Wind Beneath My Wings” licenses. Well, that and “Nah nah nah nah hey hey hey, goodbye.” Mostly because you’re all a bunch of insensitive rat fuckers.

Move over, undercover Vampire who gets you pregnant during a Frat House date rape. Step aside, skeleton named Butterfingers hiding in your closet while wearing a fedora. Nothin’ to see here, High School shop teacher with a hook for a hand who you’d always catch licking his lips while looking down your shirt… something new is populating your nightmares tonight. And from the looks of this probably-murderous rock’s pervy grin, he’s really looking forward to the part where you find yourself locked out of your house without any pants.

via Alan “and then I woke up” McCoy

These are basically Kettlebells with scary faces carved in them, but they’re called Demonbells. Debutantes, I know what you’re thinking and no, this is not a new nickname for ‘dem tit-tays.

via Incredible Things

I may have to pick up a set of these stamps since folks here at the BHG office seem to think my Like/Dislike branding irons are “too extreme.” I told them to take it up with HR. Turns out our HR department is just a Judas Cradle and an Iron Maiden. We probably should have been tipped off when their prior work experience included anal-stretching and impalement. But we really thought they were just trying to fit in.

This Guitarist Taxidermied Mouse makes me instantly turn into a guest on Maury, “Oh heeellllll nah.”

If Pride and Prejudice can “and” Zombies, what’s to stop Dick and Jane from getting some sweet, sweet vampire action? Common decency and Midwest values: that’s what. And since I have neither, I strongly encourage you to buy a copy for your little tikes. I think the moral of the story is actually a teachable moment. “Eat a snack now and then. Hell, jump out from behind a hill and scare it first if you’d like. But be sure to get a few lunges in while you do.” Shit, that’s wise.

Matthew Cox mixes X-rays and embroidery and if you could see in my pants right now, you’d see a total whipstitch boner.

via CMYBacon