If someone’s going to eat my brains, it might as well be these gals. Now if I someone’s going to eat my other parts, I’d skew more Charlie Sheen. Just kidding, I don’t want it beat up. Or coked up.

via Rareica

This doll reminds me of the time in high school when my friend Kelly taped pubes to my friend Merrick’s Cabbage Patch doll. Of course, it also reminds me of a joke Strawberry Extreme, Dallas’s #1 Prop Comic, wrote — What do you call a self-indulgent conductor? A maestorbater. Hey, I never said my thoughts were congruent. Turtles.

One of the only cool things about the stupid town where I grew up was the bats that flew around at dusk. Maybe with this bat house I can entice some of the little bastards to live in my yard and be generally awesome and adorable. Plus I can probably train them to steal packs of cigarettes from the 7-11 by freaking out the clerk and snagging Pall Malls with their feet. And then I can sell those cigarettes to underage neighborhood skanks for a mad profit. Have a problem with me ripping you off, you flat-chested little bitch? Then take it up with my fucking army of TRAINED BATS! But first let me borrow your Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers, please. Mine ran out on Tuesday.

Sometimes when you talk, my eyes glaze over. It’s not that I’m not listening. It’s just that I’m fantasizing about how to kill you. And on the off-chance I decide a dray of man-eating squirrels is the most efficient and eloquent method, I know just who to have commemorate the moment: Scott A. A. Bibus, Rogue Taxidermist. If you like to keep the contents of your stomach in your stomach, you may want to skip his Dead Animal Art site. But if you prefer to keep your used lunch on your keyboard, have at it.

This is going right next to my horse show ribbons and my Odyssey of the Mind honorable mention.

Locks of Love has finally joined forces with the National Aesthetician Association. Starting today, all pube donations made during your Brazilian wax will be collected to make chairs for the less fortunate.

Philosophers have speculated the human heart is the seat of the soul. But now that I know it has a fortune inside, I’m going to be twice as murdery. So excuse me, won’t you, while I find out if the human colon is filled with Pu Pu Platter.

Via Slipcast.

The most offensive thing about this sofa is that it’s made of crushed velvet. Seriously, assholes, the 90s are over.

This metal band poster is awesome because the artist screenprinted it with human blood. It’s such a hit that he’s been commissioned to screenprint Justin Beiber’s tour posters using virgin tears and pubescent vaginal discharge that’s perfectly normal, sweetie, and nothing to be concerned about.

Vexed by varmints? Don’t call the Orkin man. Call upon the powers of Satan. These Varmint Voodoo dolls are the last resort for anyone too lazy to get up and squash bugs the old fashioned way… with your massive, throbbing erection. The seller claims these dolls don’t come with any hexes, real or imagined, but I claim that I was at home watching TV the night of the murder. So, you know, take it with a grain of salt.

Remember when your mom told you she was keeping an eye on you? Apparently that was no idle threat. I hope this monster stroller comes with 30 years of therapy and a clean change of underpants.