Counting sheep: you’re doing it wrong.

Slicey the Pig is an abomination to animalkind. Has the designer no decency? No respect for Mother Nature and her infinite miracles? Slicey is little more than a flagrant slap in the snout to swine across the globe. I’ll say it one time and one time only: it’s completely irrational – nay, unnatural – for a pig to have moose knuckle.

I like to pretend I’m Melanie Griffith from Working Girl even though I’ve never seen that movie. That said, I really do still write everything in a DayPlanner. I have a lot of really smart suits, too, and tons of shoulder pads and L.A. Looks. Let’s go do coke of Don Johnson’s nutsack. Who’s with me?

Throw all the other bacon-themed products inside, promise to have it cremated and I’m on board.

Pre-live your zombie apocalypse fantasies with this insanely life-like zombie head trophy. The only thing grosser is the fact that somewhere some guy is shooting this thing in the head…with his masturbation juice. Men. They just can’t help themselves.

Two things about these Chocolate Skulls:

1. They’re awesome.

2. We should bring back lobotomies.

Medieval weapon push pins!!! I love these almost as much as I love actual hatchets. But I like actual hatchets in actual bodies. Not silly corkboards. I’m gonna kill you!!

via Incredible Things

Spine candles? Yes. The fact that the seller says they “repel darkness?” Double yes. In fact, the only way to plus this shit up is if it was made from a real spine. Like yours.

What do you get for the person who everything? Everything except emotionally-scarring night terrors, that is. Duh, a handmade, three-faced flying purple people eater conjoined fetal skeleton. Love it, cuddle it, shower with it… he’s your newest forever pal. Frankly and thematically…

Jessie Wallin is slingin’ the giggles with skeleton babies and sidesplitting cross stichery .

Roses are red. Violence is, too. I got you these zombie chocolates because I love…zombie chocolates. I mean, I assume that since you’re vomiting that means you’re not going to be eating these, right?