I love the shit out of these magnets, but that’s not really what this post is about. This post is really a special announcement letting you know that we are officially receiving bondage spam! I know what you’re thinking, “What the hell took them so long?” Right?

Who doesn‘t need a solid marble ice cream bar-shaped paperweight? There is a correct answer, and it’s Tom Cruise. He’s already dragging this vanilla paperweight around.

I understand the point of this, but I don’t understand the clothespins. Can’t you just stick up those socks with your son’s pubescent jizz?

I’m so not impressed, Butt Lightning. You may have a lighting bolt coming our of your butt, but I have ?#&*@^! coming out of my mouth.

I have my own form of Kitchen Bull. And it goes a little something like, “Of course I didn’t soak your meatloaf in ipecac.”

First off, we’ve posted this bubble wrap calendar before. But it was like two years ago and we’ve probably long ago alienated our original readers. Second off, this calendar is now on sale at Urban Outfitters. And if having a store stocked exclusively with poop brown, shapeless, backless minidresses won’t bankrupt you I don’t know what will. But don’t let it get you down because:

Is this my favorite thing that’s ever been invented? No, that would be anti-freeze, (odorless, tasteless and real, real poison-y) but this is a close second. Well-designed, eco-friendly and the ultimate cat pee clump catcher, I think I’ll go ahead and order myself a baker’s dozen.

This is called DrawTop for your laptop and it’s “great for jotting down notes on the go.” Thank goodness, too, because where else would you jot stuff down? In a Word doc? Preposterous. Apple Stickies? Try again, dummy. In an email? It’s like you’re not even listening!!! Who types when you can write with really chunky markers that make your handwriting look like shit? I hate white boards, they’re too smooth. Bring on the DrawTop Chalkboard and we’ll DrawTalk.

via Incredible Things

If you actually need me to explain what this is and how to make it, simply head to your nearest hospital. Tell the nice people in the white coats you want a “vaa-sec-toe-mee” (ladies, tell them you want your “toobs tie-da”). Once the procedure is over, someone will hand you a printout with complete instructions. Happy crafting, y’all!

Hey, what time is it? Time to write reminders on your hand like a normal person, dipshit.