If I knew how to cook, you can bet your butt I’d have one of these in my house for produce scraps and ingredient castoffs. Since I don’t know how to cook I think I’ll get one anyway and just use it as an elaborate basketball hoop/trash delivery system where I toss my former hopes and dreams.

I don’t even understand how this t-shirt folder works and I don’t even care. I think it’s high time we agree to fuck folding and adopt my new system of Wad Balls. Who’s with me?

Apparently the Do It List thinks you only have one thing to do. So here’s my Do It List for the day:

Make fun of this asinine product in a public forum.

Check! Thanks, Do It List!

I’ve never seen a more appropriate pencil case for a High School girl to hide her tampons in.

When I first saw this I was so confused. I was like, “Who stores their butcher knives next to their Agatha Christies?” Then I actually read the description (or more accurately scrolled through the pictures) and figured out it’s a cookbook shelf/knife holder/cutting board multi-tool and that’s when I realized it’s more useful than me. It does three things. I merely do two — write and toot. Wait a second, I eat and sleep, too. Four things!! I do four things!! Eat my ass, Kitchen Bull.

via CMYBacon

Gotta run. I need to put some boots on over my sneakers, load a smart car into my SUV, head to the store where I’ll put a basket inside my shopping cart and then pick up some of these flour and sugar bag storage containers.

Question: would getting knocked up first for that whole “person inside another person thing” be taking this too far? I sense that it might, but I need to explain why I’m drinking for two.

I know this looks like a pen cap, but it’s actually a pen holder. Kind of like your vag. Well, technically that’s an STD warehouse where you’re movin’ ‘em wholesale, but you get the gist.

Originally seen on Fab.com which is actually is.

Guess what time it is? Time to be communist. These are retro clocks from Russia. Each one comes with a fifth of potato vodka, a manifesto and a head stain. I also heard the alarm isn’t a buzzer, it’s Oksana Baiul shouting obscenities. Mark me down for a yes.

26% of our readers can easily do these Happy Meal Dome Sculptures their-damn-selves. But due to the prevalence of children on the premises, the other 83% aren’t allowed within fifteen feet of a McDonalds.

Oh, and for the pencil-neck geeks checking my math, I’ll have you know that we do, in fact, have 109% readership. That’s just what happens when you have three vaginas and you’re consistently incredible.

Clearly this isn’t the tool you’re used to. It has a purpose, some style and probably a bigger penis.