Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Raised Eye Bras

At my house, you don’t need a bra-shaped sleeping mask to pull off this look. That’s right folks, my bras are 32 AA. Yes, that is a real size. No, I didn’t get them at Baby Gap. *runs off crying*

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Nailed It!

According to the internet, polydactylism is very rare in celebrities, which I find quite disappointing…

*BEGIN INNER MONOLOGUE*

Fuck, do I go with a disapPOINTing pun or soldier on with my intended, half-baked post idea? On the one hand -

Goddamn it, I did it again! What magical pillow powers does this thing have? Okay, focus and write your first idea, which is decidedly terrible.

*END INNER MONOLOGUE*

According to the internet, polydactylism is very rare in celebrities, which I find quite disappointing. So I vote we cut off Justin Bieber’s weiner and give Regis Philbin a new pinkie.

 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Pitch a Tent

Mark your calendar, folks. July 3rd. The first and only time I’ve ever wanted to go camping. And it’s all due to this split crotch sleeping bag.

 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Don’t Bed on Me

This Converse pillow is cool, but I’ve been sleeping on a Chuck for years. Your father says hello, by the way.

Monday, May 21, 2012

You Can’t Do Her On Television

This week on Everybody Loves Raymond:

Raymond: “Honey, I’m home.”

Waits, but there’s no answer…

Raymond: “Why is there never anyone here to appreciate me and bring me a beer?”

Laugh track

Raymond’s Bitchy Wife: “Are you back, again? I was upstairs spending your money on sachets and hideous old lady underwear you can’t unfasten.”

Laugh track

Raymond: ”Good news. I got this Stamina Pillow with an ugly lady on it. She’s like my worst nightmare so I can do you for even more seconds that one time a year you begrudgingly let me sex in your vagina.”

Oooooooooo track

Raymond’s Bitchy Wife: “You want to know my worst nightmare? Longer sex with you. I’m going to go kill myself”

Laugh track

Monday, April 16, 2012

Sleep AIDS

Making puss nature’s ranch dip, blood nature’s salsa, and this pillow nature’s most unfortunate place to rest your greasy, diseased skullparts.

P.S. Are those pubes?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Pubic Displays of Affection

You should never let a dude into your vagina on the first date. That’s what second dates are for. But you can let him into your fauxgina. He may even think it’s the real thing… from what I’ve heard, they’re about the same size.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Sock it to ‘Em

I love this pillow beast so much I wanna marry it. How does that work, again? First ladies can marry ladies, then ladies can marry toddlers, then ladies can marry dogs, and THEN ladies can marry pillow beasts?  Correct me if I’m wrong, Republicans…

Monday, January 23, 2012

Drawing Contusions

Oh, that’s a genius idea, parents. Teach your dumb kids to draw on the bedding. Next thing you know they’ll be engaging in horseplay, thinking for themselves, or loosening their restraints long enough to dart into the living room, dial the maddeningly slow rotary phone you thought was “so retro!” and make a desperate plea to 911 before dashing back into the attic and pulling up the ladder just as they hear the sound of your keys crashing onto the tile floor as you, drunker and crazier than yesterday, yell and slur your demands for a gallon of whiskey and a vegan banana split before passing out face down on the futon bathed in the flickering glow of Nick At Night’s Perfect Strangers marathon. If that doesn’t sound fun, do yourself a favor and just go to Bed, Bath and Beyond like a normal person.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Lights Out

You know why this Moustache Man Cushion fell asleep? Probably because of some story you told.

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