Oh, that’s a genius idea, parents. Teach your dumb kids to draw on the bedding. Next thing you know they’ll be engaging in horseplay, thinking for themselves, or loosening their restraints long enough to dart into the living room, dial the maddeningly slow rotary phone you thought was “so retro!” and make a desperate plea to 911 before dashing back into the attic and pulling up the ladder just as they hear the sound of your keys crashing onto the tile floor as you, drunker and crazier than yesterday, yell and slur your demands for a gallon of whiskey and a vegan banana split before passing out face down on the futon bathed in the flickering glow of Nick At Night’s Perfect Strangers marathon. If that doesn’t sound fun, do yourself a favor and just go to Bed, Bath and Beyond like a normal person.

You know why this Moustache Man Cushion fell asleep? Probably because of some story you told.

Pillowmob let’s you upload a photo and turn it into a pillow which is an awesome gift idea. Especially if you’re into burning life-sized face effigys.

If you’re going to launch a sneak masturbation attack, it’s best to do it in a camouflage bed. That way they’ll never see you coming.

I know you boys like to fantasize that girls go home every night, put on our negliges and throw a pillow fight. What your fantasy neglected to tell you is that pillow fight is to the pain. Tee hee.

I’m sensing a theme with my posts lately. So while you look at this curtain that looks like a used tampon, I’ll share the unrelated comment my boss said to me today: “You’re in danger of losing your reputation as a cold-hearted bitch.” Just in case ya’ll thought it was an act for your benefit. Nope, I really AM a horrible person.

I realized today what makes airline seats so annoying. It’s not the narrow butt clearance, the jimmy-rigged tray latch or dearth of legroom. It’s the headrest, which insistently presses your head forward like a 17-year-old getting a blow job. Yeah, someone invented a solution for this about 1000 years ago, but now that solution comes in Pierre, Dolphin Dan and Zombie Cat ($35 each). For my next post, I’ll be reinventing the wheel in needlefelt and discovering knitted fire.

I can’t decide if it would make more or less sense to sell these Conjoined Twins pillows in sets of two.

I’m fully aware that nom nom nom has run it’s course, but just like that Honey Badger, Nikki don’t give a shit. I think this pillow rules and honestly, couldn’t we all use a little more Internet meme in our lives?

Put these pillows on a couch and they immediately become “cloudy with a chance of fart catching.”