Ask a stupid question…get murdered. Sure, it’s extreme. But this is Texas. I’m using a live snake as a belt and, this morning, I put my vitamins inside live bees and then swallowed them. I only used bees because we were out of antimatter.

Recreate your high school dating life while you frantically hump your pillow at night. Only instead of laying motionless while a grunting loser gets his rocks off and calls you pizza face, now YOU get to fling the insults. Upgrade!

It’s the personal touches that will make your guest room truly special. Just like it’s the special sauce that makes a McDonald’s hamburger truly special and a 17 year-old’s schmegma that makes the special sauce truly special. Natural flavoring: can’t live with it; can’t get throat chlamydia without it.

Make Your Own Birch Log Kit? Are you kidding? Apparently you haven’t heard of a little thing called “the forest”… where you can find a gnome to make a stuffed birch log for you. Think, people. Think.

“I miss, like, love, adore, admire, fancy you.” What a sweet sentiment. I hope the other side says, “As long as you stay fupa-free.”

I call these the Five Stages of Sex. The only one missing is Stage Six: Bleach Shower.

via Alan Secret Keepin’ McCoy

Redneck check. Get your little grubworms an oversized fish pillow then stuff it with Spam and see if they don’t get trashier by osmosis. I’ve got a box top of homegrowed maters that says they will.

Oddly enough, via The World’s Best Ever

I like to grab a couple of handfuls of that sweet ass as much as the next perv, but in front of the TV? When I’m holding the remote with one arm and have the other arm elbow-deep in a jumbo bag of Doritos it’s neither the time nor the place.

Apparently Naked Decor sells housewares, but I just haven’t noticed any in this picture…

Though if this dude expects doggy to be distinctive every single time, I may have to “shop” somewhere else. I can only be so creative when I’m half-drunk and rushing before my one of my boyfriends gets home.

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via Stephanie Murdoch

Hey, everybody. This is a genuine European hamster blanket, made from real, old world hamster. Not that Chinese knock-off shit. So rest assured it chews toilet paper rolls and eats its young with its pinkies up. Fancy.