I like to grab a couple of handfuls of that sweet ass as much as the next perv, but in front of the TV? When I’m holding the remote with one arm and have the other arm elbow-deep in a jumbo bag of Doritos it’s neither the time nor the place.

Apparently Naked Decor sells housewares, but I just haven’t noticed any in this picture…

Though if this dude expects doggy to be distinctive every single time, I may have to “shop” somewhere else. I can only be so creative when I’m half-drunk and rushing before my one of my boyfriends gets home.

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via Stephanie Murdoch

Hey, everybody. This is a genuine European hamster blanket, made from real, old world hamster. Not that Chinese knock-off shit. So rest assured it chews toilet paper rolls and eats its young with its pinkies up. Fancy.

Snurk Bedding‘s trompe l’oeil bra and thong comforters are dual purpose: they remind you that you’ll never have a real girl in your bedroom, but they also distract your mother from the stains caused by your jizz and tears of loneliness.

Cartoon toast! Doesn’t this pillow totally remind you of Ren and Stimpy? And by Ren and Stimpy I of course mean the former failed Top Model contestant and a website that links to nothing. It’s uncanny!

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via RoomFu, sort of

Not unlike yourself, this isn’t much to look at until you put it on a bed. Then it performs various sexual acts, but only refers to them in the clinical terms like fellatio, cunnilingus and labia. It’s kind of awkward at first, but hey, free penis stoke.

I think this dirty latch-hook pillow is supposed to be a dick and some feet wearing tube socks. Kind of like the latch-hooked pillow I’ve already made of a dick wearing a tube sock. I went through a simultaneously Red Hot Chili Peppers/Old Lady Crafts phase in High School. The 90s really fucked with me, man. Hey, wanna see my decoupaged Dead At 21 keepsake box?

I was in the elevator the other day and I called someone color deaf. I can’t remember why, but I’m sure he had it coming. Anyway, get a load of this pillow. Just in time for the holidays, mock the handicap in your life. Next in the series — hands with only four fingers, wonk eyes and cold sores. ‘Tis the season…

Today I learned of a potassium disorder called Gitelman’s Syndrome which made me wish there were a disorder called Gibbler’s Syndrome. That’s right, I’m the kind of person who sits around wishing for terrible diseases to spring into existence just so I can enjoy the sweet, sweet, borderline sexual thrill of cracking a cheap Full House joke. But, some other guy invented this remote pillow which combines the confusingness of programming a remote with the ugliness of brown ultra-suede, and that totally makes me the better person. Even when you take into account I still use the word “retarded.”

Recently, a man created onion ring fabric by using a flexible glue to hold the rings together. He reupholstered all his furniture in the stuff and three days later was found dead with cystic acne covering 90% of his body and Michael Moore feverishly licking salty grease off of his corpse.