Much like a purple nurple, this is a shocking twist: these aren’t actually obscene! Apparently the goal of this crap is to “sublimate the fonction of the object.” Yes, fonction. That’s what is says. I don’t know what the fonction it’s supposed to mean but I think we can all agree that it’s time to change our underpants.

I realize we’re over a month out from Halloween, but if ever there was a product made for this blog, it’s Pornkins, porn stencils for your pumpkins. Here at BHG, we keep it simple with wieners and boobs, but if you have the steady hand to pull off actual intercourse, we tip our pumpkin stems to you. Perv on, perv-y.

Boys, if you keep porn on a USB, you can use this poodle to doodle your noodle.

I’ve got a Not-So-Virgin Mary sculpture here about an Egyptian protester-style virginity test. Or possibly a pre-abortion transvaginal ultrasound. Not sure. Those big lips make everything she says all mumbly. What I can say is the only thing holy about this Holy Mother is that hella giant vagina hole. High-five, y’all.

If you’re a loremaster, mathlete or this guy, you should totally buy these sheets. It’ll be the first time in history that you share a bed with boobs.

via James “Ain’t No Joke” Hoke

“Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ing-mwrahr-ftt-ftt.” That’s the sound of a million cat lady boners rocket-blasting cats right out of laps. Cat-on-carpet static won’t be the only electricity in the air – not with the 6 Packs 9 Lives 2012 Calendar in the house. Your Tender Vittles may start to tingle, but you’re going to want a totally different kind of post to scratch this itch, ladies. Trust me.

Via my friend Toby, who is a lady, but not the cat kind.

True to pre-Thanksgiving-give-up-a-thon form, the magnet may be quintuple-nutted, but the post is still half-assed.

To each shmers own, but the only motorboating the Milk Jug inspires for me is an intense desire to stick the eyeball part of my face into the turning propeller of an actual motor boat. Product note: the jug is refillable with “animal and vegetable milk.” Well, since you put it that way…Thanks for ruining cereal, lattes and, oh yeah, everything ever.

PS – In case you’re wondering, “shmers” is not a typo, but my attempt at creating a multigender pronoun. It’s called mental masturbation innovation.

I had two goals today: Brownie Sundae; Ogle Dong. The Men-ups calendar fulfills neither. But I still ordered two. If you aren’t dreaming of a world where guys can fix stuff and wear shiny orange undies (but for some reason are not donning their giant, glistening boners), you’re probably a fascist.

Via The Daily What.

Nice lamps. I have two questions. 1) What are you reading? 2) Where are your pants? With lights like these, who needs girlfriends blow-up dolls. Let’s just hope that your bookworm’s comp covers motor-boating related eye-patches.