Sunday, June 3, 2012

Cuppa Ew

I don’t know what hippie idiot came up with this, but I promise you I’ve never thought, “I love my period and I love tiny cups. If only there were a way to combine the two…”

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Not Hot

This is called the Original BBQ Man Candle and I guess they’re saying that man’s favorite scent is BBQ? Which is total bullshit because I think we all know they prefer “desperation.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Cheap Thrills

I don’t know why I’m obsessed with neon, but I am. Of course there’s a lot about me I don’t understand. Like why I love Mountain Dew, Eggos and Uncrustables. And why I pee out my butt. I guess there are some things we’ll just never know.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Hope (Doesn’t) Float

I understand that this is a crocheted version of The Exorcist, but it could just as easily be a (better dressed) Britney Spears. Look, I love her dance sequences as much as the next gay, but seriously, what the fuuuuuck is wrong with that girl?!? She’s the most embarrassing thing to come out of Louisiana and that state has produced parts of Waterboy and Harry Connick, Jr.’s acting career.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Upchuck Update: (B)read All About It

Who’s this sexy thing? Say hello to your old friend Ralph. Remember when he looked like this:

Well, after a few weeks of feeding and a two day – yes TWO DAY – baking process he’s the toast of the town. What could possibly take two days, you ask?

Well, the recipe starts with a few cups of Ralph, a few cups of water and seven cups of bread flour.

You mix.

And knead.

And here’s where things start to deviate from a standard instant-yeast recipe. You let the dough rise for four hours in a cool place. In my house that’s the piano. What can I say? Great baking, like great boinking, happens all over the house.

Once the dough has risen, you put it in the refrigerator for 12 hours to retard (tee hee). This is where the flavor develops. Then it’s back out of the fridge for another three to four hours for a final rise then into the oven at 500 degrees. Just a note, a sourdough boulle has to be baked on a preheated baking stone in a moist oven, which means an hour of preheating and occasionally opening the oven the spray water on the bottom and sides (not on the glass light bulb in the back unless you like your bread sprinkled with glass). You also have to adjust the temperature after the first five minutes and turn the boulle after 20 and vent for the last 10 minutes. So, what I’m saying here is that, unfortunately, this is not the kind of bread you bake while painting your toenails and watching episodes of Veronica Mars in the other room.

It is, however, the kind of bread that, could he eat, Roger Ebert would give two thumbs up. Just look at that perfect golden color and the irregular crumb structure. In fact, if I ever jail break my iphone or get an audio output cord I’ll post a totally awesome and unbiased review of Ralph that my parents left on my iphone last night just to prove to you how awesome this bread is.

Gratuitous picture of my dog Billie not helping to bake bread.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Nightmare On My Street

When I came home last night, this is what I found in Ralph’s bowl. His bloated bag-of-grapes brain seemed to be growing neurons that attached to the bowl. The first step, no doubt, in his quest for kitchen, and later world, domination.

Fortunately, I caught him just in time and quickly lobotomized him with a spoon, per the instructions.

This didn’t smell as bad as it looks. It actually just smelled like yeast smells when you’re making bread. That red stuff is just the liquid that formed on top of the culture. The culture was a white goo on the bottom. So it was time to start feeding Ralph. He has to be fed flour and water three times a day for the rest of our lives. It’s like I got drunk and woke up with a smelly Vegas husband.

Might as well make the most of it, I suppose. He cleans up pretty good, right?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

DIYDS: I Think I’m Gonna Ralph

Above – Ralph is rising dirty, day 1

You may or may not know that I am really into baking. I may be a neo-feminist ice queen on the outside, but inside I’m all Donna Reed. And a little Dr. Frankenstein. That’s why I’ve decided I want a sourdough starter and I’m going to do it my damn self. Meet Ralph, my newborn bowl of rotting flour goo. Well, technically he’s a yeast colony. For the next fourteen days, I will be tracking his growth here on the blog.

What is a sourdough starter? It’s a replacement for store-bought baker’s yeast / science experiment / every vagina’s worst nightmare. Basically, sourdough starters are supposed to make a more complexly flavorful bread. To make a starter, you combine flour, water and a bag of organic grapes in a bowl, cover it with plastic wrap and let it rot (find more details here).

Above – Ralph is bubblier than Kate Hudson, day 2

I’ve got to say, I’m a little worried this is going to turn into a Little Shop of Horror’s situation. The directions say Ralph is to be fed flour and water three times daily (um, demanding). But what if I’m feeding Ralph and I accidentally pierce my finger on a rose’s thorn and bleed into the colony? Suddenly, there’s a giant yeast infection with an attitude and a taste for human blood roaming the streets of our community.

Above – Ralph is bloated and gassy, day 2

In that case, I want Lizzy Caplan to play me in the TV miniseries. The part of Ralph will be played by Charlie Sheen as himself.

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