Monday, August 26, 2013

I’m the Bossiest of Them All

It’s been far too long since I’ve demanded things of you, but I’m back!

The Boyfriend’s company, Field Day, is a nominee in the Martha Stewart American Made competition and we can’t think of any good reason for you not to vote for him. Lose your arms to a rabid bear? Make like Stephen Hawking and vote with your face. Don’t own a computer? YOU FUCKING LIAR YOU ARE READING THIS ON A COMPUTER.

The benefit to you is that by clicking this link you can ogle his stupid-hot self and also cast a kindly vote in his direction. As a thank you, I’m putting the tit in gratitude and flashing my laptop in your honor.








Sunday, January 13, 2013

Shine On

For $425 you can take a pill that will make your doodoo twinkle so it looks like The Real Housewives will have a new spin-off.

via Incredible Things

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Don’t Forget the Shipping Labias

Ladies, you can either spend $280 on one of these leather boxes, or become a Florida beach nudist and create your own.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Rub a Dumb Dumb

There are at least a couple of good reasons not to have a hot tub installed at your home. Number one: it’s not the 70s. But if you just can’t resist the urge to soak in a warm vat of diluted urine and spilled wine coolers, not to fear. The Hot Tug is here. (Hold your applause.) Now you can take your show urinary tract infection on the road white-trash lake to remind your neighbors of the urgent need to circle-circle-dot-dot give themselves a douchebag shot. It a public service, really.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Diddle Me This

When Mittens went off on his tangent about the good-for-nothing 47%, he left out one very important fact: that the other 47% are assholes. What kind of assholes? The kind who would buy a box of mail-order holiday gourds for $68. Sad but true. What about the 6% we left out? They’re busy masturbating. Tragically, they’re our nation’s best and only hope. God speed, diddlers.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Breakfast at Louis’

The convenient thing about this Louis Vuitton waffle maker is that it doubles as a tiny tanning bed for your almost non-existent sense of humility.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Flash Your Headlights

To turn this lamp on, you just shake it’s hand. So, basically, it’s you in lamp form.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Hands on a Hard Booty

Well, kids, now that Michael Jackson’s dead, you’ll need to buy this sofa if you want velvety soft hands to cup your ass.

Monday, March 12, 2012


Invest in a diamond toilet to turn your tinkles into twinkles.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

I Am Iron Map

I got so excited when I saw these and then I saw the price tags. $430 for each state? Fuck you, iron skillet states. They claim to be pre-seasoned, but with what? Pioneer tears? Buffalo semen? No? Then they’re too expensive, dammit.

via CMYBacon

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