Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Water Foul

The last thing I want to see is your prune-puckered, raw chicken cheeks sliding around in a clear bathtub. For the record, the first thing I want to see is an all-Amish rendition of Small Wonder on Ice.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Vanilla’s Guy

Who doesn‘t need a solid marble ice cream bar-shaped paperweight? There is a correct answer, and it’s Tom Cruise. He’s already dragging this vanilla paperweight around.

Friday, November 11, 2011

A Sick Joke

I have my own form of Kitchen Bull. And it goes a little something like, “Of course I didn’t soak your meatloaf in ipecac.”

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Sit Your Pants

It’s pretty expensive to commission Stool No. 1.  Luckily you can make Stool No. 2 for the price of a Burrito Supreme.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Miss Mannered

This is a placemat that tells you how to set a table and then how to retrieve each utensil. Oddly enough, step one isn’t removing your head from your ass.

via ReCraft

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

All Hopped Up


This is your brain. This is your brain on a design blog run by cunty sociopaths. Any questions?

 

Like we’d give a fuck if the answer was “yes.”

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Many Hands Make Light Jokes Work

Here’s a double dose of jokery for you:

These light fixtures are perfect for rich Star Wars nerds to put in their mansions. Or they would be, if Star Wars nerds ever moved out of their moms’ basements.

Or…

Ye Old Dan Flavin just jizzed his pants.

Alan wrote the second joke. I think the five people who get it without Googling Dan Flavin can agree that it’s better than mine. But for the rest of you guys… STAR WARS NERDS! THEY LIVE IN BASEMENTS! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tushy Washy

Praise Jeebus. Someone finally designed a bathtub that helps you perfectly line up your butt crack.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Lil’ Fuckers: I C What U Did There

Hey kids, inspired by the BabyC Cradle, let’s learn the Pretentious Baby Alphabet!

A is for Anglophile, which baby must become immediately postpartum, lest he be regarded as a one-dimensional American plebe.

B is for Bougainvillea, baby’s middle name, after the flowers pinned to the mane of his distant royal Uncle’s noble steed as he rode through village, regarding his subjects with disdain.

C is for Cashmere, the only fabric to touch baby, from swaddling clothes to funerary attire on the day of his imminent demise, surely from the daily strain of being smarter, more interesting, and better looking than everyone else.

and D is for Darling, the ABCs are so last year. Those in the know moved on to Morse code weeks ago, you insipid  -.-.  ..-  -.  -

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Bitches and Pussies: David Bow-Wow-Wowie’s Space Doggedy

For the sake of this exercise, please pretend that this astronaut-lookin’ motherfucker is a very tall Pomeranian.

Pound Control to Major Pom
Take your heartworm pills
and put your collar on

Pound Control to Major Pom
Commencing countdown,
Leashes on
Check submission
and may Dog’s love be with you

This is Pound Control
to Major Pom
You’re ready to be spayed
And your papers have you cleared for dental care
Now it’s time to leave the shelter
if you dare

This is Major Pom to Pound Control
I’m scratching at the door
And I’m barking
in a most obnoxious way
Because I cannot wait to get away

For here
Am I pissing in a cold crate
Far from a dog park
The shelter’s loud
And I really have to poo

Though I’ve chomped
one thousand rugrats’ hands
I’m feeling very bored
But my new owner knows which way to go
Tell my bitch that she’s in heat

She knows

Pound Control to Major Pom
Your owner’s bleeding,
And you’re gone.
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you….

Here am I running
round my neighborhood
Far from all you dicks
before I ran from you
I pissed on your favorite shoes…

.

Dog Peek via the foxiest She Wolf in town, Dani Stover

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