Dudes, this bear rug is only $1800, which is quite a steal considering how rare Pink Tapestry Bears are in the wild. Fun fact: 96% of all Pink Tapestry Bears are gay. The other 4% just pretended to be bisexual in college.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Bear Unnecessities
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Puzzled
This is carpet for people that have nothing better to do than sit around and piece shit together. I, on the other hand, have farts to sniff.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Red Carport Treatment
Monday, July 12, 2010
CBToot
I got this catalog the other day and I thought, “eh, I’ll thumb through when I have time.” Fortunately, I had to work today and thank goodness because this thing is a fucking goldmine. It looks better in print though. So order it, kill a tree, feel guilty and off yourself. Fair’s fair, right?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Braid Dead
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Pizza the Rug
Here’s hoping Pizza the Rug doesn’t eat himself to death while stuck in an elevator. If you don’t get that joke you haven’t seen Space Balls 37 times. And if you haven’t seen Space Balls 37 times, you’re dead to me.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Squeaky Floors
All you poor, pathetic New Yorkers who pay $2500 a month to live in a studio apartment the size of Gary Coleman’s philtrum: it’s time to get cozy. A bearskin rug won’t fit in that shoebox you call a hovel, but a rat skin rug sure will. If you’re cool with getting murdery and then crafty, then you can make your own by collecting these little fuckers anytime you’re waiting on the train at 4:00 in the morning, leaking pee into your American Apparel tights, trying to figure out why your cigarettes are soaking wet and covered in glitter, and wondering why Planned Parenthood won’t reply to a text that says, “Dudez im need Morning aFter Pill 2morow text me back,yo. Gunna bone this dude 4 rillzzzzz.”
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Bearskin Thug
Fake deer head used to be the new inflatable sheep with a vagina hole, which was the new plastic lawn flamingo. But now fake bearskin rug is the new fake deer head. I wouldn’t know how to keep up. Luckily, I like to kick it old school, so I pretty much kill whatever I happen to see on my way home and just put a doily on it.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Cool and the Gangrene
Oh, Christ. I got Scabies just looking at this Comb Over Rug. Why would you want to envelop yourself in feet and dirt and errant pubes and nail clippings (Gaaghgh accchhh glaaaagh) and scab flakes and crumbs of every variety?
What I’m saying is, you lay down on that rug looking like this:
And you get up looking like this:
Not only are you a greasy, flaccid loser, but I can smell your dick cheese from here.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Trompe No Doy
Oh look, it’s a trick! You think it’s wood planks, but it’s really a rug! Just like you think you’re buying it from Urban Outfitters, but you’re really buying it from a Pretentious Douche Factory! What’s that you say? They’re one in the same? Carry on then, dickbag. Carry on.
P.S. I told my non-lesbian work partner Clint that this was a rug and he said, “As in carpet?” No, Clint, it’s a wood-paneled toupee. Jesus.












