I’ve always preferred Old Testament God over New Testament God. Smite makes right, I always say.  But that was before I discovered New New Testament God. He’s not a vengeful God or a forgiving God. He’s a fucking bat-shit crazy God. No, no. This chef isn’t the Antichrist. Ronald McDonald still has that gig covered. Look at the lower right corner. That’s breast-milk cheese, the latest greatest thing in New New Testament God’s creation (i.e. Brooklyn). And don’t worry, according to this NYP article, it tastes pretty much like cow cheese. So, you know, the benefits are obvious. Don’t question New New God’s wisdom! Or the way he applied those almond slivers to that cheese ball. His cheese balling is beyond reproach. Amen.

Via Buzzfeed, The All-Knowing.

The holes on the Amen Salt and Pepper Shakers are totally the nail holes from Jesus’ crucifiction, right? Wow, that’s pretty fucked up.  I know for a fact that blood makes salt clumpy because  I’m really good at pouring salt in people’s wounds. And I don’t mean that as a metaphor… I used to work for the KGB.

When thinking of screenprinting a Franklin Mint plate, most people would probably have gone with “I love cheesecake,” or “I love cherry pie.” But Carrie Reichardt loves Satan, which is why I love Carrie Reichardt. You can tell because I’m standing outside her bedroom window right now, lighting incense and singing hymns to myself in tongues while I take pictures of her sleeping.

via Stephanie “Fist Pump” Fisher

I appreciate this beer koozie, though I’d never be classless enough to drink my whup-ass out of a can. I prefer a champagne flute of whup-ass, or the occasional snifter of whup-ass. Of course, when I was younger and skankier, I’ll admit to going on a bender and drinking whup-ass out of Big Gulp cups while I was driving or sitting in church. I don’t know how I made it through that phase without getting arrested.

Okay, guys, I’m obviously just kidding around. Like I would ever go to church.

I’m about to get on an airplane, so I figured, what better time to tempt God’s wrath? So here are some awesome votive candles featuring Jesus and assorted saints / virgins accentuated by googly eyes and rhinestones – all handmade by my friend over at SQZL Designs. I don’t have time to say all the wonderful things I would like to about these as I am in a hurry to get to my fiery death. But, Jesus, consider yourself burned.

You know what would be nice? If pillows shut the fuck up and listened for once. But if they just have to say something, they should stop being such pussies. They don’t realize it, but being so nice means you won’t just be leaned on. You’ll also be stepped all over and probably used as a silencer for a nut-busting shart. Interestingly, that’s also what killed Mother Teresa. And that really caring Care Bear. You know, that one.

Today I was in the bathroom at work when toilet water literally started to rain from the heavens. I escaped with only a few drops on my arm, but the deluge intensified and flooded the whole place. Now our water’s turned off and I still have to pee. I take this as a sign that God reads the blog. And even though he enjoys doling out the occasional smiting, I’d like to think he makes it up to me by guiding my browser to a gem like this. After all, he made me in his image. Which means He’s a pretty hot chick for a dude.

Find more art by Aleksandra Waliszewska here.

Via Hard Feelings.

Is there a patron saint of home repair? I guess there is now.

The next time someone asks you why you’re an atheist, just tell them Jesus really screwed you over.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

See you in Hell.

If you need another thingamahoozie to collect dust in your clutter cave, pick up one of these rad anatomical black hearts. After all, I have one at my house and I’m pretty much the best thing since Jesus, who was the best thing since triceratops, who was the best thing since cell fission who was the next best thing to sliced bread. Sliced bread created the universe. FYI.

Rats deserve a Christian Burial, right? Not these rats. They were excommunicated for peeing in the baptismal font, making tiny doodles in the Pope’s hand and eating the New Testament. I’ve got to say I’m with them on the last one. Vengeful God is way more fun than that pussy old Jesus.