The last thing I want is Christ the Redeemer watching me shower. It’s embarrassing enough that my pastor watches me masturbate.

I thought pissing with the door open was the ultimate in disgusting, pathetic relationship apathy. But, lo, God created the Loveseat Toilet. Well, God or some sick dumbfuck with a community college design degree. Probably the latter because I think God would be more likely to get a Masters in Stem Cell Research. It’s the wave of the future!

This arrow Bible cubby was designed by a Bonar. Pretty impressive, since the only thing your boner ever designed was a map of Hawaii.

via Bookshelf

What do you get when you combine the Wizard of Oz, a pieta, and a couple of American Apparel employees? A chance for me to casually throw around my knowledge of the word “pieta.” Which you’re about to Google because you’re stupid.

God, I love being me.

Mary, Jesus and Joseph

via It’s Nice That

You can’t say your militantly right-wing Republican grandmother didn’t have a sense of humor. You also can’t say she didn’t have a felony record. But all that prison time gave her plenty of time to quilt and a lot of abortion clinic doctors’ corpses are the warmer for it.

Tell your butt to repent. It’s Chairmageddon. Ditch the hair shirt and the cat o’ nine tails and self-flagellate in ergonomic comfort with this cactus chair. Now your poops can feel as bad on the outside as they do on the inside. PS – eat more fiber.

I think the guy who invented Garbage Pail Kids, whom I can only assume is named Garbage Pail Jones, went to Hummel and warped the mind of the nun who invented those ushy-gushy Hummel figurines. I heard he did it by replacing her Psalms with Mystikal lyrics and her nun chow with McDonald’s ground “beef.” I also heard he went on to found a little school you and I know as Harvard. Oh, who am I kidding. How could I possibly hear anything? I’m technically asleep right now.

How hard can it be to make a lego table? I think you can do it your damn self as long as you have enough legos to complete the task. Of course, you won’t want to ruin that dumpy, rode-hard-and-put-away-wet figure by actually birthing a baby of your own in order to have a reason procure said legos, so you’ll have to make the table the easy way. Here’s how:

1. Get extremely drunk on shots of bourbon and cans of Strongbow.

2. Drive home from your bar of choice, taking extra care to leave your headlights off.

3. Immediately get pulled over for drunk driving.

4. Get thrown in jail with a room full of handsy frat boys and a Guatemalan prostitute. Make jokes about the size of her sink hole.

5. Appear before the judge in the morning, preferably while still drunk.

6. Get sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service.

7. Perform community service at the day care of your local church.

8. Steal all the legos in the play room from the grubby, greedy little babies.

9. Uh… make a table out of them.

gimme a break

Easy-peasy, super-sleazy.

gimme a break

via Khoa “the K is for kick-ass” Le

It’s good to know that, like every other man, God only has one thing on his mind: sky banging. It’s also good to know, that in spite of what I’ve always believed, I do know how to get into heaven. They taught us that 12th grade health class.

I hate Mondays. Even when they’re Tuesdays. I walked into the office this morning, and the tap water was literally running red. And since the water was red and I was really thirsty, naturally, I converted to Satanism. Now I have a golden bottle of Ozarka’s finest and Satan has a severed cow head and a shiny new advertising creative soul. So, really, just the cow head.