I do my best not to think about important things. Life is too full of porn, booze and vampire books for introspection and shit. But a product like this Time Flies Clock makes me question A) the perpetuation of our spend-and-toss dystopia; B) The existence of a benevolent God and; C) When the fuck is Chick-fil-a going to start opening on Sundays? By the way,  you can totally do this your damn self, but why anyone would want to absolutely mystifies me.

It’s your own. Personal. Jesus

…Waffle.

Holy Trinity, Jesus has more endorsement deals than Kobe Bryant (or whatever sports man is relevant nowadays). But it’s cool because why would you need the Second Coming when you can have a second helping? Answer me, God damn it!

Some people seem to think these portraits of little boys smoking are disturbing. I say what’s really disturbing is listening to your mom blather on every night about how fat her labia are. I’m totally blocking her number when I get home.

Somewhere in creation God is getting a major 404. In case you’re like, “What’s the Holy Hubbub,” let me tell you that up there is a bicycle mustache. So before IT tells God to try turning it off and on again, maybe we can fix this. What about just having a bicycle and a mustache or even a mustache mug in the ironic cup holder you had installed on your bicycle? What about just getting one of those mustache necklaces and also a bicycle one? Mustache finger tattoo and a bicycle sleeve? No? Does anyone else see a giant beach ball spinning in the sky? Eh. It’s probably nothing.

I’m not really in the market for any crows or pigeons right now. After all, I have a whole closet full of souls with the tags still on. They say never throw away your skinny souls, you’ll get back into them. But who are we kidding, amiright ladies? And just try donating those to your local women’s shelter.

asdfsadf

Oh, BTW, “Satan” is so polarizing. I prefer the term “Salvation Impaired.”

I saw this print and thought, “that’s a nice sentiment.” So I clicked and found out it costs $49. For four words? I don’t get it. I mean, I hate to plagiarize, but guess who has two thumbs, both of which can type in Helvetica? This gal.

adsfdsf

If I could get real for just a second, all of that up there is a lie. I love to plagiarize. I copied this entire post out of the Book of Mormon. Even this part. That thing is weirdly meta.

asdfd

PS – Don’t tell New World Jesus.

PPS – Do tell Oprah.

I plan on tossing everyone’s keys in one of these Sculptural Firebowls at my next swingers party. That way my evil, sinful guests can get an idea of what it’ll feel like to burn in Hell for committing adultery.

JAY KAY! They’ll just get an idea of what their nether regions will feel like after boning my friends. They all either have Chlamydia or insist on marinating their genitals in Icy Hot.

With the MinorMiracle mug, I’ll be able to see the Virgin Mary everyday.

Instead of just on Tuesdays.

When we get together and bang.

Finger-style.

What? She’s still a virgin.

Ish.

Keys? I was promised men. What the fuck, Jesus?

This is the perfect bed for anyone suffering from Stigmata, as it appears to be wrapped in Always Dri Weave.