What do you get when you combine the Wizard of Oz, a pieta, and a couple of American Apparel employees? A chance for me to casually throw around my knowledge of the word “pieta.” Which you’re about to Google because you’re stupid.

God, I love being me.

Mary, Jesus and Joseph

via It’s Nice That

You can’t say your militantly right-wing Republican grandmother didn’t have a sense of humor. You also can’t say she didn’t have a felony record. But all that prison time gave her plenty of time to quilt and a lot of abortion clinic doctors’ corpses are the warmer for it.

Tell your butt to repent. It’s Chairmageddon. Ditch the hair shirt and the cat o’ nine tails and self-flagellate in ergonomic comfort with this cactus chair. Now your poops can feel as bad on the outside as they do on the inside. PS – eat more fiber.

I think the guy who invented Garbage Pail Kids, whom I can only assume is named Garbage Pail Jones, went to Hummel and warped the mind of the nun who invented those ushy-gushy Hummel figurines. I heard he did it by replacing her Psalms with Mystikal lyrics and her nun chow with McDonald’s ground “beef.” I also heard he went on to found a little school you and I know as Harvard. Oh, who am I kidding. How could I possibly hear anything? I’m technically asleep right now.

How hard can it be to make a lego table? I think you can do it your damn self as long as you have enough legos to complete the task. Of course, you won’t want to ruin that dumpy, rode-hard-and-put-away-wet figure by actually birthing a baby of your own in order to have a reason procure said legos, so you’ll have to make the table the easy way. Here’s how:

1. Get extremely drunk on shots of bourbon and cans of Strongbow.

2. Drive home from your bar of choice, taking extra care to leave your headlights off.

3. Immediately get pulled over for drunk driving.

4. Get thrown in jail with a room full of handsy frat boys and a Guatemalan prostitute. Make jokes about the size of her sink hole.

5. Appear before the judge in the morning, preferably while still drunk.

6. Get sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service.

7. Perform community service at the day care of your local church.

8. Steal all the legos in the play room from the grubby, greedy little babies.

9. Uh… make a table out of them.

gimme a break

Easy-peasy, super-sleazy.

gimme a break

via Khoa “the K is for kick-ass” Le

It’s good to know that, like every other man, God only has one thing on his mind: sky banging. It’s also good to know, that in spite of what I’ve always believed, I do know how to get into heaven. They taught us that 12th grade health class.

I hate Mondays. Even when they’re Tuesdays. I walked into the office this morning, and the tap water was literally running red. And since the water was red and I was really thirsty, naturally, I converted to Satanism. Now I have a golden bottle of Ozarka’s finest and Satan has a severed cow head and a shiny new advertising creative soul. So, really, just the cow head.

It’s Friday running-down-the-length-of-your-thigh-day, so all I’m going to talk about is wieners and sperm and wieners with sperm coming out of them and Jesus. This amazing religion-inspired typographical masturbation by Giulia Santo Padre (the theme continues) is called “7Seeds.” Each sperm contains the name of one of the deadly sins, and for all you Promise Ringers out there, you’ve lucked out because “In The Butt” still isn’t one of them. Now I know that God created Heaven and Earth in seven days. But my question is how long did it take Satan to sneak into the bathroom and DNA rocket the seven sins into Pandora’s Box? Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week or until God creates unicorns. Whichever comes first.

We may not know what color Jesus was, but we definitely know he was into getting nailed (see inside red circle area).

The pastor of a church in Oklahoma claims that this painting of Jesus sports a distended, gassy tummy, not the unholiest of Holy Trinities (two rock-hard nards and a gigantic boner). The church should see this holy hard-on as a good thing. Because of this painting people are finally getting turned-on to this whole organized religion thing… so much so they’ve made a little holy sacrament in their panties. As for me, I don’t know if I’ll be accepting Jesus into my heart, but I will definitely be inviting him up for coffee.

God is watching you… from the building across the street through the scope of a sniper rifle. Jesus, Jesus. Could you be any more creepy?  What is this, your yearbook photo from the semester you went goth and marched around in combat boots looking sullen and showing people the scars from last night’s cutting session?

The seller claims this lighted hand painted and shaded Jesus doesn’t just follow you around the room with his eyes. He follows you with his whole face. The next thing you know he’ll be following you around with his body and then it’s just a hop, skip and a jump over to rape town. You know that dream where you’re walking on the beach with Jesus and when times get hard there is only one set of footprints? That’s because if you look to the left you’ll see drag marks, two knee grooves and an ass print.