If you’re enough of a lonely loser to sit at your computer with a “pet rock” in your right hand, I have a feeling your left hand is doing some petting of its own, nawmean?

I just realized this is a USB rock, not a mouse. So let’s all ignore what I wrote and reflect on the fact that a chihuahua peed on my boob today.

Who exactly needs coffee soap to wake up their hands while washing them? I’ll tell you who: the friend I had in High School who would sit on his hand before masturbating so that it would fall asleep and feel like a stranger was touching his wiener. Otherwise known as The Smartest and Eighth Most Perverted Friend I’ve Ever Had.

 These gesture pop-up cards cover almost the entire spectrum of my emotions. There’s “Fuck You,” “Punch to the Face,” “Your Chode is Stupid Long,” “Look at the Stars,” and “Bunny Ears in Your Instagram.” I’d still like to see the last two, though: “Surprise! Prostate Exam!” and “Titty Twister.”

“This crystal filled storm glass device is used for predicting weather up to two days in advance. You’ll see changes in the crystal formations if it will be fair weather.” Apparently, clear liquid means fair weather and cloudy liquid means Mother Nature is about to blow her load.

via Liz “Do we have those scripts approved now? Now? Now? How about now?” R.

This heat-activated, clothes-ditching mug “will take skirt off when you give her hot water or coffee.” So that you can “Taste delicious coffee with a beautiful girl.” Great. Congratulations on both your creative grammar and making the morning fap that much more potentially scalding, but I think we’re burying the lede here.

What the fuck is this and how can we thwart its plans for world domination?

Via Incredible Things.

First of all, I just think it’s a super amazing idea to use nails as decoration. I’ve used them for head wounds, but never decoration!! Second of all, I love that the creator of this acknowledges that it totally looks like a butt and you know me and big booty hos — we hump wit it.

I don’t know about you, but I like to start my morning with a hot cup of teet.

Amazingly, this mug is only $10. Unamazingly, shipping is $14.95.

My high school guidance counselor said that I was the only student who’s career aptitude test ever came back “finger-bang joke writer.” No one explicitly said “don’t use the Scantron bubbles to draw pussy-poking.” So, really, this one’s on our public school system.

Lewd yarn lamp via Knithacker

This handy new iPhone case brings new meaning to the term “phone sex.” It also comes pre-packaged with a bottle of lube and free legal advice – just in case leaving your phone on the bus seat next to you results in a sodomy charge.

If you subscribe to Daily Candy, you’ve already seen this. If you don’t, here’s what you’re missing. The “Love is Art” kit comes with “a treated non-allergenic cotton canvas as well as a specially formulated non-toxic, washable paint.” Basically, you and your sexmate cover your bodies in the paint and then do it on the canvas. After that, you hang it on the wall, make people throw up and ensure no one ever gets a boner ever again and several people saw their dicks off right then and there because sex for them is now ruined. RUINED. Thanks to you, your lard ass and a bucket of non-toxic paint. Way to go, Love is Art, you dumbfuck.