This heat-activated, clothes-ditching mug “will take skirt off when you give her hot water or coffee.” So that you can “Taste delicious coffee with a beautiful girl.” Great. Congratulations on both your creative grammar and making the morning fap that much more potentially scalding, but I think we’re burying the lede here.

What the fuck is this and how can we thwart its plans for world domination?

Via Incredible Things.

First of all, I just think it’s a super amazing idea to use nails as decoration. I’ve used them for head wounds, but never decoration!! Second of all, I love that the creator of this acknowledges that it totally looks like a butt and you know me and big booty hos — we hump wit it.

I don’t know about you, but I like to start my morning with a hot cup of teet.

Amazingly, this mug is only $10. Unamazingly, shipping is $14.95.

My high school guidance counselor said that I was the only student who’s career aptitude test ever came back “finger-bang joke writer.” No one explicitly said “don’t use the Scantron bubbles to draw pussy-poking.” So, really, this one’s on our public school system.

Lewd yarn lamp via Knithacker

This handy new iPhone case brings new meaning to the term “phone sex.” It also comes pre-packaged with a bottle of lube and free legal advice – just in case leaving your phone on the bus seat next to you results in a sodomy charge.

If you subscribe to Daily Candy, you’ve already seen this. If you don’t, here’s what you’re missing. The “Love is Art” kit comes with “a treated non-allergenic cotton canvas as well as a specially formulated non-toxic, washable paint.” Basically, you and your sexmate cover your bodies in the paint and then do it on the canvas. After that, you hang it on the wall, make people throw up and ensure no one ever gets a boner ever again and several people saw their dicks off right then and there because sex for them is now ruined. RUINED. Thanks to you, your lard ass and a bucket of non-toxic paint. Way to go, Love is Art, you dumbfuck.

These hand fins are for swimming, but I say cut loose and use them for doing the dishes. Go on, treat yourself. Or, you know, fulfill your adolescent fantasy of getting a handy from Swamp Thing. That’s right, I’m in your brain and – PS – it stinks in here.

Word to the wise: if you’re planning on bedding a hirsute Burt Reynolds stand-in on this bear skin rug, keep in mind that it’s tiny, sticky and just the right size for getting stuck to your chode. There’s nothing more embarrassing than showing up to your naked yoga class with a gummy bear on your chode. Except for your face. Burn.

Rest assured that even with your abhorrent personality, bile-summoning visage, guffaw-inducing sartorial choices, inbred lineage, fetid odor, and loathsome partisanship, when it comes to being loved in the Biblical sense, your hand will say what no one of the opposite sex ever will: Yes. But your hand will apparently say it in French, because it can’t get over how pretentious you are, you annoying, ugly, badly-dressed, hillbilly, smelly, conservative prick.

I like to grab a couple of handfuls of that sweet ass as much as the next perv, but in front of the TV? When I’m holding the remote with one arm and have the other arm elbow-deep in a jumbo bag of Doritos it’s neither the time nor the place.