Boys, if you keep porn on a USB, you can use this poodle to doodle your noodle.

Pre-live your zombie apocalypse fantasies with this insanely life-like zombie head trophy. The only thing grosser is the fact that somewhere some guy is shooting this thing in the head…with his masturbation juice. Men. They just can’t help themselves.

If you’re a loremaster, mathlete or this guy, you should totally buy these sheets. It’ll be the first time in history that you share a bed with boobs.

via James “Ain’t No Joke” Hoke

The product description for this soy sauce dropper says it’s mouth-blown and gives you control over how much flavor you want. I say if you plan on breaking this out at your next dinner party, don’t be surprised if some of the ladies and gents get a little confused about exactly what kind of party you’re hosting. Know what I mean, Vern?

This cum receptacle is a work of art. Says so right on the package. That explains why they found that lost da Vinci wadded up and stuck together at the bottom of his studio waste bin. And also why it was painted on a sock.

You know why they had to write “Carl’s Beer” on this shirt? To distract Carl from the obvious alternative use of these multi-pockets. You know, for pocket fondling his schlong and gongs. His willie and wonkas. His frank and beans. His sausage and biscuits. His kirk and tribbles. His poke and emons. His dingle and danglers. His tamale and empanadas. His ping and pongs. His meat and potatoes.  His tardis and companions. His R and two D2s. His chicken and dumplings. His snake and gerbils. His sock and rocks. His tree and ornaments. His merry and go-rounds. His dave and lettermen. His cone and o’briens. His castle and grayskulls. His top hat and monocles. His raccoon and trashcans. I can do this all day. And – bonus – at that angle, the jizz will definitely shoot directly into your eye.

If you’re enough of a lonely loser to sit at your computer with a “pet rock” in your right hand, I have a feeling your left hand is doing some petting of its own, nawmean?

I just realized this is a USB rock, not a mouse. So let’s all ignore what I wrote and reflect on the fact that a chihuahua peed on my boob today.

Who exactly needs coffee soap to wake up their hands while washing them? I’ll tell you who: the friend I had in High School who would sit on his hand before masturbating so that it would fall asleep and feel like a stranger was touching his wiener. Otherwise known as The Smartest and Eighth Most Perverted Friend I’ve Ever Had.

 These gesture pop-up cards cover almost the entire spectrum of my emotions. There’s “Fuck You,” “Punch to the Face,” “Your Chode is Stupid Long,” “Look at the Stars,” and “Bunny Ears in Your Instagram.” I’d still like to see the last two, though: “Surprise! Prostate Exam!” and “Titty Twister.”

“This crystal filled storm glass device is used for predicting weather up to two days in advance. You’ll see changes in the crystal formations if it will be fair weather.” Apparently, clear liquid means fair weather and cloudy liquid means Mother Nature is about to blow her load.

via Liz “Do we have those scripts approved now? Now? Now? How about now?” R.