I’m about to get on an airplane, so I figured, what better time to tempt God’s wrath? So here are some awesome votive candles featuring Jesus and assorted saints / virgins accentuated by googly eyes and rhinestones – all handmade by my friend over at SQZL Designs. I don’t have time to say all the wonderful things I would like to about these as I am in a hurry to get to my fiery death. But, Jesus, consider yourself burned.

Of course, we’re incredibly funny and popular. But we’re also an important news outlet… for psychopaths, stalkers and degenerate layabouts. That – and our eye-exploding good looks – is why our friends at ReadyMade gave us advanced access to the latest issue. And, like trench coat-donning perverts, we’re giving you a sneak-peek at the goods.

The issue, which won’t be hitting stands but instead punching them solidly in the groin with the sheer force of its radness, will be available starting January 26th. It features a handy flowchart that will help you decide what sort of pancakes to make, as well as an interview with Jonathan Adler about how awesome it is to be Jonathan Adler (part of their returning feature “How Did You Get That F*$%ing Awesome Job”).

And if you haven’t spiraled into a career-angst-inspired pancake coma at this point, there is also a nifty little article about trailer living in Marfa, Texas and a bunch of other stuff that will just have to be a surprise. We’re teasing the magazine here, not rewriting it.

Much like putting on an old pair of jeans and finding a twenty dollar bill in the pocket, I was just stumbling around the internet looking for art to post and found a new nickname for my boobs. That’s the same, right?

Not only do I love this painting, Escape, by Dallas artist/designer Nathan Trimm, but it’s given me my new favorite rack-vernacular: Meat Balloons. God Bless it.

I also feel the need to point out that I’m 99% sure that I had a Drawing class with Mister Trimm in college in 1998. And also, maybe we exchanged Christmas cards once. Which makes me realize that I must be the inspiration for the whole meat balloons thing. Dudes, my rack’s been epic since like ‘96.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, obscene princess named Tracy Sunrize Johnson who used her magical computer to explore the world that exists outside of her hangover. One day, while trolling the pits of internet Hell, she fell in e-love with an evil witch named Krista. The obscene princess and the witch formed a co-dependent friendship that involved much Scratching of Each Other’s Backs.

Tracy Sunrize Johnson sent her new life partner a care package (including a love letter of epic proportions, with sentiments like “You thought this day would never come, but who feels like a fucking jerk now?” and “Hope you’re well, or at least avoiding the swine flu/clap.”) filled with books for their as-yet-unborn children, and Krista the Evil Witch told her faithful readership about the awesomeness of said books, and also of Tracy’s Mad Magical Design And Et Cetera Skillz.

Then one day, Evil Witch Krista got tired of typing in fairy tale format, and instead decided to just post pictures of her cats reading and/or eating the books. So, that’s this part.

Here is three-legged Mae Crashenburn, learning how to slice you up with her words instead of just her claws by reading  L is for Lollygag.

And here is fifteen-pound fatty Ruby A-Go-Go eating the cuteness of  The Kittens of Boxville, because she’s also kind of Jordan Cat-alano. (She can’t read, dig?).

And then this is the end. The End.

Who’s in the mood for rabid crowds, ear-splitting gavel-hammering and shady men in cowboy hats who talk like the Micro Machine guy? Me, too, but this is a whole different kind of auction. Glad to let you down.

Brave Brooklyn is an art exhibit and silent auction that’s happening on your computer RIGHT NOW. Proceeds go to, like, parks or something that I don’t care about, but it’s a good way to get your ten clammiest digits on some magical artstuffs.

(If you want your house to look like mine, go bid on Bradly Brown and Ryan Goolsby.) There’s even a Richard Serra for your eyeholes.

Oh, and support our fellow Texans, why dontcha? Bradly, Ryan, Suzanne Zwicky, Emily Goode and James Case Leal all hail from the land of piss and vinegar.

It’s time to Jingle Bell Rock out with your cock out (or not). This Saturday you can kill all of your partridges in a pear tree with one stone by finishing your holiday shopping at the Jingle Bash. Over 50 local artists and designers will be exhibiting their handmade wares at Sons of Herman Hall, including our friends Haute Hardware and Two Hills Designs. So be there or we’ll know and tell everyone you’re a poseur. It’ll be just like 8th grade, only this time you’ll know which pills to take when you try to kill yourself.

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least go to a Dolly Python Party.

This past weekend Krista and Sarah abandoned me and left me to explore the wilds of Haskell Avenue all on my own. But not really because I dragged Patrick and Joe along and they kind of rule. What did we do? Shopped ’til we dropped. Duh. We also tried on really thick glasses that made our eyes huge. And our friend Amy gave me a jumbo Miss Piggy Paper Doll and Patrick got jealous and called me a leech. Pinky Diablo was there, too, with lipstick kisses and everything and so were paintings of velvet naked ladies!! If you live in Dallas, go to Dolly Python now. And if you don’t live in Dallas, bummerfarts for you.

Need an Interior Designer? Need one who’s cute and sassy and kicks all kinds of ass? Then, my friends, Michael Stribling Interiors is for you. Tell him I sent ya and I’ll give you a dollar. Okay, I might not give you a dollar, but I’ll probably give you an STD.

Chicks like us can’t stay in one relationship for too long. So we moved to badderhomesandgardens.com. (If that’s where you are, then stay put.) Change your bookmarks! And then…

ENJOY NEW POSTS BELOW!!

“Wait, are you trying to tell me something?”

YES, THERE ARE NEW POSTS BELOW!!!

Also, super special thanks to Clint for the awesome new design. And Justin for the adorable new code. And Kennen for the legs. And Rey for staring at and eventually photographing the legs.

The next time you meet a cow, you’ll be able to tenderize it directly into a burger. Good news: in the future, they’ll sing of your legend. Bad news: they’ll be referring to you as the Gourmet Guido. Bummer.