When I’m not busy thinking of ways to add ‘period face’ to a post, I like to unwind by inventing products that no one thinks they need, but trust me you do. Introducing Fart Stickers. They’re vinyl decals that you can stick anywhere and make it look like anything is farting. And the best part is, all the proceeds go to a charity of your choice*.

*Chad and Nikki’s Break-Even Fund

This is the Dam Beaver dog toy from Flying Doggies. I know what you’re thinking, “Flying Doggies? Do they sell astronaut puppies?” “Hot air balloon dog houses?” “Canine jetpacks?” “No,” “no” and “in development.”

They sell really awesome pet products and you should really go buy something. Now. Or they’ll launch a flaming bag of poo on you. (And trust me, they will.) To make it easier for you, take 20% off everything with the special coupon code “4BITCHES.” That right, bitches, 20% off.

Flying Doggies is an official friend of Badder Homes & Gardens and even though we gave them an flaming tampon seal of approval, they still refuse to add it to their site. Puppy prudes.

Enter to win or BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.*

*actual contract with the Devil is negotiable. Non-entrant may opt out of eternal damnation in lieu of spending eternity in Alabama. Void where uninterested. Some restrictions may result in us kicking you in the groin while wearing soccer cleats.

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least attend a Blogger Social with Dallas’ bevy of design blogging bitches.

The three of us strapped on our socializin’ faces and attended the Post Blogger Social at Nest, a thuper rad Dallas boutique in a double-fab new location in the Knox-Henderson design district. It was hosted by Hello, Splendor and Fabulous K, sponsored by Nest Interior Design and had absolutely nothing to do with this.

Wanna see what you can buy us for Christmas? Boy, do you EVER!

Skully chairs for our bony asses.

This wax head made Nikki regret her last-minute decision not to wear wax lips. (Down there.)

The sock monkey was court-ordered to wear pants after an unfortunate incident involving a playground, a Girl Scout troop and tub of off-brand petroleum jelly.

These little skis turn almost any chair into a rocking chair. Just like how Sarah’s little fists turn almost any face into hamburger meat.

Yipes, Stripes! Fruit stripe rug! (And great little retro chair, too.)

Are your eyeballs bleeding from jealousy yet? No? Then let’s keep on truckin’, shall we?

A moment on the lips is totally worth a lifetime on the hips, amiright, ladies? (Cuppycakes by Citizen Sweet)

Beautiful and poorly-photographed flowers by Bows and Arrows. Also by Bows and Arrows?…

Adorable boutineers on adorable boy-tineers. (Crisman and Adam, respectively, who probably hate being called “boy-tineers” since it makes no goddamn sense.)

And, finally, a chair that looks like a dildo version of The Noid. You’re welcome.

Ta da! This post was brought to you by the letters K, N, S and the number 666. Air kisses!

I already know you love beautiful things because, duh, you love us. So it shouldn’t take much arm twisting for you Dallasites to scoot your booties down to Lower Greenville to visit Bows and Arrows. It’s a wee lovely space where you can feel like a kid in a goddamn candy shop (if candy shops were actually flower shops, you moron). But before we get to the flowers, let’s get to the ephemera. Which is not the correct use of that word, but HEY LOOK FUN STUFF:

But, of course, the real action is of the pistils and stamens variety. For anyone planning a fancy-pantsy event or (shotgun? arranged? greencard necessitated?) wedding, this is the place for flowers arrangements that aren’t half as stuffy as a mummified corpse locked in a trunk in my attic. Not that I know anything about that, officer.

They even offer classes! The only thing I can arrange is hits on ex-boyfriends, but you should try your hand at making pretty things. No, I’m sorry, you can’t make my likeness out of African Orchids, but I appreciate the thought.

Anyway, if you want your experience to be as lovely as mine, you’ll need to do three things:

1. Have your boyfriend accidentally pour a vase of water down your pants and into your shoes. (Subsequently: withhold sex for three days).

2. Have an oddly motionless Katy Perry dance party with small-to-medium amounts of shame.

3. Whore out your blog to darling boys who are possibly named Christman, which, if that’s right, just got 50 times cooler when I typed it and realized how Jesusy it is.*

*Okay, apparently it’s Crisman. Another day, another crushed dream. Thanks a lot, JESUS.

Hey, numbnuts, remember The Blake Wright? Of course you do, because he awesomes all over your face during your art-filled wet daydreams. Anyway, tomorrow is your chance to fork over the hard-earned dollars and cents you get from your sugar daddy to buy his artstuffs and officially make yourself cooler than all your friends. Plus we’ll be there, which takes that shit to an eleven.

In conclusion, local yokels and private jet owners: we’ll see your ugly mugs at the show tomorrow. You can find us by the bar waiting for you to buy us drinks.

Friday, October 15th from 7:00 – 9:00

1900 Haskell, Dallas TX, 75204

guerillaarts.org

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city, attend a wedding and not pose for pictures.

Our friends Lindsey and Noah decided to tie the knot with a bit of folksy flair. They’re 2 cute 4 words and so are their decorations — which they handmade all by their damn selves. Let’s hit the highlights.

Kissing Booth – Perfect for a quick smooch (or an oil check).

Wildflowers – Symbolism: Their love can’t be tamed.

Wish Tags – Write a wish (or a toot joke) for the happy couple.

Jumbo Balloons – Surprisingly fit in the backseat of a sedan.

Yellow and White Striped Curtain – Rumored to be Jon Bon Jovi’s favorite colors.

There was more, but my typers are tired so I’ll leave you with this – she (Lindsey) plus me (Nikki) are for hire. We’ll decorate our pants off for your next event. And we won’t even wear underthings. Website coming sooooon.

If you live in New York and you’re capable of walking into a church without spontaneously combusting, then mark your Lisa Frank calendar for September 28th to October 2nd. Okay, seeing James Case-Leal’s Radical Spirit probably won’t take you a full five days, but you’re such a loser that the first few times you try you’ll totally jizz your pants in excitement before slinking back to your mother’s basement in sticky, sticky embarrassment to change into a pair of Pampers Cruisers.

Once you get past that, though, I think you’ll be pretty impressed. Just don’t tell anyone I sent you. I really don’t want you to taint my awesome.

My old pal Ted is an industrious little bastard. When he forgot to bring a fork to his studio for lunch, he didn’t hurl his Tupperware container of  noodles in the garbage and slit his wrists with an exacto knife. No, yanked himself up by the bootstraps and fashioned this out of nails, plywood, a drillbit and tape. Now when you forget your utensils, The Spirit of Ted will inspire you not to resort to the hundred-year-old office sporks. You’ll do it your damn self out of thumbtacks, scotch tape, a pink eraser and an ink pen. Or The Spirit of Krista will inspire you and you’ll just flash your vagina for quarters in the conference room and eat a king’s meal out of the vending machine.

Sometimes we’re let out of our cages to terrorize the city. Or at least avoid the 112 degree heat index in an air conditioned bike shop.

There are two factors that’ll make us break our own rules and stand in close proximity to a bunch of fixies: talented friends and Texas summers. Seriously, Dallas, what the fuck?

By the way, I’m taking volunteers to dust my dashboard. Which isn’t a euphemism, but probably should be.

Anyspray, Nikki an I strapped on our bitchfaces and headed to Transit Bike Company to make like an underwire pushup bra and support the tits out of Connor Hill and Matt Brinker, aka The Magnificent Beard. They do sweet-ass shit like this:

So what are the morals of the story? The Beard on the left (Connor) is more talented than you will ever be. The Beard on the right (Matt) is also more talented than you will ever be. And, finally, if you’re supporting your friends anywhere near The Gap,  Nikki will bully you into buying half price t-shirts that you don’t even want in the first place. Fact.