Motherfucking shit cock balls cooter hell damn prick needledick assfart cuntface pickle-nipples fucknuts pussy assbags bollocks whore tit fannyfucker crudmonkey bloody hell slutpunch wiener bullshit pisspants jizzbucket doucheface cumbucket pubepocket spunkmuppet queefboss shitbag twaticles.

Hey America, we’re baaaaack. And we brought all of the cusswords with us. See you soon, spazzsacks.

It’s time to replace your denim-covered Rooms To Go couch from the Cindy Crawford collection. So scoot your denim-covered ass to I.D. Dallas’ Summer Furniture Showcase this weekend to ogle and buy amazing handcrafted furniture (and furnishings) with some amazing handcrafted dudes thrown in to sweeten the deal.

Duh, guys who build furniture are hot.

HOSTED BY: I.D. Dallas

WHERE: Stage 404 – Address and Map

WHEN: Saturday the 16th, 8pm – 10pm & Sunday the 17th, 11am – 4pm

WHO: Kipp Lott, Field Day, Springer Design Studio, Council & Craft, Richard Wincorn, Stash Design, Dan H. Phillips, KC Caekaert, Tony Barsotti and Satelluxe

ALSO: Free parking, complimentary wine

I’ll be there every minute of both days, so come say hello and compliment my rack. It’s the polite thing to do.

Do It Your Damn Self is usually just an outlet for telling you you’re lazy and dumb and no actual making takes place. But today is different. I actually made something. No, not a number two in the potty (just anticipating the question that will pop into my mom’s head when she reads this), a coffee table.

I bought a 6′ piece of walnut from Wood World in Dallas. We had to sand it quite a bit. It was hard, so I feigned t-rex arms and let my dad do most of that part. JK, I helped.

Then we stained it. Krista’s amazing boyfriend/furniture-making-expert (of Field Day) recommended I use this Danish oil. He was not wrong. It was simple and quick and I only ruined one piece of clothing in the process. The final product ends up looking rich and hand-rubbed (like my boyfriend *rim shot*).

I bought four 18″ hairpin legs from hairpinlegs.com. That’s right, I only shop at places with names that say exactly what they sell. We added some braces to prevent those natural splits in the wood from expanding over time. All the screw holes were predrilled to prevent splitting. “That’s what he said,” to that last sentence.

And voila! The best table you’ve ever seen. Don’t be jealous, it causes acne and makes kittens die.

Well, I’ll be damned. Look how happy we are to be on the League of Funny Bitches Podcast with the lovely and fabulous Noa (that’s her pokin’ her cutie mug in) and Alicia (who’s face, fist and foot will make appearances) of your new favorite blog, Oh Noa. Watch us squirm! Hear us swear! Remember that horizontal stripes and the camera each add ten pounds!

Here’s that link again in case you’re as stupid as you look: League of Funny Bitches Podcast

And here’s the Field Day link, since I said the wrong effing url like a tool. FIELD DAY!!!

And here’s the Fart Party link, because hello, it’s a Fart Party.

Republican primaries? Snooze-town. Ditch those border-line offensive blow-hards for the really offensive kind and vote Badder Homes and Gardens for Best Kept Secret in the 2012 Bloggies. In fact, vote Badder Homes and Gardens for everything, especially President of the United States. Our first act will be to install tampon dispensers in every room of the White House. You never know when you might need one.

It appears our ritual sacrifice worked — Wantist.com featured us on their blog today. If you’re interested in gift tips from us, go here. But if you’re interested in just the tip, hit up the Sigma Chi House.

If you don’t know what Wantist (the website, not blog) is, it’s online gift finder and it’s awesome.

If you’re like most of America (and parts of Southeast Asia), you’re forever wondering what to buy us. A loaded gun, pierced condoms and a Best of Kenny Loggins CD are all solid ideas. But if you really, really, really want to make sure you get us something good, check out Yeah, You’re Welcome. Every week Amanda Waas features someone’s 5 best gifts. Oh, how weird, this past week it was us. Total coincidence, I swear. Oh, and if you’re wondering why Sarah isn’t featured, it’s because she hates gifts. That or she was moving to Austin the weekend we wrote those.

Today is the most important day of the year: MY BIRTHDAY. And if there’s one thing that makes me happy in life, it’s a vomiting rabbit wishing me a happy barfday. And if there are TWO things that make me happy in life, it’s the Nelson Twins. Such pretty ladies!

Sauna Pants? Let’s just say any pants can be Sauna Pants when there’s a Taco Bell down the street. I was going to try harder, but I know you’re just scrolling by this post on your way to ogle our boobies.