My iPhone charger is so boring and dumb. But not for long. Introducing Whooz, one more gimmick-y piece of crap I don’t need, but will probably buy.  At first I was like, “Oh wow, $12.95? That’s cheap.” Then I realized it’s just for a sheet of stickers, but then I thought about it some more and realized these are actually useful. Haven’t you ever been near another iPhone or MacTop and thought, “Well fuck, is this my cord?” And now you’ll know, “No, no, this isn’t mine. Mine’s the one with the cinnamon muff.”

This little cassette-to-iphone gadget is guaranteed to top out at number one on the “What To Buy Someone Who Just Woke Up From A Coma They’ve Been In Since 1989″ 2012 Holiday Gift List. Salvaging their Men in Hats tape will really soften the blow when you tell them it’s now super not cool to wear Hammer Pants.

Your love notes are immortalized in toast thanks to this little toaster. Mine would say sweet things like, “Make your own fucking breakfast, you lazy fucknut,” “Please remove the dead hooker from the credenza. Your mother will be here in an hour and I’m not taking the blame for this shit again,” and “Honey, I think we’re out of milk.”

via this foxy internet stranger

I was reading Apartment Therapy (don’t get any ideas, you keep reading BHG until you finish the whole site, young lady / man) when I ran across this photo of a candle app. I was like, “This can’t be an actual thing. Someone is making mischief in the Photoshop.” Wrong. I couldn’t be bothered to click through to read the whole article, so I googled it. It’s real. Owning this app should make you a leper. Like saying “OMG” out loud. You should be declared legally dead and escorted by a mourning procession of your friends and family to an isolated colony where you can live out the rest of your days in a cave reading The Bible by your precious candle app. Unclean!

This Japanese robot pillow pokes snorers in the face to get them to shift to their sides. Three questions. Why is it shaped like a polar bear? Does it come in a version for female snorers where the polar bear wakes you up by poking your face with his boner instead of his hand? Because that’s what we’re used to. And who programmed it to call your mom on speaker phone every time you masturbate? Oh, yeah. That last one was me.

First the Brits give us the Beckhams, then Pippa Middleton’s ass and now this heated butter knife? You slender-shouldered bastards spoil us, you really do.

A remote controlled fan to cool things down between the sheets? And now for a choose your own joke adventure.

1) I thought that’s what marriage was for.

2) I thought that’s what kids were for.

3) I thought that’s what your face was for.

4) RIP Dutch Oven.

This Chick-A-Dee Smoke Detector will apparently chirp merrily if there’s a fire present. Which is fantastic because I so don’t want to burn to death to an annoying beep.

Technology takes the fun out of everything. (Not you, TV. You know I love you the best.) Case and point, the Milkmaid smart milk jug which pH tests your milk to see if it’s spoiled. That’s like drug testing pilots before a flight. Or making surgeons say the alphabet backwards before ganking your tumor. Some of us like to live on the edge. Ok?

If you design a giant robot wine rack, let’s just say it probably only needs to hold the box kind. *Cough* Classless.