This heavy-duty burrito camera lens wrap is made from the same tough, impenetrable materials as Hazmat suits. So, basically, you can save yourself twenty bucks and wrap your lens in a Taco Bell tortilla. Same Tyvek, slightly better taste.

Hey, I sure hate you,

Cuz you’re so lazy,

I’ve got your number:

You’re no Scorsese

I know for sure that

Your future’s hazy,

“Deep” thoughts and slumber,

You fucking baby

And all the other guys

Have advanced degrees

But you’re encumbered

By Art Star Crazies.

Cigarette smoke contains over 200 known deadly poisons, including Formaldehyde, Benzene and Nickleback.

The inventor of the Euphori-Lock (voted most inexplicable product name of the day) wants to make sure your roommate/dog/voracious mom stays the eff out of your B&J. So s/he (I couldn’t be bothered to figure out which) came up with this lid lock. It locks your pint down like Oz. Unless, say, your roommate were to cut out the bottom of the pint, eat all of the ice cream, refill the container with steaming hot urine, carefully duct tape it closed, and replace it in the freezer. But what are the odds of that happening, amiright?

Boys, if you keep porn on a USB, you can use this poodle to doodle your noodle.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s…a drunk guy riding a cooler pulling a drunk dog in another cooler! A.K.A. the 2012 Republican party mascot. Fuck that stupid elephant. Available in gas-powered for the anti-evolution, mid-western social conservatives and electric for the fiscally conservative, socially liberal independents (at least you have a choice when it comes to cooler scooters!).

Hey, y’all. I’m not writing this at night, but I could be with my new Party Rats laser finger rats (see manufacturers note). Nothing says party like plague-ridden vermin. And no party is complete without a little midnight blogging. Call Andrew W.K. and tell him to start working on a new album. Then bang your face against a wall because the party force is so strong in you. And when you recover from the concussion buy yourself a set of these rats. They make masturbating mega festive.

Spit out the cyanide capsules this iPhone-charging breather is not real! Yet. It’s just a concept. But maybe get out the Ouija board and ghost-dial Kevorkian for some advice because you know it’s just a matter of time.

As a fledgeling Arch Villain here at Nemesis University, goal numero uno is to seize the moon and somehow befoul it to the detriment of humanity. Why? If you have time to question me, you have time to give me 50 evil cat-sidekick curls. Now! Of course, if you’re a lazy sack of crap who’ll never amount to more than a third-rate Dr. Evil, you may as well go with the Cliff’s Notes version – the Illuminated Remote Control Moon. Bend it to your every evil whim. Bwa ha ha ha ha. So long as said evil whim is just to remote control a fake moon.

If that’s the size of your pad, remind me never to borrow a tampon.