Sky Mall, you never cease to amaze and sadden me. I thought this was a Star Wars themed chopping laser, but it’s even sadder. It’s a handheld UV disinfecting wand. I don’t know if it’s the change in air pressure or the fact that people on airplanes think they can fart with impunity (ensuring the cabin air is 80% methane), but with two feet on solid ground this seems like an astoundingly stupid idea. Though it would be kind of handy for blind dates and, let’s face it, ladies, most boyfriends.

Ever since writers discovered we could write with just one hand, we’ve had either a martini or a dildo in the other. Now someone has invented a typewriter that turns words into delicious cocktails. I’d keep typing, but it looks like this thing is out of vodka and there’s no fucking way I’m slumming it with Bacardi.

Via Ghostface Billah

I was wondering why they didn’t make one with a giant erection summitting the table edge. Then I remember that dudes with big dicks aren’t hanging around coffee shops trying to get cute with laptop skins.

They say invention is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. I guess that perspiration mostly ends up in your socks because some inventor created a double-barreled, vibrating sock dryer.

This is pocket Socks Dryer, it is not much bigger than can of coke, but it can dry any socks in few minutes.
Inside is mechanism with fan just like in hair dryer, but stronger, and making bigger and warm stream of air.
Drying socks stand and vibrate. So they are very attractive.

Did I say inventor? I meant retard.

Via Incredible Things.

I’m totally the ideal demographic for this remote-controlled rolling cooler. Not only am I too lazy to walk five feet to get a drink, I’m even too la

3D drawing paper. Also know as “the only thing keeping me from burning Urban Outfitters to the ground.” Finally all of those handcrafted ejaculating cock and explosive fart doodles you draw when you’re bored can be appreciated in their full, face-splattering glory. Meetings are about to get a lot more interesting.

If you don’t know what this notebook is made of, you’re too young to be reading this blog and should probably be at home playing with Barbies or dreaming about unicorns. But I’ll give you a hint, sweet little angel: it’s spelled almost exactly like “floppy dick.” Which is something you’ll encounter far, far too many of once you grow up to be a slut like the big kids.

Let’s hope your secret files come in super absorbency because I heard you have a giant vagina full of gusher period.

The Jammbox iPad app turns your hipster brag box into an old fashioned boom box. Now you can do more than pump up the volume. You can pump up your ego and your douche factor, too. Lloyd Dobbler is spinning in his grave.

With giant speakers and a tiny screen, this entertainment center is all balls and no wiener (i.e. sad, dateless and the butt of jokes at every girls’ night). Plus, it’s made out of a stove and doesn’t even make Ramen. File that under “things you shouldn’t have invented while you were high,” cross-reference “fucking stupid.”