I’m totally the ideal demographic for this remote-controlled rolling cooler. Not only am I too lazy to walk five feet to get a drink, I’m even too la

3D drawing paper. Also know as “the only thing keeping me from burning Urban Outfitters to the ground.” Finally all of those handcrafted ejaculating cock and explosive fart doodles you draw when you’re bored can be appreciated in their full, face-splattering glory. Meetings are about to get a lot more interesting.

If you don’t know what this notebook is made of, you’re too young to be reading this blog and should probably be at home playing with Barbies or dreaming about unicorns. But I’ll give you a hint, sweet little angel: it’s spelled almost exactly like “floppy dick.” Which is something you’ll encounter far, far too many of once you grow up to be a slut like the big kids.

Let’s hope your secret files come in super absorbency because I heard you have a giant vagina full of gusher period.

The Jammbox iPad app turns your hipster brag box into an old fashioned boom box. Now you can do more than pump up the volume. You can pump up your ego and your douche factor, too. Lloyd Dobbler is spinning in his grave.

With giant speakers and a tiny screen, this entertainment center is all balls and no wiener (i.e. sad, dateless and the butt of jokes at every girls’ night). Plus, it’s made out of a stove and doesn’t even make Ramen. File that under “things you shouldn’t have invented while you were high,” cross-reference “fucking stupid.”

“Oh, wow,” she typed with stilted sarcasm, “a keyboard with key height determined by letter usage frequency. Thanks for this little peek behind the curtain of who gives a fuck. The next person who wastes time creating a gargantuan turd like this will be forced to watch every episode of Bosom Buddies in one sitting. Unless I’m feeling generous, in which case I’ll just kill you.”

If you and a loved one plan to spend the evening snuggled up in front of your iPad fireplace and reclaimed fire log iPad stand/charging dock, I swear to Jebus, even if you live on the 35th floor, I will drive my car through the sky to run over your face.

Have you been doing your finger Bikram? I certainly hope so, because it’s going to take a very flexible pinky to lift high enough for this hoity-toity thingamajig of the day: the portable personal pepper mill – for those times when any old pepper just won’t do. That’s right, Richy Rich, it’s time to make room in your murse for something other than Grey Poupon and tiara polish. So load up the Tellicherry and let’s crack a little fresh ground. Mamma’s got new cupholders on her high horse and she’s in the mood for a little celebratin’.

I’d assume having this acoustic alarm clock wake you up is exactly like having a tiny hobo next to your bed. Except this time, when you videotape yourself beating it to death, the YouTube clip won’t be the inspiration for an episode of SVU. It’s ripped from the headlines, people.