Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The League of Funny Bitches

Well, I’ll be damned. Look how happy we are to be on the League of Funny Bitches Podcast with the lovely and fabulous Noa (that’s her pokin’ her cutie mug in) and Alicia (who’s face, fist and foot will make appearances) of your new favorite blog, Oh Noa. Watch us squirm! Hear us swear! Remember that horizontal stripes and the camera each add ten pounds!

Here’s that link again in case you’re as stupid as you look: League of Funny Bitches Podcast

And here’s the Field Day link, since I said the wrong effing url like a tool. FIELD DAY!!!

And here’s the Fart Party link, because hello, it’s a Fart Party.



Thursday, May 27, 2010

Testes Kitchen: Cash Money Grillionaires

The Testes Kitchen documents boys in their pursuit of culinary excellence. It’s also a great way to upset the neighbors.

gimme some space!
My tiny mother purchased an equally tiny Little Smokey barbecue grill for The Boyfriend for Christmas. We finally decided to embrace our hillbilly streak and use it to make and eat an impromptu dinner in the front yard. Like raccoons. Or hobos. Or YOUR MOM. (Hillbillies don’t know current jokes).

This pretty much sums up how classy the whole affair was:

Sarah manhandled the corn. No matter what that bitch ear says in court, I’ll testify that the corn fucking liked it.

I can’t tell you how delicious these kabobs were. I can tell you, however, that we ate them with our hands and used our pants as napkins. The same pants I’m wearing right now. Nope, haven’t washed ‘em! Yep, I smell like roadkill!

Obviously, my boyfriend took that picture. He told me my face was in it, but I can’t blame him for the rack shot. I was wearing my most alluring beige full-coverage bra.

And while he’s proud of his photography skills, he’s still ashamed to date me. So he insisted on the Witness Protection Corngram.

I made note of a ton of funny shit we said because, duh, we’re the funniest people you know. But then I drank all the wine in Dallas and forgot everything, including my Social Security Number and the names of the Saved By the Bell cast members. But since no one uttered the words, “You go, grill,” I’m gonna deem this one a success.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Testes Kitchen: Cheese Ballers

For you newbies, Testes Kitchen is an old-school BHG segment featuring men and their kitchen experiments. If you have a penis and a penchant for cooking, we’d love to feature you. Drop us a line.

Last weekend we decided to make our own mozzarella. We who? Why, my brother and me, of course. He’s the classy gentleman partially pictured above. Yep, being disgusting is an inherited trait.

Dan picked up a cheese kit from Austin Homebrew and a gallon of whole milk and we got to work making the kitchen completely uninhabitable for my sister-in-law, Amber, who, as always, tolerated our mess and Beavis-style laughter with the grace of Jackie O.

As the kit promised, making cheese was pretty simple, mostly involving waging chemical war on milk with rennet and citric acid and using every bowl in the house.

Once it heats, the milk only takes a few minutes to begin forming curds.

Which you scoop out of the whey (an alien-slime looking liquid) and microwave…

Before handling-up on some serious cheese ball.

While Dan handled the chemistry portion of the dinner, I baked what is now my favorite bread recipe – James Beard’s French Loaf – which (and I have to make a weewee joke here, this is Testes Kitchen) really rose to the occasion.

It has a creamy crumb that makes it perfect for eating alone or dipped in olive oil. We ate both loaves that night.

Along with our mozzarella, which we sliced and marinated in herbed oil to add some extra flavor (far left of photo). It was all pretty delicious. Make your own mozzarella experiment: success.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Testes Kitchen: Happy Holigays

The Testes Kitchen documents boys in their pursuit of culinary excellence. It also gives me an excuse to make gay jokes.

Now that the housing market is picking back up, gingerbread houses are in high off-season demand. My brother and his husband live in New York, meaning they don’t have billions of dollars to spare on actual gingerbread houses, so they talked to their realtor and instead invested their hard-earned couch change in the graham cracker market.

They headed out into their ‘hood Sesame Street style (Oooh, maybe 227 style. That was a good show.) to see what the neighborhood was lacking, and discovered there was nary a gay club or outhouse on the whole block. But after some blood, sweat and queers, that problem was remedied to the maximum.

The steps to making these graham cracker houses are simple:

1. Buy stuff.

2. Be gay.

3. Frosting = glue.

4. Dick jokes = funny

Voila! A delicious new family tradition to be enjoyed by you and your adopted and/or surrogate-produced offspring for years to come.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Testes Kitchen: Pop that ‘Peno Like This

I spent the Forth of July with the ones what spawned me and, of course, my baby brother. Once you’ve surreptitiously put your dirty socks on your mom’s face while she sleeps in the front seat during a childhood car trip together, your bond can never be broken.

So we went down to Lake Buchanan for a real family BBQ, and since my brother and his new wife registered for a deep fryer (geniuses), we decided to make jalapeno poppers. My brother is quite the chef. He’d already made some pineapple and chorizo raviolis from scratch, dough and all.

For the poppers, we started with the batter – a Shiner-based beer batter made with one cup of flour, a little salt, and one cup of beer just stirred together.

Then we moved on to coring the jalapenos. Let me start by saying that we found a bin of “no-heat” jalapenos at Central Market that we decided only a bunch of Yankee pussies would eat. We bought the regular kind. (More on this idiotic decision later.) But, just so you dolts know, the heat of jalapenos can be tempered by removing the seeds. The best way to do this is to roll the peno against a cutting boarding using your hand and applying medium pressure. This will loosen the seeds and make for easier removal. Anyways, you need to do this to make room for the filling.

Once the seeds are out, you slice around the stem-end of the jalapeno with a paring knife so that the stem cap can be removed. To quote my brother, “just put it in there and kind of turn it around.” Don’t toss the tops. Also, don’t touch your eyes (or your privates, you dirty pervs) until you’ve washed your hands like 10 times with industrial degreaser. In fact, you may want to wear gloves, you know, if you have some left over from your mid-summer B+E spree.

Now that the jalapenos are seeded, it’s time to fill the hole with delicious cheesy filling just like you do with that empty place inside where your self-confidence should be. We made our filling with cream cheese, shredded Gouda and crumbled bacon (two 8 oz packages of cream cheese, softened; a half cup shredded Gouda; four slices bacon, crumbled; chopped garlic chives).

Advice for getting the filling in: just shove it in there. I don’t have to tell you boys how that works, right?

Then you simply put the stem cap back on, using the cheese filling to hold it on, dip in the beer batter and fry at 375 degrees for 3 to 4 minutes.

Remember kids, frying is more fun outside in the wind during a drought when a burn-ban is in full effect.

The only flaw in this diabolical popper plan was the jalapenos themselves. I guess they’re extra-hot this year. We had a lot of teary-eyed but satisfied customers. But as my dad said, just avoid the tip and you’ll be good. Apparently that’s where all the hot action is.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Testes Kitchen: Beefcake Edition

The Testes Kitchen documents boys in their pursuit of culinary excellence. It’s also a great way to get them to make us food.

Our fair hamlet celebrated St. Patrick’s Day this weekend, and because the Krista/Sarah duplex is essentially inside the parade, we had a gathering for our friends and enemies. Wanting to provide snacks without any of the effort, we recruited my boyfriend to make cupcakes that look like hamburgers. Beefcakes, if you will.

The process is pretty simple. Find any vanilla cupcake recipe and any chocolate cupcake recipe. Make them. Then cut the vanilla cupcakes in half to make the buns, and the chocolate cupcakes in slices to make the patties.

For condiments, yellow frosting becomes cheese, and red frosting becomes ketchup. The lettuce is coconut flakes (make sure not to use shredded) dyed green with food coloring. We poured it in a bowl with a little bit of milk, then mixed in the food coloring. This seemed to be the best way to make it stick. As The Boyfriend said, “Pretty straightforward. But we haven’t tasted anything yet.”

When assembling the beefcakes, use extra frosting inside to adhere everything together. If you’re as big an asshole as we are, fill one with a massive spoonful of wasabi in an effort to murder an unlucky party guest.

After tasting a non-wasabi version, and in a massive vote of confidence for the Badder Homes Team, The Boyfriend declared, “They turned out better than I thought they would.” Granted, over the course of the evening he also managed such gems as, “I want to walk around and smack some ass with these oven mitts on”, “This icing would be an icing bomb in your FACE”, and “I’m totally fingerbanging this batter right now.”

All that and he can bake? I give both these beefcakes an A+.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Testes Kitchen: James, Alan and the Wellington

The Testes Kitchen documents boys in their pursuit of culinary excellence. It’s also a great way to get them to make us dinner.

Over the Christmas break two of our favorite guys, James and Alan, decided to take on Beef Wellington. I will tell you from first-hand experience, it’s not easy to make.

Unfortunately, I was stuck in bed with the stomach flu (thanks universe), so I didn’t get to sample it, but I have assurances from very reliable sources that it was delicious.

Since it was such a success, we asked James about the secrets of cooking Wellington, and this is what he had to say:

Our key ingredient was watching the Chef Ramsay you tube video, which we did at least 20 times.

We used home made puff pastry. Mostly because we were to embarrassed to be seen buying puff pastry.

We didn’t have a rolling pin so we used a wine bottle (we recommend Barefoot). We subbed in cheap flank steak for beef tenderloin.”

This isn’t exactly standard Beef Wellington operating procedure. But I give them an A+. In James’ own words, “no one puked after eating it.” And for boys, that’s pretty good.

PS – Ladies, they’re single.

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